Well seeing as I am in this kind of mood I might as well blog this crap in my head. I confuse people sometimes, ok about me been closed off...this means in person I would never tell you any of the shit in my blog, if i want my neighbours to drop dead you;d never know, if I was angry at how my "friends" have treated me...you'd not know. I write...I think I was a born writer, as here I can spill my damn guts....but do i? In some ways yes, but you only get a fraction on my day, or my mood. Like yesterday, I haven't told you the full extent of my illness, or how the psychaitrist is concerned at my lack of anger...I let a skinny 5ft 7ins guy try to throttle me...yet all i could do was feel guilty...thats fucked up right? Most people express anger in different ways, they shout, bitch, hit out or take drugs etc...the list is long but you get my drift...I used to cut myself to release anger...and before you judge me...I hid it that well, my family never knew i did it for years...I'm not an attention seeker either. I have bottled up enough stuff that my doctor called me today and has made me have an appointment...here your doc doesn't do that...your supposed to call them. She said has it sunk in etc, I said I don't know, it's bothered me because I have all the traits that are described to do with both bi polar and bpd, yet I wish it wasn't true.
Yesterday the psychaitrist didn't know how i supressed such strong emotions, because he said most people by now have released at least a part of it. I said I have i think, but they don't buy it. He said that none of his other patients are the same as me, he said he doesn;t know how i have survived this long the way I have....it seems normal to me? i actually said to him don't be a divvy, you just have to get on with it...because no ones there to help me when i stumble, just me.

This statement made him think im detached from most people...well i'm lying, a few things i said made him think that :)) the fact i cut my family off easily, and how even though I DID love my nan and was seriously close to her, I cut her off that easy she's dead to me. I saw her a while ago and felt nothing, no love or hate, like she was a stranger..i've seen men like me, mostly hardened men with drug habits or drunks...but never realised I was like this, I wasn't aware of my lack of personal relationships. Infact i wasn't aware of much, I just got by...and my mum got me thinking...am i close to my kid? She thinks I'm not, so now I'm stressing out...that i'm a crap mum. I only ever want to be a good mum.

Im too tired to type anymore. But I'm starting the book my mum told me to write, she thinks it will help...I think she is right...and thanks mum...you did help yesterday xx