Epiphany Of The Jaded Reprobate

I'll be honest with you guys, I have got loads of fun stuff to add, but I'm rapid cycling so bad right now I don't know what the hell is happening. Suicide rates are high for bipolars, and to be perfectly honest I can see why, it's tiring mentally. I'm not suicidal, got a kid to think about, but I am exhausted with me.....They tell me that my thoughts are not me, it's my illness.....why can't people understand this? I am what I am....why can't i accept it? This song just expresses how I feel....

As part of my being open and not supressing shit treatment continues, I went to a group a while ago, and for weeks I'd listen, give advice, while never teling them much about me. It became an issue for a few people...so I agreed to confess something I'd never told anyone...I feel really awful for this but here goes.

I can't bear people who are over dramatic...I mean they have to be the loudest, if you have a 3rd arm so have they, if your shit is gold so is theirs...they have to be the drama queen...male or female, young or old...it's no matter....I just find these people irritating, annoying and they invade peoples personal space on a whole new level. They seem to want everyone to adore and love them...just downright annoys me.

I can take loudness etc, but it's full on drama queens....they piss me off, I cannot relate to these types of people, i sure as shit never want to either.

I've never met someone with bipolar like this, we seem to be more creative yet secretive at times.

After being a crasher kid, and having a friend that is a great dj...he's on me facebook I always got the tracks before the clubs got them, and here's one I heard way before it came out. It makes me smile and remember my clubbing days in the summer of 98...it's called warrior by warrior

I love this song, been an interesting week, lots of things I've seen, found out and heard. It's weird and amazing how karma comes into play....you become to realise your mistakes are there for a reason....in a way "my mistakes were made for you" is very right. Make a mistake once, twice but anymore than that you are indeed the fool.

Do I sit back and watch? Yes, because at the end of the day, it's not my problem and it's not my fault

Enjoy one of the most beautiful pieces of music of this generation

It's wrong but so damn funny....will be something me and the daughters dad do when she decides to get a boyfriend.

Something that i found and caught my attention...These are the words I have been trying to tell the people close to me....the ones that have been there through thick and thin understand the second paragraph....but the ones that should have mattered do not understand that same paragraph. I'm philosophical at the moment, and i'm pretty erratic with my thinking, i apologise. Fun stuff is still on the agenda though :)

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For my close friends,... instead of a suicide note

When I become acutely depressed, I need someone who loves me to be present with me. I need that person to communicate their love not only with words, but also by actions. Taking the time to see me in person, to check on me, is an effective way to communicate that you care. I realize that sometimes you will be busy, though as a close friend, it is presumed that you will take measures to help me when I am in need, even if it is not convenient for you. A demonstration that you are doing 'what you can' is better than nothing at all.

I am not always pleasant when I am ill. If, in the course of my illness, I feel slighted by you, this will be magnified tenfold. Be prepared for the possibility of harsh, critical words that truly hurt. I do this, because my editing function no longer works, and I am unable to process information, normally. Understand that when ill, I am under attack by the thought-demons. Wartime protocol is what you will encounter, because I am engaged in a fight for my life. You may not perceive the threat. You might even be correct in a given instance, that I am not in imminent danger, but the price everyone pays for a wrong judgement is my life. Please don't gamble with my life. I trust you to help me, especially when my behavior is out of control. This is the time of greatest risk.

I didn't ask to be born with this illness. I inherited it. It killed my mother. Yes, I am scared that it will ultimately claim me, too. I work incredibly hard at managing my treatment. Many people with bipolar do not take their medications consistently. I do. Many forgo the added expense of weekly therapy. I don't. Many do not make the effort to build a support system of friends and clinicians. I have. Many do not take the time to learn everything they can about this disorder. I have. I want to survive this illness, but the reality is, I cannot do it alone. If you are my close friend, then to some extent, you've taken on my illness, too. Sometimes that means your time with me will be very exciting (mania), at other times, it will be more challenging (depression). Please love me enough to persist through tough times, too.

Joan Esnayra, Ph.D.

I go to a mental health thing every fortnight, it helps me understand me, and at the same time is unleashing hurt and anger that I supressed since i was about 9. This is something someone said to me, and I've used it as my facebook status.

" Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. "

Since I stopped drinking and drugs, and became this hurt angry person....I've seen who are my real friends and family. See to get better, you have to deal with things...sometimes it means you are someone that says the wrong thing, or says too much....I have to deal with my issues.

Makes me feel better to know there are some of you out there who are with me through thick and thin....even when I say the most stupid things, or swear too much.
The otherhalf says to know your faults is to know you as a person who throughout the pain and suffering, you get back up and say hey I deserve love too.

Will post something funny later, i'm about to eat cocopops :)

The first time i saw this film, was at my nan's I was about 14....the scene I'm about to show you made me laugh so much I peed myself, and had my grandad in stitches....one of my favourite times in my childhood. Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder are so funny....beautiful comedy timing

See no Evil, Hear no Evil

Seeing as I'm giving myself a new blog overhaul, I thought I'd share quotes that to me are pointless or what i see as turd.

"Never have any regrets"

Has been said to me by numerous people, and those people seem to be the ones with a need to make their own wrong doings right. To me it's crap, because if i never regret anything I've ever done, I will never learn from my own mistakes.

Like take for today for instance, I have eaten 2 cookie swirls and i regret that, as I feel ill...I won't do that again

Tune in tomorrow for weird news

A New Zealand man who called police officers 'pigs' has been ordered to spend a day at a pig farm.

The 22-year-old has also been ordered to write an essay about the difference between pigs and police officers.

The man was charged with using offensive language after he hurled abuse at police during a trip to Auckland.

Community Magistrate Robyn Paterson at Tauranga District Court ordered him to spend a day at a pig farm and present a short essay on his experiences, reports The Bay of Plenty Times.

According to the newspaper, he wrote: "I was very, very drunk. I have stopped drinking because of what happened. I have wasted the police's time and my time."

He maintained the word pig could be found in the Oxford dictionary and was often used to describe police.

But added he had learned 'that there is nothing at all in common with a pig and an officer'.

Source: ananova.com

Monkeys saw loads yesterday at Chester Zoo...they are little buggers, but you can't help but admire how they slap each other or groom each other....

They have sheer showmanship, my favourite was one that seemingly wanted to gross out us humans by crapping off a branch in front of us, and then grinned. I liked his style.

Talking of turds, i say my thoughts here, often the people read what i've written, so to me thats not been two faced.....i also dare say it to their face. Someone in my life who barks on how honest they are, is infact the biggest bullshitter i've had the pleasure of knowing.

They cause me to get involved and then they come out smelling of roses, while i am shat on as if i caused it. Karma....no wonder they have the life they do.

Tonight I let go and get rid of everything that upsets me, and my blogs will be more fun, I have stuff planned...like my writings and funny things etc. The good times are here folks! LOL

Talking of good times, United play tonight, Up The Blades....we soooo have to win this!

The word Turd...cracks me up everytime...it was used during an argument between two neighbours....they stopped because i almost pissed myself from one of them calling the other a turd.....

Happy days lol

Friday is therapy day, since i found out i was bi polar and mildly schizo...i've started saying things as it is, sometimes i'm wrong(no no im always right damnit!)

Today I think i turned a corner(i nearly hit a lamp post...driving too quickly tut tut)....good times

I am craving lemon french fancies...i don't know why, as my usual cravings of crumpets and cheese and onion, have turned into those cakes. I've been naughty and had one with my meds at bedtime...funny thing is, since i started drinking my orange juice and eating these before bedtime, i've lost 4 lbs....talk about odd...maybe im deluded?

And praise the sweet gods....Millies Cookies are heaven! Trust me the shakes is worth it

How stupid are some people!

I'm stupid....Scapegoat thats all i will ever be...thanks.

Don't send anything to my house again, don't contact me, don't bother with us, cut us out.

Why the fuck did i for years try to impress someone that fucking thinks I make people do my biding!

To be honest I can only think of one thing, but if i say it here, it will then change to be something else that i've done. If it's that thing, she told me for 2 years what you were like, and i told her she was crazy and to let you see her kid.....then everything she ever told me started happening. If it's not that than i'm fucked if i know.

I made and make mistakes, it's one of those things, i will admit to when i've fucked up. But you never do, and thats with everyone. You make me feel bad about myself, and I don't want you to be ill, so please leave me alone and I will say no more about things on a public forum.

But no doubt you will tell everyone that never reads this how I relish in making you ill.....although if it's been 16 months since i saw you....just how can i do that?

You're a smart woman. but also bitter, I'm just angry at how you conduct things with us all, you never want us to get on and I don't know why. Sisters argue, it's how it is, but we aren't your sisters, and bev is not you, stacy is not andrea and im not leo...please realise this for my sanitys sake.

You make people feel like shit around you, and you can slag me off and say I do....but my family is happy, i have friends and go places with people. You don't know my life even if you think you do.

I did miss you and my blog was my way of making you listen, but I was angry and stupid with what i said, in hindsight i'm glad i did what i did, because it shows who i can rely on, even when i fall.

Please leave me be, and i shall do the same. I wish you well.

We can only see things how we perceive them to be, especially if you only get things on hearsay. To assume someone is the same as they were a year ago is crazy, like a child who was once smaller than you, is now really tall and has curves...

But to make comment on someone, and never have your own house in order....not good....look closer to home and stop been blind to things. I learnt this, and Shan seeing things that she'd never seen at home, that was a factor. It's not normal and it never was when I was a kid...delude yourself elsewhere.

My child is for me to screw up, not someone else.

Now the writings on the wall...it won't go away...

Can't ever hide from fact, even if you want to. To everyone else enjoy

Hannah Montana is the devil!

I'm off to the cinema today with the family...Monsters V Aliens....she's making me see Montana on Friday...~shudders~

I have a ritual for today, which will be done, then after 3.10 pm i'm all set. I am going to the download festival, and in June, I have 3 concerts to go to...I'm really excited!

Shanna is wanting some new rock boots....i think i'm going to get her some I like my child being the individual...makes me proud!

The prodigy concert was awesome! They played so much of the old stuff, that it felt so right, we danced until we were pouring with sweat...I got great seats was ace, will blog for friends more details

Invaders must die...well they called their album that, because of so called friends lying to each of them, about things said, and shit stirring....they fell out but got back together, and call anyone outside of thier circle of friends who mean to cause trouble "invaders".

Friends and family should be two different things, likes in a family you expect bitching about one another, but at the end of the day it's family right? How far would you go to find out what a sister, brother, mother or father has been saying about you? Would you check their inboxes? Talk to their friends? And should we as people be able to look up to our mums and say peace keep.

As a mum I wouldn't tell one child that the other has been talking about them, not unless I wanted them to argue. I would rather my children get on, or be a peace keeper to help them get along....it seems when mothers are involved, they hold the eggs and they decide.

I think if you have a big family, you should embrace each childs positive quirks, and help them work on the negative...if you have 4 kids all different in their personalities, you have to expect clashes.

I am not jealous of any of my sisters, same as I doubt they are jealous of each other too, because we all like different things, we all think differently. If we wanted to get along, we will but in later years...because right now our mum pulls the strings, and some of the sisters play to her tune.

As for checking inboxes, I think it's sad, pathetic and just shows how jealous they are of how me and my little sister get on. Why else would they need to know what we talk about?

And to think I told her to give the family a chance....more fool me.

If you want to blame someone for how your kids turn out....look at yourself, if you have 4 emotionally fucked up girls, it doesn't happen because of each other, ot happens because somewhere along the line, they got no attention and witnessed abused on one level or another.

Til The Prodigy are at the arena....im excited. I have some personal stuff going on, and will probably only post for friends.

I have a lot of good things going on, some new developments and some things that downright piss me off.

I've noticed that it is easier to do the private posts, i can be free and not worry i will get backlash.

crazy crazy times, roll on tomorrow yay

*rant on*

Piss off with all this chocolate talk, I CANNOT EAT CHOCOLATE!

It's like me dangling a dildo to a sex starved maniac, or a drink to a newly sober peasant.

I miss the creamy sweet stuff, I miss aero's the most....Easter eggs? Piss off...thats right PISS OFF...sick of seeing how fantastic chocolate is, how moreish recipes sound...

How i miss the stuff...it's a conspiracy..

Believe me, it's not that im on some diet, it's just if I eat more than 2 bites, I shake and have flu like symptoms all day, I feel tired for 2 days after...if i only had the shakes I'd have it, but i have too much to do to risk been in bed for 2/3 days.

*rant off*

With the match on this afternoon...i shall be glued to sky sports...we play Reading away...for personal reasons I hate that place, and I hope we win.

The red dwarf marathon starts tonight...I am truly excited! To top off this cool weekend I am planning to have, i get to see The Prodigy Monday night...life cannot get any better!

I know i should probably sent them all a card, but since Shan was born they never sent her anything at Easter...Half the time they only sent her a birthday card because i sent them one. Shan has her own mind, it's because of her I realised what my family were doing to me, and her.

They know where she lives, but they won't visit, only if a better offer tempts them up here in the first place...and oddly enough it's never ever been Shanna. Here's to me, a mother who actually knows what looking after a child for 4 years WITHOUT a babysitter feels like

Happy Easter x

I don't like this music most of the time, but this song keeps playing on mtv when i have it on...

For years I've painted warhammer figures, I'm currently painting the high elves. I've got Shanna into the dwarves, so shes been doing a plastic version of those, to practise. I glued my finger to my hand...I am no good with glue. But i can't use duck/duct tape as its too thick...the tape runs throughout my house, holding wood up, drawers together and wires on the floor...its a fav of mine.

I was happy my team won 2-1 last night, dirty game, but glad anyways. I'm looking forward to seeing my friends monday...but i will miss the forest match.

I got my watch fixed and im now no longer on Hong Kong time...it took 3 mins for them to fix....I felt embarrassed! I was on world clock....moving on.

I have lost 2lbs in weight...it amazing what taking off 23 bracelets does

A friend in Australia called me tonight, he said he's emailed me 14 times and no reply...so he thought he'd call and see how we all were. I don't like talking on the phone, only to 3 people in the world...other than that I see it as the plague.

I also find texting something I don't like doing, only if im close to that person...so i rarely text anyone first and I don't text aquintances randomly either. Emails I will answer, but that tends to be work related or family only.

I don't even get pm's on blogs, nor do i send them...only very very very rarely.

So i conclude I am an anti social shit....it's weird because while i blog, im not actually engaging in much one on one conversation, and that is how i roll...I think I'm a little bit of a loner.

I can talk on forums, write blogs...but im crap at been this funny and chatty in person.

Thank god i got funny facial expressions....been a looney has its perks :))

I also now think life is moving on and I am ready to be swept away with a lil romance

p.s can someone tell me how to stop private post messages posted into my mailbox....as i have 144 messages and 143 about private posts!

My team are playing Barnsley tonight....and while I hope we kick their arses...a person from that neck of the woods, has said the very things I've been dying to say on blogs, but daren't....So Sir Michaal Parkinson I salute you

As for anything else, I've taken all the things that make me feel bad about "Carla" out of my life, and for now I'm at peace with family things...I can't make my kid talk to someone, or stay at thier house she refuses to....and I sure as shit don't want to ever put her or me in that position ever again.

My hair is half way down my back, and I feel pretty nice at the moment

I have sky plus....I wish Shanna worked in the same way....wheres the shhh button! She just read this as I typed it, should see her face

I saw someone post this in a comment...seems fitting for me

http://www.animalinyou.com/survey.asp

Hippos are highly complex creatures, easily recognizable by their large bodies and slow-moving lifestyles. While hippos aren't the only animal personalities with such grand frames, they tend to be somewhat self conscious about their ballast, disguising it with loose clothing and by avoiding of social interactions.

Most hippos never really accept themselves for who they are. Traditionally viewed as jolly fat people, they have tried every diet on the market. But if the hippo's heart is a cauldron of powerfully conflicting feelings and the average hippo loves to wallow in this emotional stew, it's not that a hippo gets angry more often than others. It's just that its emotion tends to magnified to an outrageous degree. In fact, the wild variety of hippo kills more people than any other predator in Africa, including the malevolent crocodile.

But, even with this occasionally destructive behavior, there is no bigger heart beating in the animal kingdom. These are loving, warm, creatures who are concerned with the emotional well-being of everyone they know.

Everything about the hippo is big and slow but once it has gained momentum, watch out!

I can't remember if I blogged this, but I have a tortoise. This morning im sat at the table, thinking...(haha I wish)..I was actually eating some dodgy cereal. My tortoise tank is right near the table, he's pottering about...or trying to escape maybe the more true statement...he stops in his tracks and then opens his mouth so wide I saw right down his throat...

It put me off my cereal...made me think about the dentist ~shudders~

Shan is off on her course today...I got no idea what I'm going to do...I'm bored already and it's not even 9...

Last night The Steelers won the play offs, we went down and I got to meet a player I admire....not many people like his playing style...I just think he is awesome...I find enforcers the most nicest off ice...he didn't disappoint and after 3 hugs, he thought he'd leave me in peace. He's not a popular player so it was easy to get plenty of time with him, but he didn't feel he had to talk to my daughter, he actually wanted to...you can tell when a player feels he "has" to.
Andrew Sharp on photo's doesn't look that nice...in person...jesus...something in me squeezed his muscles...he smiled in a drunken haze...I blushed in embarrassment....I got no idea where my confidence came from, but hey you only live once and Im pushing 30.He gave me another hug and told me i smelt beautiful...this was caught on camera by pat and cam...my daughter has a crush on Patrick, he gives her free tickets every game...If that's the kind of fella she will like...Im impressed, she likes suited guys with good jobs...

I don't feel I have to worry about Shan, she won't be boy mad or tarty, she's sensible....now all i need to be is sensible too.....let's move on shall we!

Mark my words mister...the next quiz you appear on and i get it wrong...imma hunt you down and pelt eggs at you....

Thats 4 quizzes in a year that you have ruined a perfect score...have you no shame?!

I've turned into thunder thighs....so I went to buy some new jeans at evans in Meadowhell. I came across some lovely 15 quid ones.

I come home, try them on and show my ex and daughter, I smugly pronouce that my skinny jeans fit....hordes of laughter commenced.....

Since I was a chab...I've often taken the rap for my sisters' shit, lately I have been sticking up for family to someone, and she has torn them right up, her ex also says shit, this pisses me off. Then all the shit she caused, all because I said I didn;t want to add family to facebook, who to me simply aren't...not because of them been my dad's side...but infact because any family i haven't seen on both sides for more than 12 years can piss off...my sister brought the fact my dad is not my dad into it....but me gets the blame, i took it because it was me that instingated the whole situation.

I am done with family, all of them, I am done with been the scapegoat for the imbeciles I am related to.

I want happiness, and when I don't speak to any of them I am happy....funny how my depression has started since been involved with my sisters arguments.

Well I decided today, Im important, and me been happy is important, so go me!!!

Up the Blades...we won the Ipswich today...WOO HOO

I have my kasabian tickets for their own tour...they are coming to Sheff...I is going woo hoo! Im seeing them when they support Oasis...Im excited.

I am still ill, but i did art class today and feel heaps better after finally opening up to a human in person....I have decided that in person I will turn the other cheek and put up with other peoples shit...and just nod when they slag someone off, and deny all knowledge if asked....this it seems is how a lot of people survive that world out there.

I also have to let certain people bitch and moan about someone, and then watch them become up their arse...i just have to be wary of actually telling them too much about me and my stuff.

I feel much more human after this revelation...it may have something to do with the fact i have footy tomorrow....I get to be around the very people who keep it real...solitude people solitude

I'm ill, have the flu, can't be arsed to move, to live to breathe, yet here i am. I decided that after much discussion with family and mental health peeps, that I should keep with the lithium...Im still a fat twat, im still insanely nuts and im still moaning...how nice. My anemia is bad, even though im on 1000 mg a day of iron, my hair is falling out again, i feel exhausted and to smile is like asking me to fart in public....a no go...other than that life is alright, I was going to buy a 52 inch tv, but found a 60 inch instead...they always say the bigger the better...damn chuffin right.

Other than all of that I am frustrated and negative, but what else is new...Shan got on a photography and film course next week, so she excited....I see her going into media or drama, she has been in 3 plays at the theatre, and I have them all on dvd. She's in one more production before she starts big school, her new school has a recording studio and helps kids excel in drama and media....I pray she uses her brains and talent, unlike me who wasted it, after having 4 senior schools growing up...not my fault though.....been the new kid during your teens sucks your confidence...but thats my fault.

I was moving house, but after many meetings and discussions, for her sake i am staying put until she is 17...it gives her the chances and stability that I craved at her age. I went to parents evening yesterday and she will be getting 5a's to 6a's in each core subject...apparently these are above average...i am proud...makes me want to get better for her sake...I must be doing something right