Today has sucked, I have no energy, my back hurts and I feel like shit. I've cleaned my bathroom and sorted my art drawers out.

I feel a little down over a few things and unlike most normal people, I yearn for the weekends to be over. We work mostly and have more fun in the week, I also go to uni on a monday.

Today has been one of those draining days, and I may have to have some therapy over my search for my dad. I am now facing the fact I won't find him, and that I can't make my own decision on whether he is worth knowing. This has been made for me....I think if I had trusted my Mothers judgement and not baffled by her lying, I would have believed he wasn't worth finding. People change in 30 years, she sure as shit has.

Trust is a major issue for me, it's something I find hard to do. It's a sad fact but there's no one on this planet I trust 100%, but I am trying to think that friends and family won't fuck me over...it works most days with the good people.

I've been let down by a few people who should have been supporting me, I feel like this, but I strive to be something better for my kid. I once got told I dwell on things and make myself to be a victim....looking back, the person who said those words does exactly that.

I'm making something of myself, my child is ace and all because I brought her up. For whatever reason a mother can't bring up her child, sometimes it's due to the lack of intelligence and maturity.....the kids of tomorrow have been dragged up and it will show in years to come. Most people carry on the pattern of their parents, a choice few, like me do the opposite.

Without sounding all suicidal and depressed, I'm just so bloody frustrated by everything.....The most apparent one is lack of intelligence with people who live where I live. There's also society settling for what we are given, music is another thing......

Everything is choreographed, everything is staged, everything seems clinical....I am utterly bored by musicians today, except a few indie, jazz, rock and soul bands/singers.

What happen to a band going with the flow, jamming, making up shit on stage? People admire Beyonce, Gaga and Perry.....for me they are boring, clinical and lack of charisma....Gorgeous though...and that's what it's all about in todays world.

I am truly fucking bored of how we live in the world, I understand why artists, musicians and writers of Cobain, Morrison, Poe and a few others felt frustrated and misunderstood.

The world leaders want a world of lemmings, and the funny thing is.....they are getting it. Being an individual in this world, it gets you nowhere, you can have funny hair, and wear outrageous clothes......but to be a true individual is something very very unique, and only a handful of people have ever managed to pull off.

It makes me question so much, and I can barely stand to watch TV, it's packed with shite, even documentrys seem fake in one way or another.

While I don't agree with certain crazy people and dictators in the world,but I can see why these people try and change the world, into what they perceive as right.

Free country? I don't feel free, I don't feel like I can fully make my own choices and I feel let down by the whole system.

And why does cancer research get so much money, when they still have no fucking clue what causes bi polar? They at least got a few cures for cancer....lucky them