I can't sleep, I've had 2 hours in 2 days, but I'm ok, just mellow. I'm pondering on a few thoughts, the truth is in front of me, and I have to look at in face on. I am losing a lot of the good things in my life, through my own self giving up on stuff. I have to change my life drastically, but where to start is another matter, I have love from people, maybe I should give it back to them, but how? How do you love again, how do you remember what love is, I love my daughter, but that was pointed out its maternal love...but can you love people if you don't love yourself? I think yes you can, because the love of another person makes you want to be someone better, to change. How many love's can Berry fit in this damn blog? I admit it, I want to be loved and to love someone in return.....but it comes at a great cost...it will either tear me apart from trying too hard, or it will end up me resenting them for trapping me while I am so ill. While I can live a normalish life, I can't keep a job, I am accused of been on coke often, and I have this constant uphill battle.

For someone to take this on it's not easy, and I realised this over the weekend, would I want to be with someone like me.....simple answer No. How do you begin to sift through the whole tangled web your mind and life is? How do we as humans fail to see the beauty that is around us?

I can't be what someone wants me to be, although I know people think they could have it with me, simple fact is, I can't be so open to everyone, I can't tell someone that they make my heart melt, my pulse race, my body quiver and all that crap...because I think it's just a dream. Maybe this is my dream and I can't wake up from it, maybe I have had one too many meds today...which I may have actually, I lost count.

The man of my dreams is there, he's just not reachable. I wish Sergio Pizzorno read this blog ~sighs~

This blog is my safe haven believe it or not, it's where I can offload this crap...so I can relax....but what you just read is thoughts I have chuntering on in my head constantly, like a massive crowd.

On a Lighter note, I dominated in the mafia game I'm part of...I fooking rule!!!