Epiphany Of The Jaded Reprobate

Mexican Word of the day...(easy say it in the mexican accent)

"Harrassment"

My lady caught me with another girl and I said, harrassment nuthin to me.

I wanted to blog last night, then this morning and then this afternoon...only what I want to say in words wouldn't come out...I wanted to tell you about my day out, and my night...but I felt I couldn't open up here. I thought I found in someone I could confide in, and sometimes it seems appropiate, but something doesn't feel right and I can't put my finger on it....I think it's me. I am really worried about my assessment tomorrow, because this is the final stage to my whole process with bi polar, I have held this off for 3 years. I'm scared....The one person who I was quite close to is now my enemy...my ex. He was a controlling cunt, but there were good times to be honest, and I was thinking over the good times, but they can't outweigh the bad, and the fact I stayed just because....I could have gone back so many times, but i'd have been lying to both of us, and it never changed, he never changed. Yet I miss the times I want to be just me...when I could go all day with no make up on and still be told i'm pretty, or to be scared and have that cuddle that said look i'm here. He was my bestest friend to be honest...and thats the part I miss, not the love, but the fact he was like a buddy, for the last 5 years it was like 2 people who were friends. But I wasn't really allowed other friends. So I'm going to an important appointment, on my own...My family are miles away, my bi friend is working....I'll get through it as I always do...but I have no fucking idea how I cope. The doctor doesn't either. Fucked if I care right now.

I want to get really drunk again, I downed 8 shots of bacardi at 2 am this morning, I slept really good...I don't remember any nightmares and I had no hangover. I'm lucky, I never get them, I can be fine the next day...my secret is one slice of toast and milk. Then orange juice in the morning.
I think though I am been way too open and not as closed off anymore, dangerous I think because I am really naive at times, and I do learn from my mistakes...but I normally have to learn a pretty hard lesson to do so.

In all honesty I am at a confusing time in my life, I'm so confused on what I want that the edges are blurry and people confuse that all the more...and I need stability. It's why I'm finding it hard to pour my real feelings here.
It comforts me knowing other people feel like I do, or have elements of the same emotional crap going on. I don;t feel so alone, because what none of you realise is, the people I call friends, aren't around that often, I am a mum with no babysitter, no one who I trust with my kid, and they don't want to sit in. I don't really know anyone my age with a 10 yr old, and the ones I know with kids, are different to me...they don't like looking good, always down and i end up soaking up their problems too.

As for my day out, it was great, met up with everyone and there was about 42 of us, I had pics taken, and i felt ok about it, might put some up. Was a nice sunny day...but I think I'm a freak...I'm still wearing jumpers and finding it not that hot, and I'm not really sweating either....