Epiphany Of The Jaded Reprobate

I've had 2 interesting days, I watched Kasabian and we met Jay the american guitarist, he was really great. I was too late to see Serge, but they are doing an arena tour in November, so there's always time. They sounded fantastic....I love them.

Shannas play went really great, she's shy in person but on stage she shines....i'm very proud, so are the people that are close....especially those that travelled.

I know I have great things to happen, and they will if I let go of things, some things will take time and they are getting easier. I do take solace in the fact that my child and any future children, will have been brought up by me, and not passed around every weekend so i can get hammered and sleep around. Makes me smile knowing i never did that, nor ever want to

I also smile because i get compliments from many people about how lovely Shan is, and it's been pointed out, by a few even here on blogs, that she is like that partly because of me....Must admit she is way happier this last 10 months.

I am addicted to Overlord 2....nuff said....ace game, minions crack me up!!

Just one more day til I see the gods that are Kasabian up quite close....They are playing at the O2 academy in Sheffield....I am truly excited, I am stalking their coach, because for 3 years I've followed them and I want a plectrum off Sergio....For me besides the Doors and the clash, no one can beat these boys music wise. My daughter is coming after begging me for a year to actually go to a gig. Kasabian fans tend to be great and will more than likely pick her up to see.

This is one of my fave tracks from their new album, and I feel like I'm under estimated and sometimes the underdog....I like it though

I don't get it......

I don't understand it....

Meh no wonder the world is buggered!

And I really think a few people are extremely bitchy.....

Is glad some of the "popular" people don't bear me a thought....

I am glad i'm not a sheep....I likes been individual....

So lets hope I remain unknown in my quiet little bubble.

Random I know, vague yes, one of you may be able to understand what i'm saying....if not it's ok, as i know what this all means

Anyone that knows me maybe understands my weird sense of humour, I can't sleep, it's 3 am, I've cleaned everything, so I decided to search for something on you tube....Then I remembered how i love sesame street...then I remembered the rubber ducky song....My mood is telling me, yep yep Carla you are the shit! Personally I just think this is funny at such a late hour....Jesus I need to get a life! LOL

I don't claim to know everything, but sometimes you can get this arrogance with a high....so at times you can think you know more that you actually do.....it's quite funny when you start talking car engines with people, and you find that your making sense. I also tend to find I get little obsessions, like during this high i'm into rubber ducks...before its been magnets, lunch box tins and tubs.

I beginning to accept things, i laugh, cry and smile....I also accept that I wasn't blessed with a flat stomach, nor will i ever be due to having stretched my skin so bad from the huge days....but it doesn;t matter, because my other half likes a chubby lass and big boobs. I no longer have a "bitches" voice in my head telling me i need to lose weight and that i might not be pretty, but at least i have brains....instead I think i'm alright, i don't need a bag over me head

Tonight I sat on my neighbours front and chatted to everyone, they were thrilled I came over, and want me to do it more often.....I enjoyed it, albeit a little quiet though....i just like listening.

I also feel a sense of pride too, knowing I don't dump my kid on people and go out every weekend...I see a few younger people doing this lately, its amazing how many peoples parents end up bringing their own kids kids up.

Im now been tested for thyroid probs, as my weight gain and me not eating much is a cause for concern....Lithium apparently affects hormones and can give you a possible thyroid problem...typical! Although between you and me, i actually love having boobs 2 cup sizes bigger

I've had Kasabians new album on, and i adore it....

The title is my dream....I'm seeing Kasabian Monday at the O2 Academy...I am praying to the gods that this high stays on as I am confident. I adore Kasabian, I have bad thoughts about Sergio. Besides the other half, Sergio is the only other man I actually fancy. He's quiet, thoughtful and not one of these alpha male ugg ugg types....I likes my quieter geeky men.

I only saw them a few weeks ago, but it's not enough....I have a comprehensive kidnap plan thought out, although I do feel this would ruin any chance of a snog with tongues...such dilemmas!

Im off out Sunday god knows where, we just get in the car and go where ever we feel. Shannas play at the theatre is next tuesday, her Granny Hemming and our surrogate mum and dad Geoff and Fiona are coming too...Im excited as we are hopefully having a family meal after the performance. I have such a busy week.

On top of this on the 14th July Shanna has her prom, the hummer limo is all booked, her beautiful dress is bought, she's wearing her pink TUK heels. Carls cousin is doing her hair and make up....I am so freakin excited!!!! My little girl is growing up so fast...shes 5ft 2....when she wears heels, she towers above me LOL

When you take negative things out of your life, and actually start doing things to me YOU happy, things have a better outlook. Don't get me wrong I also know my depression will make me low, but lately even through that i've been quite positive. Maybe I just finally have myself in a more happier place away from the shit that was dragging me down.

Sergio Pizzorno.....~sighs~

Because I'm starting Uni in September I have to get my student stuff in order, I misplaced my birth certificate years ago, and kind of been winging it with my provisional license. Due to my wrists and mental health, I can get a disability grant, this is all good, but I need to send in my birth certificate as proof. I thought SHIT! So today I goes to get my birth certificate, it's £7.00....I found out I can't get this, I have to ring up North and get an adoption certificate...this is fricking £11.50...or £27.50 for fast track....it's a conspiracy.

I am also kind of upset...it's actually sunk in that my mum wasn't joking back when i was 12. And if she never did tell me...how would she have explained if i had to go to get my birth certificate. Meh who cares thats the past....I needed to vent, this is my blog and I sure as shit will shoot the shit whenever I have to.

But joking aside I am a little upset.

I feel on top of the world, it's great and for 2 days it's been stable. I know this won't last, but lithium is working its magic and not letting me think I am Autumn the superleafgirl.

I am wanting to go back to the gym, I need to lose this lithium weight and actually get to a happy place with the way i look.

I'm pretty much erractic in my thinking, so blogging is a hoot lol I keep deleting things, as they make sense as to what i am trying to tell you....

At least I don't think I'm an alien....Happy happy days

We went to Skegness on Sunday, was a good afternoon...walked loads and came across a fortune teller...most of the time you know they are crap, but this one was irish and had a warm glow about her. I was in a particular great mood so I went into her booth...this woman wasn't vague but very very specific, i don't smile nod or say a word. But she knew i had had a stomach operation, and it was causing me problems...but they will get better. She said I had a love for music, and I could sing yet i am shy and won't do it. She said that my mothers problems are not my fault, and to stop dwelling on them. She said some other personal things, that im a bit taken aback....She said things that weren't general, and not once did she get things wrong...weird but cool.

If she is right, i will get married in my 30's and have a son, she says i have a daughter, who is the apple of my eye....she also said something about my bad past...again specific.

I'm looking forward to this week, good times and i have wonderful friends

I wanted to write a nice blog today, as it's fathers day. I miss my Dad sometimes, as a kid he understood me, he was someone i felt I could talk to. The man was a complete grafter until he lost his job, he sort of lost his way, plus pressures with various family things took its toll.

I have seen a family man slowly turn to drink, but to me he will always be my Dad, I feel bad that I sometimes want to know my real dad, but that is only because I want to know who i am.

I know my Dad is a good man inside, he just lost who he is a long time ago, he makes decisions that make others happy, but not for him. Maybe that is why he resents things so much.

I know my Dad won't read this, but I hope today he forgets the shit and has a nice day.

God I miss his sunday dinners!

because you know you farted in the middle of sainsburys and people thought it was someone else...

how evil! Muah muah muah!!!!

because you know you have the potential to be a successful author and sharing that with good friends.

because you know that when you were flush with money you actually spoilt your nieces and nephews...unlike some others i could mention

because I have the most wonderful child, that is soon going to be in the theatre and 5 friends and family who she see's as grandparents will be there to watch her in one of the main parts! (and I get the dvd yay!)

because no matter how much my illness makes me say and think things, the people that love me, understand I do not mean those things...and love me all the same.

because I start university in september and i have so much support that they won't allow my illness to stop me failing...and the professor loves the work shes already seen.

because it doesn't matter if im fat, crazy, high, low, moody, mean, happy, crying.....I am loved

There's comes a time when you reflect back, and sometimes think about who you are. Times change, so do we, but for most of us there's always part of us lost, some are lost because they lost sight of who they are, some do not know their families, some do not know their dad's and some got into drugs or drink.

Like most people I feel lost, and no amount of soul searching can find this one piece of me, there's only one way, but that is not even an option as i've tried. I am however making the most of the good friends and family I do have.

Unconditional love is something nearly all mothers have for their children, I say nearly all, because there are some that cannot feel this...I feel blessed I am not one of these people. Which brings me to the title of my blog, this is a song my mother sung a few times when I was a child, I never understood the meaning of it, until I heard it 2 days ago on a channel.

The chorus is just how I have felt for a very very long time and I will do everything in my power that my child never feels that pain.

Wonders how many this week will take me off friends list, because i only write 2 times a month.....

A song that will be used at my wedding...if i ever have one...dedicated to someone I love. John Legend is amazing live, and says it all witht he song....

As a child I was always encouraged to study, my mum would buy me books especially on science and history....Over the years my thirst for history still grows strong...I just wish the crap you get taught in school, wasn't so watered down and biased.

I have heard a story about the slave trade, and how wrong many people have the whole thing....

Why don't some cultures actually know their own history...why don't people think out of the box.

Every race has been enslaved at some point...not because of their colour, but because of the powerful men who ruled their country....

If we actually dissect and look at history with non biased open eyes....Men are to blame....

But joking aside...People should delve deeper into history to understand who did what, and why.