Epiphany Of The Jaded Reprobate

I mixed meds today, see how I would feel, because frankly my moods are up, down, up, down...not coolio, so I took whole bunch of shit, not overdosed, just a couple over a period of 2 hours...I feel refreshingly happy..I can't hear the crowd noises and I feel quite normal. I'm going to continue this until wednesday when I have to visit the Doc again.

I just made a nice sunday roast, and I can't eat a bite of it, just lost my appetite again. Shanna's enjoying it.

I want to get out of this country, I hate been here, I don't feel at home here, I have nothing to keep us here...I love my family in my own way, but they live 150 miles away, and the only one I speak to is my mum every few days. My sisters forget they have a beautiful niece, yet I have to acknowledge their kids. My dad barely bothers with me, which i'm glad as he's a dickhead...I hate what he's become. I don't feel like they are my family, I feel like I share a mum and she feels this need to have to bother with me. I deal with the bullshit with my ex alone, I deal with my bi polar on my own, so I know I am a strong person.

I do have a gripe today, as always, why does my neighbour feels this chuffing need to cut his grass every 2 days, I have bleeding hayfever! I am allergic to pollen and wasps...me no like wasps...I also have a slight problem, both my curtain poles are held up with duck tape...one of these days its going to fall down...i also fixed a shelf with said duck tape...it's my new best friend.

On a lighter note the ketchup I squirted on my kitchen ceiling has now been cleaned off, took me 4 weeks. I'm only 5ft4 so it's not easy!

My music playlist is:

Disturbed ~ Down With The Sickness
Arctic Monkeys ~ 505
Adele ~ Daydreamer
Black Label Society ~ Just Killing Time ( this is my life anthem )
Dodgy ~ Good Enough
Dodgy ~ In a Room
Jack Penate ~ My Yvonne
Jazmine Sullivan ~ Make U Stay
Jazmine Sullivan ~ Break My Lil Heart
Kasabian ~ By My Side
Kasabian ~ Me Plus One
Kasabian ~ The Doberman
N*E*R*D ~ Thrasher
N*E*R*D ~ Don't Worry About it
Lupe Fiasco ~ Ghetto Story
Lupe Fiasco ~ Hurt Me Soul
Nine Inch Nails ~ Closer

An Ode To My Ex

I look at you and want you to die
You think your flash and rather fly
You try to hurt me more each time
But your words are mainly filth and grime
I hate the way you use my daughter
like taking to a lamb to slaughter
One deep dark day i'll show you why
you deserve to really and truly die.

Thoughts Of Anger

You could try and define me
But you`d just intertwine me.
I am the beauty of corruption,
The pain in destruction.
Living in mortality ,
Noting but brutality,
And impaired by rationality.
Living my life like a song,
Wanting to know where I belong.
Abandoned roads, show me my way,
As I`m wallowing in my dismay.
I`ll admit I lied,
Just to shield my pride,
Nothing left inside,
With no one left in whom to confide.
Vulgar memories at my mind`s gates,
Nothing left but my valueless traits,
Just want to feel safe,
Away from this internal strafe.
Is that too much to ask?
Waking up strapped to an oxygen mask.
I`m sick of being the only who tries,
It`s twisting me away
In need of support.
Quite frankly,
I`ve fallen short.