I decided to just post whatever I type and bugger the consequences, I haven't had a drink now for about weeks, it's hard because I have enough booze in my fridge, to floor me for the weekend. If I drink my mind goes into a state that makes me remember my past, things I find I can supress every day sober. Only lately been totally tee total, and drug free, I'm finding my moods a lot more darker, and I'm shutting down from everyone, what makes it good for me, is that I'm so distant from everyone, no one truly notices how fucked up I am. One person has, but he doesn't have the strength in him to coax me into been more open.

The other person knows me very well and is making me talk bit by bit...I know I have to get by like this, because I am struggling with my mindset...I guess i'm lonely if i'm honest, but i don't trust anyone, and I hate been open. I've been open here, but it's made me go into myself a heck of a lot more.

I wish I was a "what you see is what you get" kind of person, but then I'd be lying to you and also myself, I like writing, yet I find I can't out the words together that I want to say, so I battle my own self...constantly.

The crowd noises are pretty bad, and I can never explain this to people...but I wouldn't wish walking a mile in my shoes on my worst enemy....I have got so used to the crowd that it seems normal, but on a rare occasion it gets too much and I want to explode.

I am very lonely, but I don't want to make any effort to be near people, so I am my own worst enemy. My daughter is with her dad tonight, as his court case was settled last week...which is good, and I wanted her to see him, makes everyone happy...except me...but that's the price you pay for keeping your only child happy.

I'm looking at the bacardi, vodka and tequila...they look so inviting.