That there is the hand written diagnosis I was given today, the one i was dreading, the one thing I hoped for the last 3 years wasn't true...I will get an official letter by the end of the week confirming that I infact have Bipolar Affective Disorcer and Borderline Personality Disorder I'm unsure what to think, what to say to you all or even what to do...He said I have abandonment issues, I close people off, and that I don't like starting up any kind of relationships due to my walls. He said I may try, but I back off. There was a lot more said, and I really don't want to share it...as it's mainly me hating been rejected and stuff..I knew I was closed off, my family will tell you that...but I never had someone who knew their shit tell me...and it's hit me really hard...like the truth has slapped me 4 times in the teeth.
I'm fucking done talking, seriously, I can't keep been so open here, a few of you understand, a few try to, and the rest don't give a shit...I have no idea where I'm going from here...and you know what...I;m scared of doing this alone...really bloody scared. But I can never ask anyone along for the journey...because I don't let anyone close enough...hence why the psychaitrist has said that even though I was with my ex for 11 years, it;s why he never knew me...because I am secretive and evasive...he said I don't really know who i am myself, because I have different elements of my personality that come out. And I don't know which one I really am.
I'm now done talking about this. I need to somehow not fuck myself up on drink and push this anger and pain down...because apparently this is how i have coped since i was 9. Nice.
