Epiphany Of The Jaded Reprobate

I've jostled with the thought of a complete image change...but after seeing some of the fashion around...i'll stick to my normal attire. It might just be that I live in a student city...but seeing 3 dudes in one day wearing a skirt, is quite the culture shock. Ok one was asian, but thats not the point. Sometimes I look at my neighbours and wonder what the heck are they wearing, like one she wears her pyjamas most of the week, and walks around in them, and she's actually sane....the pit of her insanity though was the pink teddybear ones...I thought shit, she needs a friend. I chatted to her wednesday, and realised shit now i see why you got no friends....I have no real friends because I'm an anti social bastard, and I kind of like the existence I have..i fly under the radar often...then POW!! I steal your oreo's!!! Muah muah muah....ok ok I am now talking crap, but you get my drift right? The neighbour in question went on about her drug problem and I did not know what to say to her...except...do you know any good dealers then? Yep I said that with a dead serious face too...she looked a bit shocked...I said it's just incase I decide the champagne supernova option is the way forward for me...this is the way i want to die in my old age though....

Ok, so i just paused for 28 mins, as I was making tea (dinner to non brits) I had a small plates worth of food, I eat less than a kid...but I'm a fat get, so I got fat to burn. And how the hell in this bloody world did westlife get on my itunes...seriously frickin westshite!! After some investigation i found out it was on one of shanna's old cd's...phew...thought in one of my high moods I'd turned into some boyband groupie.

I think my nightmares of giant pink teddybears and oreo's might calm down now ive talked about them.

Today has been a really up and down day, I'm already tired, and its only 2.25 pm.....well as i write this is it. I started writing a chapter to my book thingy...i call it that as I have no idea if it's about my life, or just shit I have written based on my life...up to know it's about my life. But I tend to wonder off subject often....(I try to deny I do this )

Got a call from school...I thought shit, Shannas finally blown a gasket and kicked off, but no her yoghurt had exploded in her lunch box...so I sorted that out, and then had half her friends hugging me...goddamn...it's hard to tell young kids to not to touch you...so I feel odd now. My friends girlfriend is all huggy huggy too...I had to tell her to get off me...she looked shocked..I hug few people, and the ones i do hug mean a lot to me.

I have been doing a comical thing lately...because i am from up north (oop north) We shorten our words a lot...one been couldn't...it turns into cunt...so we say i cunt do it...this amuses me, due to the fact I can slip in that word and been from yorkshire no one bats an eyelid. Now if you actually use the word as intended, you get a different reaction...mostly disgust or shocked...makes me chuckle.

I figured out how to keep my curtain poles up for good, duck tape and superglue...although a word of warning, with superglue make sure you don't cut the top too much...or else if it goes on your hand and if you hold onto the wall...the wall somehow becomes part of you...~coughs~ not that this happened to me ~shuffles feet~

I want a recipe for carrot and corriander soup, but it has to be nice....I like making stuff, and this is my two favourite things at the moment....although i can;t stand raw carrot...hurts my tummy when i eat it raw. Same as apples...how i miss those

On a much lighter note, I can now work my stereo...it just needed plugging in.

I've been reading some of my posts, and realised some days I sounded so out of control...yesterday was one of those days. I let things bother me, I try to resist things, but when I can't I get the ultimate frustration. It's not helped by factors surrounding my life, or other peoples. I can change who I am, but I question who I am daily, so I'm screwed in a way. I haven't got anyone who totally understands, but i do know someone who gets me...that is scary in a way. Because very few people get one another....it's a shame I just fuck that friendship up constantly.

I have no idea how to trust people, how to want them for keeps, or even how to let them see me. I tried doing that with someone and I get a jealousy streak...so maybe I need a guy who likes that shit?

I can't sleep I keep trying but I feel restless, I watched Shanna for a good half hour, she looks so peaceful, I dread to think the shite she will endure when she's older. I worry she will have the bipolar too, she shows signs of it, but no one ever knows until they are adults.

I am totally frustrated.....in all ways, and I have no idea how to release the frustration...only know 2 ways....