Ok after a day of thinking, I came to the conclusion, that I didn't see things too clearly yesterday. I;m not seeing them too clearly now, but that's not a big issue. My issue is this...What I have written here about, my ex knows I write this...he doesn't know the addy as luckily he's rather dimwitted with computers. But he once read it a few times, and I figured he still did.
So I got this to worry about, I got the bail papers this morning, and then got a solicitor about it all. He's called my mum about some tickets he got for me as a suprise...I have refused them. I'm overly confused at how i'm meant to feel...I spent 11 years with someone who barely knew me...he never fully got me...he just wanted me to be the way he thought i should be. Yet I miss part of him...it's a small part I miss...I feel utterly lonely inside and outside, I am relieved he's gone, I'm just not used to the new found freedom. How do i embrace that? How do I stop existing and actually living?

I don't know how to let pain go, I don;t know how to stop turning my pain on myself....I am resisting the urges to self medicate constantly. My daughter is what stops me giving up...I feel like i'm staring down the barrel of a 45, and just stuck as to what path to go on.

On a lighter note I played footy today, my weight loss is making me fitter.

someone brought this to my attention, i feel this way sometimes


Shinedown 45

Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd
In these times of doing what you're told
You keep these feelings, no one knows
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight

What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

[CHORUS]

Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe
I believe

[CHORUS]