Epiphany Of The Jaded Reprobate

As a child I was pretty much supressed, and would try to be a peace keeper. I lost my way and became angry, I've now gone back to what I call me, and become peace keeper again. I enjoy getting along with my sisters, and it's nice that outside forces are no longer making us fight.

I'm concerned about some things going on with friends and family, and i'm a sensitive soul, so I try to help where I can. I find it hard to sympathise with people who emotionally abuse people, and I also know someone in my life is a control freak, makes people feel shit about themselves, and is no angel to how they have acted towards people around them. I wish I could feel sorry for this person, but I have seen what their temper was like when I was a child.....But for me both parties are to blame, both are no good for each other and I actually wish that both of the selfish bastards would either grow up, or think about their kids for once in their life....but trust me none of them do. Even if they go on that they do.

Lack of communication is what makes most things break down, I can't make people talk, I can't fix things...even though I try damn hard. But I can be a mother and show my daughter that talking and being compassionate, is what makes you a better person.

Something I learnt for myself.

I don't blog much these days, as this place isn't somewhere I can be "me" anymore, I often feel in life like something isn't right. For years I've been something full of anger, since I let a lot of anger go, life has gone so better...I'm calmer, quieter, rarely swear and I'm that one friend/sister that everyone calls up for advice or help. I've gone back to being "Carla"

There is a downside, I'm still battling my Bipolar, i'm now 2 days with only 5 hours sleep...What makes this worse is that i know for a few days of no sleep, I will crash and burn so hard, I can't bare it. I don't tell anyone this, because how do I tell people who need me, that I can't cope and that I feel like I am drowning. It does pass, but how many more years can i suffer from this and not get control....I need control.

I have finally got my Uni letter, so that is good news, my best friend in my teens is back in my life, and I feel nearly complete....

Other stuff is going on, and the crazy me, would just come out and say what she thinks, but me...the me that is normal...well she stays quiet and talks when needed.

I think some people in my life that maybe read this, you need to look at why you act like you do, and why everyone is deserting you.....Because bottom line is, we can all blame someone for how things are, but only YOU can change your own attitude.If more than 2 people think something, you can only deny it to yourself for so long.

I am changing my outlook and attitude, and it's made me a better person.

I'm not a fan, but this is one of my favourite all time songs...and i still think it's electric boobs .....

I've seen a blog on about size 0, I've had someone ask me, would I ever trade my size 24 hips to be that skinny....my answer pure and simple is Fuck no!!

While the media go on and on about obesity.....isn't it funny how they tackle other weight disorders with mental and hospital care and monitoring of food.....but they don't open clinics for us "fatties"

In my opinion, while being overweight runs a risk of heart trouble and other things, people die quicker through malnutrition, simple fact! Oh and at my highest weight of 34 stone, I never had any problems, except breathlessness...not asthma.

So lose weight to be healthy, but to be under a size 8? you need your fucking head testing, because my daughter is 11 and now thinks to be "pretty" you need to be stick thin, these people pushing weight issues and size 0 onto our kids....if i could I'd shoot the lot of you!

This rollercoaster I am on has taken me on a journey that I never anticipated. I'm slowly working out who I am, and who is the bipolar me. It's meant facing up to things, finding out things I don't like, and for me to be selfish. Loving myself is something I find the hardest, things said and done in the past has stuck, and will never leave my head...no matter what talking I do.

I have found out though that I am a good mother, because I refuse to follow a pattern, and actually do what would have made me happy as a child. I have found that I am cleverer than I thought, and I underestimate myself through lack of self esteem.

I will no longer have people who gossip, hurt me, upset me, moan constantly, put me down and bullshit to get people onside around me.....which has left me with very little friends.

On top of this I am going back to University, as I fucked up Uni and accountancy due to bipolar...now I know how to cope with stresses easily...plus I know why I acted so nuts now

I'm in a good place, and there are things that concern me about my sisters, we are all getting on really good at the moment, and I hope it continues, as I know I am happier with them there. I would like a better bond with the youngest, as i left home when she was 6 months old, she's growing up so quickly and putting up with a lot of shit....which is going to make her look for love in the wrong places, if we don't act now and show her she is loved. She craves attention and through no fault of her own, she has been pushed aside by every one of us, including our parents. Lovely kid though when you spend time with her.

Enjoy xxxxx

Not got it in me to write, but I do actually rock today....My friends think I'm funny and looney, and I am enjoying the sun, laughs and singing......why the hell ain't my drugs working!

I've found out recently Nickelback are not singing i cum for you, and it's not are we human, or are we dancers by the Killers.

ho hum.....

I hate bullying and i hate bullies, I don't care if they have problems...what about the kid being bullied.

I hope the little one gets through this teenage stuff, it's hard enough being a teen and things going wrong....but schoolfriends making it harder....thats crappy.

At Shan's new school you bully you get expelled....they expelled 68 kids...for various reasons....they won't tolerate messy uniforms, being out of class without a slip and bullying.

Tonight I know the little one is safe, she isn't out and about with "friends" and she's not acting more grown up than she actually is.....When she's herself, thats the little sister I adore.

I've loved Greenday since i was 13, I actually went off them a while back when they went mainstream....they just never had the same edge. They are coming to Sheffield Arena in october, and I may be going. I've had various people rave on about them, and how they are getting tickets and so on....And it's all good, but some of them dared say they were their biggest fans....so I said geek stink breath....good huh. They looked at like me like i was going through another episode. I said you know what I mean right? They didn't.....so can't be big fans in my eyes.

If you want to claim such things....learn a bands history and back catalogue. It was the first CD I ever bought. Moving on, whilst walking around Sainsburys I had to get some anadin, Shanna knocked something off the shelf.....she picked it up and I said what was that. She said it's for when you have a boyfriend and you need to freshen his breath before you snog.

It turned out to be this