Epiphany Of The Jaded Reprobate

Blimey, I'm a moody arse! Writing blogs and bipolar do not mix......

I'm in a good mood, realised I needed a chill pill for the last 4 weeks.....pole up my arse might be the better term of phrase...i'm wasting energy on stupid shit...I'm daft!

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

This is a quote i stumbled upon today while reading, for many of us it applies to a few people in our lives, for me more so. I thought I wanted one thing, but you can't miss what you never had....so I wanted something I could never have or achieve. That said, it is getting easier to let things go, and to be happy. I'm not the only one with shitty family, and i sure as hell won't be the last. I guess I have conducted myself in a not so graceful manner, and yes I have had outbursts....all from my point of view, but I never forced my view on anyone, nor have I bullshitted to get people onside....that in itself is my victory

I actually thought my daughter was missing out, she makes a lot of choices herself, and to find out she is secure in herself to not care, kind of makes me realise it has always been me that was insecure, and not for her, but for me.

I think when I move house I will make a break and a fresh start, letting it all become a distant memory, you don't need stress, or people that backstab you at the drop of a hat.

This is me just letting it all out, it is easier, and I smile when I hear things...and it's not even my fault....yet somehow I feel it will always be partly me to blame. They are closer apparently, but I do not kid myself in ever thinking I won't miss them sometimes.....I only see one person kidding themselves, and in the end it will be me who gets somewhere in life.

You can't miss what you never had....... and Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.....this is all I ever need from family

Grammer seems to be a mega problem with the young'uns these days. My daughter is intelligent, so doesn't do much of the text speak, and neither do I, I will sometimes in a text if I'm in a rush, but other than that I use english. Lately I've seen people use this sort of text talk....

iiloveeyouu
yayy
youu rockk myy wurldd

I don't get it, why add extra letters to an already perfectly spelled phrase or word. I was talking to S about it, and she said she won't use that, but may use text speak if needed. She said it sounds like you can't spell, and she likes to be seen as clever.
What worries me, is if she goes up to senior school and becomes a stupid thicko drone.....Her Dad said I should have more confidence in her to make good choices, as that is who she is.
See kids today are not as savvy as kids once were, they think boys, make up, knives, gangs and who can hit who, is the way forward, I refuse to let my kid get like that, i want her to go to college, and to be told she is gifted by the school....really gives me a sense of doing things right

There are perks to knowing barristers and lawyers....free legal advice. Lately I've become peeved about some stuff, and I really don't get it...like in my childhood I would be in a dreamworld, why? because life was pretty shite, so I'd make up a better life to talk about. Technically it was lying, but never for any gain. Now for me if you tell lies to cover something up, get people onside or to get your own way...that is true lying.

Why am I reacting? Because its my blog, I don't care about what certain people think, and I hope they read this and realise that the truth comes out in the end, even if you bullshit your way through life.

They also tell me talking through my problems helps me solve them....so here i am.

Human rights laws are complex, I have found out I can get compensation for emotional distress surrounding my personal identification....bit extreme in my eyes....and in one way I think this one thing can never be solved, in the other I think it should be up to me to choose what I want. In 30 years people can change, but maybe they can't...who's got that right to say what is right or wrong, especially when one apparent parent was worse than my supposed one.

My thoughts are from my point of view, I'm not the only one with these views, so I can't be far off the truth. I also know that the favourtism has been noticed by someone whom suprised me, but it felt nice to get their support. I'm not dwelling on the past, I am trying to find out what the fuck has been going on. Then I can cut all ties from these people...finally

My highs are more mellow, and I'm very serious at the moment, I am also very forward with my thinking, is this a bad thing? Maybe, but I can only ever be real and talk about what is bothering me. I miss being upbeat, but I have lots to sort out. I am happy though, just trying to get to the bottom of what is lies and what is truth.

We went to Warwick Castle yesterday, I've wanted to go for years, its one of the few castles I haven't been to....I was totally underwhelmed when we got in there. It cost a fortune and to be honest I expected lots more shit to do. They have rebuilt some areas, and not made it true to what it was like back in the day. Thing is, me and Madam Tussards don't get on, I can never stand her theme parks, and she wrecked the castle...bitch!

My daughter had a dress rehearsal with her prom outfit....I cried....she looked nearly 18, she was 3 inches taller than me and looks like a rock princess. Can't wait for the full look tomorrow, she's having her hair, nails and make up done professionally, just a little blush and gel nails. Her nan came over and was stunned too...as we are used to the quiet tomboy, not the sassy rock chick.

The limo is going to be here at 5 45, its a hummer, will be taking loads of pics, so will make a private post for select friends....the rest will be on facebook. I'm just so proud and excited.

I've found a lot of happiness this last few months, some tears too, but it is true that your friends can be your family, lately I've been seeing old friends and had contact with some adults from my past.....They have been fantastic and im spurred on for Uni once again.

And public transport sucks, First can kiss my butt, their buses stink and the prices are high, bunch of plonkers! Striking for more money....why? you buggers can't drive, you get chucked around and they scowl at you!

My day has been horrendous, but it was nice to come on blogs tonight and see Rosiebud there, she's sassy, funny, cool and fun to read about......I'm happy someone worth reading made it.

I'm blunt mostly, I am quiet when in large groups.....yet apparently this makes me an unfriendly person. I thought it made me careful about who i open up to.

All this because someone didn't invite me to her bbq birthday, but invited most of my other friends...i know the real reason, but the otherhalf likes to think its me. Tosser

Kender's Poem

You sometimes give me good advice,
And often you have to tell me twice,
You never sugar coat your words,
In common we are gaming nerds,
I like your style, the way your real,
Knowing you is a great big deal
Just be you and never change,
I like the comments we do exchange
You are a friend no matter what,
You're blog it rocks i kid you not.

Not my best, but it helped me tonight, thank you kenders xxxx

I've found myself in a weird place, I can write poetry at the moment, very freely, this should be the nice part of the high....it would be if I wasn't thinking strange things. One thing being freezing my house keys...it will pass no doubt.

I feel guilty at the moment too, I am blaming myself for everything that has gone wrong, and not thinking that maybe other people as well as me are at fault.

I've been buying new clothes that aren't black, so it feels new to me, but ace.

Also you can't miss what you never had...someone said this, i sort of don't believe it, because sometimes you crave things others have....I just want someone to hug me and say, you're doing well, you can do this.

I'm wondering if Sainsburys may do a BOGOF offer for sanity......

I am no longer irritable, now I am in the phase of I am so fucking ace, Im on a pedestal. This is where I am productive in my thinking, but have a huge arrogance about me. I feel uber confident, and I feel no one can say anything to break this stride.

I like documenting my various mood patterns, as I still have to write mood diaries, so the powers that be can get an overall view on what makes me feel the way I do. I know my triggers, so I limit those.

I do firmly believe right now that certain assholes that have been in my life, are soooo missing out on the good things, and my beautiful daughter.

I am taking the otherhalf to a hilton hotel next weekend, and might be seeing a show too, quite excited.

I adore N*E*R*D and their song Rockstar is how I feel...only towards certain people, not all of ya

Fuckin' posers-
Yo yo yeah(4x)
Uh, yeah
Fuckin' posers
It's almost over now
It's almost over now

For ya fuckin' posers
yeah
It's almost over now,
Almost over now

You think the way you lives okay
You think posing
Will save the day
You think we don't see
That you're running
Better call your boys
'Cause I'm coming

[Chorus]

You can't be me
I'm a Rock Star
I'm rhyming on the top of a cop car
I'm a rebel and my .44 pops far

It's almost over now
It's almost over now

Guess
You ain't heard that we swallow guys
It's too damn late to apologize
Will you see the mantle or will you see the skies

It's almost over now
It's almost over now

You think that you don't have to ever quit
You think that you can get away with it

You think the light won't be ever lit

It's almost over now
Almost over now

Something's on your chest
Better get it off
There'll be no one left when we set it off
We ain't gonna take it no more
Since

It's almost over now
Almost over now

You had plenty of time
There was no rush
But it was your dream to be like us
You're in dreamland so you don't care
And as you wait(I'm standing there,I'm standing there, mother fucker)
We're standing there

You can't be me
I'm a Rock Star
I'm rhyming on the top of a cop car
I'm a rebel and my .44 pops far

It's almost over now
It's almost over now

I guess
You ain't heard that we swallow guys
It's too damn late to apologize
Will you see the mantle or will you see the skies

It's almost over now
It's almost over now

You think that you don't have to ever quit
You think that you can get away with it

You think the light won't be ever lit

It's almost over now
Almost over now

Something's on your chest
Better get it off
There'll be no one left when we set it off
We ain't gonna take it no more
Since

It's almost over now
Almost over now

You don't succeed cause you hesitate
You think we're fly
But we levitate
Just be yourself
Don't ask us why
'Cause if you don't we'll make you fly

You can't be me
I'm a Rock Star
I'm rhyming on the top of a cop car
I'm a rebel and my .44 pops far

It's almost over now
It's almost over now

I guess
You ain't heard that we swallow guys
It's too damn late to apologize
Will you see the mantle or will you see the skies

It's almost over now
It's almost over now

No one ever really dies
You believe that?
Well,if not,for you,
It's almost over now
Almost over now

No one ever really dies

I'm having one of those nights...major headache and high. It's not a nice high, it's one where I am irritated by everything and my ideas are so ridiculas I think they border on insane. I have these thoughts going through my head, and I am so thankful the car is with the otherhalf....

No amount of talking can make me understand why the hell does every little thing go magnified when you get this way? If you told me i was an idiot right now, I'd fly off the handle and scream blue murder like you've cut me deep....I hate this, I hate having this illness and I hate me.

No wonder my family don't love me, whats to like about me. Miserable, moody and not nice to even be around...

They say it may take around 4 years to contol this fully, i also learn something new everyday about it.....The one thing that will never change is this.....I would rather have a life threatening illness that carries a 50/50 chance of survival, than this shit.

Rapid cycling is what i have, I've suffered with it for many many years, its fucking tiring, the meds sometimes take the edge off it....but even i have a breaking point.

Makes me understand why they don;t love me

I've had a nightmare weekend, my daughter has a new friend, who is 11 going on 18....mother seems to let her do whatever she wants, stays out til 11 at night, and now i'm called controlling because I make my daughter come in at 8. 9 if shes on my front. Took this little shit to skegness, who didn;t like my music, so she put her phone on full whack, and we were treated to soulja boy, leona lewis and dizzy wanky rascal. Music at its best to a chav and uneducated moron. I had on Kasabian.....

She then hinted all day for shit, so that just made my weekend....NOT! No manners and didn't give a shit what we thought.

Today has been better, had a caramel frappacino from starbucks....I think I have an addiction. I use facebook, because i usually keep in touch with friend and neighbours, but lately family have added me....I am in two minds as to delete most of them off, as it bothers me they see pics of my child, and that they all kiss arse with the favourites of the family. I'm a person that likes you out of my sight, then i can forget you are even blood related.....useless, shallow bastards all of them. Well except the distant family, i like them, great people. My thinking is this, you never did fuck all for me growing up and you sure as shit never will, and I have no intentions of ever helping you...makes sense.

My daughter showed my otherhalf family pics that her aunties have on there, and he asked me, why are they lots of pics of my sisters together, but not many of me....I just said think maybe i was camera shy. They think otherwise....but I don't care that much anymore, I know where i'm wanted

Roll on the weekend and next week is prom for Shanna, im so excited about her seeing the hummer

5 things currently within reach where you are sat

1. Rubber ducky with flowers on it
2. pink piggy torch
3. £70
4. One in a million Boofle teddy
5. wind up tortoise

5 things you cannot leave the house without

1. Nintendo DS
2. Nokia 5800
3. Ipod
4. lipstick
5. Psp

5 things you treasure

1. My daughter
2. My Shih Tzu
3. My otherhalf
4. My friends
5. Picture of my great grandma

5 things you want to do before you die

1. Travel to Eygpt
2. Drive faster than 130 mph (only done 120)
3. Meet my real Dad
4. See my daughter graduate Uni
5. Get married

5 things you wish you could change

1. My family
2. My body
3. My house
4. My illness (makes me say the wrong things, and only the ones that really cared forgave me)
5. My sensitivity

5 things that make you laugh or smile

1. My daughter
2. My otherhalf
3. Dawn French
4. Music
5. Rain

5 things you are grateful for

1. Beautiful little family
2. Great friends
3. Finding out what was wrong with me for 14 years
4. Seeing the light with certain people who were in my life
5. My health

5 things you can do.

1. Calculate accounts quickly
2. sit cross legged
3. Sing, but I'm too shy to sing in front of anyone (have been on scott bonds mixes when i was younger)
4. Write poetry when asked to do so
5. Make the nicest curry and chilli( my mum and dad's recipes, they taught me well)

Money, you either have it or you don't....some are born into the life of luxury, others fight their way and make their fortune...some just always struggle. I am comfortable, I am thinking of buying a house, but the market is difficult to get into right now and my deposit isn't big enough.

What astounds me is this, where i live a lot of people my age drink all day, smoke weed and never have any drive....I talk to some of these and find I can sit with them for 2 hours and barely say a word...I got called a snob jokingly by someone, all because I said I like my daughter to get her clothes from next (my mum got me into this shop) and not Primark. Also because I've hired a hummer limo for her prom in 2 weeks, they said i was spoiling her.....so what? She is good, got level 5 in her SAT's and does her chores everyday. I like the finer things in life, and will do whatever it takes to get them, I don't like second best.

I like books, writing and travelling to places, I guess i'm just different from the council estate folk....I want something better for me and my family, I want to be someone.

On a lighter note, my birth certificate came, so i can now apply to the student loans to help pay for my course, i need it to prove I am from the uk...the adoption certificate proves i am me....they don't ask for much do they! The forms are like a massive book....

The beauty of blogs is that you can find like minded people, or people that have such differing views it challenges your way of thinking. Lately this has happened, and while at one point you begin to think it's a negative thing, something someone says changes it, and makes it a positive.

I think my rants are my thoughts, but maybe if I had stepped back and listened a little more, I wouldn't have tarred someone else with the same brush, when infact the information is useful and eye opening....doesn't mean I agree with everything, but it gave me food for thought....and personally i think the lady is quite nice.

I can only be serious for so long, as its my nature to be weird in some aspects. I think weight will always be a touchy subject for me, having lost so much weight, and then through Lithium adding 4 stone, which is now turned into a thyroid problem...as I have been living on salad i should be losing weight, so i'm pretty upset, as I need my medication.

I don't know how I should go about my blog, it has no structure, and I often go off on tangents, people like blogs because they run a common theme....mine is wacky, then low, then happy, then funny....I need to focus...but what on?

Family.....some people get everything they want, and they still bitch about it.....Take a look and realise at least she loves you and your children, and that you never disappoint her like me. Be happy with what you have, the shit has gone now, your baby is the oldest

I wrote yesterdays blog because of a blog I saw featured, I have been accused of "bashing" diets...this is a reply I made, but due to it been moderated I doubt it will get put up.

But you brought up a point, "do it in different ways"

For me if you have to "diet" in many different ways, that tells me the "diet" you are on is not sustainable for longterm, so in theory is a quick fix....you may then put that weight back on when you go back to normal eating. A quick fix for a special occasion i can totally understand, but constantly doing different diets, well you are starving your body of certain nutrients.

I know this because for 7 years I fad dieted and turned bullimic, and my weight did not stay off. I had to change my eating habits full time, that is how you maintain a healthy lifestyle and keep the weight off.

This is part of what I wrote, it just worries me that we as a whole are buying into this celebrity culture, when half the time they maintain a slim figure by hoovering up nose candy....Seth Rogen is a prime example. In my younger days when I'd party in Manchester I saw these sorts of things, even by footballers. I think some can be happy at a size 8 or a size 20, but to be told that being over a 14 is fat, makes me feel sad and pissed off at the shallow world we are creating.

Sorry for ranting

In this shallow world most people think it's sane to be under a size 8.....For me a beautiful looking girl is over a 12...back in the day women were never waifs.

I see these fad diets, these no carbs one week, no dairy another diets and it fucks me off. Fad diets work for a while, then when you go back to eating your normal diet, you put the same weight back on. I've said before I easily lost 7 stone at the gym within 6 months....why? because I was fat and i put the hard work in, if people want the easy life, then fine go starve your body of nutrients, but stop fucking promoting that crap.

If you eat 3 balanced meals a day, drink water and go to the gym, or do an hour of exercise or walking, you will lose weight....I know because i have done this for 3 years and still do it now.

I can't be arsed with these quick fix diets, or people that think they are fine to shout to the world. Your body needs vitamins, it needs carbs etc.....So grow A brain and work to lose the weight because the easy way, you will only put it back on

And personally skinny women don't make me think wow shes sexy....Skinny...ergh I love curves, i love boobs....if you want skinny go to africa and think about how skinny you want to be....bet you change ya damn mind...or look at this lady...yucky!!

I have had 2 shots of sambucca, I then went for a walk around graves park.....I wanted to write a seriously funny blog entry, but I need the toilet....i sorry