Epiphany Of The Jaded Reprobate

I'm sat here waiting for the police, my friend came over to show me her pierced tongue...she left at 10.13pm. She text me to say she left her hat here. So a knock at the door 40 mins ago, me thinking it's her, is my ex, he's got a bump on his head,after banging it constantly because apparently he's just heard me on the phone with someone and demanding to know who it was. He grabbed me by the throat and pushed me into the hallway. He then shouted Shanna to demand who I'm seeing, she is laid here shaking, I'm in shock, waiting for the police because he's left and their advice was to lock the doors, and they will be here before 12, or after 9 tomorrow.

I have now lost faith in everyone, i am crying my eyes out. I'm tired of people taking advantage of my timid nature.

I hope i don;t wake up tomorrow, because my back, neck and head hurt...more bruises and more pain.

Today has been a rather odd day, I slept some of it, I've managed 5 hours up to now, I'm still mixing pharmys (apparently meds is sanitary towels to an aussie)I was having a think back to my teens today, some of my most happier times, but not when I was at home. I used to love staying at my friends house to get a break from my family falling apart, you might think that sounds selfish, but watching your parents tear each other apart on a daily basis fucks with your mind...and i don't mean verbal, I'm talking proper fisticuffs...amongst other things. At the time I had only 2 little sisters, and it became so normal to see this happen, we would sit watching tv and turn the volume up as they had a huge fight. My dad has mentioned this to me before, he said he once was so shocked to see us just sat there like it was normal. Well dad it was. My mum might read this, I don't know, but she needs to know the reality at why I'm like I am. I am timid, I can be a smartarse, but I am timid. A couple of years ago this side of me changed for a while, and I did something I could never do again, I actually had real rage, and hurt someone really bad. She's since moved and it's a relief..because if she saw me taking my daughter to school, she'd cross the road and look fearful. If I hadn't been dragged off this woman I wouldn't be sat here writing this. I have taken hits from an ex of mine, I can take a lot of shit. If my mum went to hit me, I'd take it...Want to know what caused my rage? Bullying, and the fact I couldn't take the lies been said about me anymore...then she hit me first in the mouth. Never again could I hit anyone....

I miss my friends from my teens, I had a few close knit ones, some I hid from my parents, I am good at been secretive, it's in my nature, I would attend parties and go to clubs without my mum knowing, it helped me live a life and try new things. I remember a time my dad thought I was on drugs because of my secretive behaviour, I wasn't at the time he asked. I've only ever been a casual user, because they used to help lift my moods, and i'm talking 3/4 times a year, now it's really rare I venture to that part of my life...

I decided to be open about this shit, because I am tired of it harbouring in my mind.

So to you reading this Welcome To Paradise

Berry fact (its been a while) My lucky number is 16, its my birthday, daughters birthday and house number

I can't sleep, I've had 2 hours in 2 days, but I'm ok, just mellow. I'm pondering on a few thoughts, the truth is in front of me, and I have to look at in face on. I am losing a lot of the good things in my life, through my own self giving up on stuff. I have to change my life drastically, but where to start is another matter, I have love from people, maybe I should give it back to them, but how? How do you love again, how do you remember what love is, I love my daughter, but that was pointed out its maternal love...but can you love people if you don't love yourself? I think yes you can, because the love of another person makes you want to be someone better, to change. How many love's can Berry fit in this damn blog? I admit it, I want to be loved and to love someone in return.....but it comes at a great cost...it will either tear me apart from trying too hard, or it will end up me resenting them for trapping me while I am so ill. While I can live a normalish life, I can't keep a job, I am accused of been on coke often, and I have this constant uphill battle.

For someone to take this on it's not easy, and I realised this over the weekend, would I want to be with someone like me.....simple answer No. How do you begin to sift through the whole tangled web your mind and life is? How do we as humans fail to see the beauty that is around us?

I can't be what someone wants me to be, although I know people think they could have it with me, simple fact is, I can't be so open to everyone, I can't tell someone that they make my heart melt, my pulse race, my body quiver and all that crap...because I think it's just a dream. Maybe this is my dream and I can't wake up from it, maybe I have had one too many meds today...which I may have actually, I lost count.

The man of my dreams is there, he's just not reachable. I wish Sergio Pizzorno read this blog ~sighs~

This blog is my safe haven believe it or not, it's where I can offload this crap...so I can relax....but what you just read is thoughts I have chuntering on in my head constantly, like a massive crowd.

On a Lighter note, I dominated in the mafia game I'm part of...I fooking rule!!!

Thomas Dybdahl Solitude

Click the link As I have no idea how to add youtube links

It's a favourite song of mine when I'm reflecting

So much for solitude and spills from the mind
romantisized as always
I cannot afford not to invest in myself
but I won't let the world get you down

I won't leave your side
I won't leave your side

same old, same old
this is the way the story goes
when I need me most you need me more
the truth of it all is all around me I know
but it wasn't like this before
still, I won't let you down
no I won't leave your side
I won't let you down this time