Epiphany Of The Jaded Reprobate

This is my safe place, no idea why it's not my house, maybe because of the things that have happened, but I always think if anything happens I'd return to this place...I've been here today for a few hours. I take shit pictures, but this is on my camera phone...so it will do

My ex wanted a song to understand me, this is the best one Schizophrenic Conversations...although i still prefer killing time...morbid shit i know

Thanks to people commenting again, sorry I haven;t replied to each of you individually...i will when I'm talkative.

Thanks to the dickhead who tagged me, so that's changed now...friends only, so that should be fun.

I decided on no meds to help me through bi polar, I'm trying the moods stablising exercise thingy, and may do this along meds in the future. I regret this decision for various reasons, but who really gives a shit anyways

I'm in pain with my wrists, so much I barely have the energy to type. I write when I can.

I have realised I do know what Love is, and it's painful but nice all at once.

I'm shifting out of the low mood, back to normal, I slept 8 hours again last night. You'd think i'd be refreshed...but nope I am so tired. I slept 6 hours the night before, and 7 before that. I have lucid dreams so deep sleeps is no good for me...I hate sleep. My nightmares seem so real to me again.

I am now off into town to find something for my dad for fathers day, I miss him sometimes, just wish he didn't turn into such a knobhead.

I thought I saw Will Smith at the cash machines in Sheffield, but it was just a really tall man who looked a bit like him...thank lordy I didn't say hello...I did however say hello to the mayor who asked me where he could get a maccy d's from...I said maccy d's and walked off

I should comment on my friends blogs, but i read them and don't feel witty. So sorry guys...i do read though.

I just came home from my mental health review...I admitted the thought of lithium and other meds scares the shite out of me, and would like to try mood management, which now means i'm been referred to some other bastard, who i have to open back up to...i now regret not just taking the meds. They gave me 3 sleeping tablets, and I asked why only 3, give me 24 days worth, he said they are addictive...i mean what in the hell...how could anyone become addicted to sleeping...I hate sleeping. I hate my dreams when I sleep.

I'm still high, so they have referred me to this other person for extra support, as they feel i haven;t got much support close wise. I am quite high so i agreed to almost everything, because i don;t always give a crap. I also had my hair cut today, and told her if she cut more than she needed to off, i may scalp her. She found this funny, i wasn't joking

I took my daughter on her first ever double decker bus, she loved it...never again i felt so ill when we went down this hill...i wanted to die. Vertigo is bad with the hills in sheffield and a DD bus.

I think i overspent, so this high is making me skint/broke yet again...shit.

Regardless of the shit I just wrote about, I am in a good mood.

Some people are pretenders, a few are pleasers, a few are helpers, a few are leaders, and the others are lost.

I have had such a crazy month that I've come to see what people are like, even online. I have a big day ahead of me, and I can only count on 3 people. I missed my ex for the first time on saturday, because every year for the last 11 years, it's been us having a few drinks, and laughing at the crazy shit that is the Eurovision song contest. I realised although i never opened up about stuff, and i never told him about the things that made me happy, he was one of the few people that was a friend.

I keep getting the tremors more often now, I know I haven;t blogged about this, but i shake after sugar a lot, and recently tremors have started down my right hand side. I already have severe arthritis in both my wrists...some days i cant write, and typing takes the piss. Yeah funny how I have listened to people talk about pain, when secretly at times I wish I could cut my arms off, as the pain is so severe, and with the weather changing constantly, my wrists ache all the time. I also have it right knee, because of an old injury, same with my wrists. Plus i have the shortening of one bone which is painful on top.

Now for the happy stuff, Ive been fixing my house up, because I feel a change was needed. My dog has rationed her magnet intake lately, so maybe she prefers the cheap crap dog food. I have a job placement, but nothing permanant as the guy noticed in my interview how i was reacting, and asked my job agency if i had any medical issues, they admitted it was bi polar, and i found out he has the same thing, so he wants to help me out. I'm seeing him thursday.

I saw my old girlfriend, she confused me for a day or two, she's not as stunning as she once was...but I realised I am straight...thank god. Too much emotional BS with another woman.

On a lighter note, I am on virgin phone network, pay as you go, and they give you rewards, well over the last 3 years i've saved up £100, i got me a new sony ericsson...and i love it...been ages since I got anything new.

I end up in featured blogs

I have had a really weird weekend, I think that not sleeping played a part in this, my Australian friends is coming over In August, because my seemingly crazy mind has made him rather worried, he sent me cash again yesterday, which was nice. I miss my old friends, most have moved abroad..My other Aussie mate Joe just went back to Brisbane, so Sheffield is a quieter place for me.

I decorated my bathroom today, i thought it would look good in trhis crazy blue, it doesn't...so i may repaint it. I'm avaliable for hire

I'm liking the old groove armada tune supa stylin....damn it rocks.

I figured out how to use the surround sound on my stereo, after having it for 2 years...the wonders of technology eh?

I have to go on meds tuesday, I am worried it will change me... man that should be a good thing right? Erm...depends I suppose. I have got a liking for mint sauce and yorkshire puddings....my favourite comfort food ever!

My dog has polished off 28 magnets this week, so I changed her dog food....i'll let you know how that goes.

Long day, crappy weather, and I had my assessment letter. And it's only 4 30 pm

I decided a few people are mega aceholes, well done to those people

I cured my vertigo for all of 10 mins...progress.

I want to thank people who have commented, if I haven't replied it's nothing personal...i'll get around to it.

I don't feel like pouring my heart out as something I read made me think...plus i'm closed off at the moment...so well done to that writer ~claps~

My old chest freezer has been gathering water on my back garden for 4 months, my kid decided to show me the tadpoles living in there...she has a problem with bumping into things...even though they aren't in the way...so we ended up with taddy's all over the floor...that was amusing.

I must have fallen asleep at 5 am this morning....I do not recall tieing toilet around my living room like its trimmings at christmas....I do not remember drinking, I do not remember blogging, and I do not remember the lollypop incident....I do remember however having my Australian friend calling me, and me telling him how much I needed him to rescue me, from the hell I call life...only for him to laugh and say go to sleep....

I also don't remember making the 7 dozen chocolate chip cookies that are piled on my kitchen side...this has to be the most weirdest mania I have ever been on.

Shanna was late for school just now, she's got her exam at 10.15, her teacher bitched at me...and I have that glazed look again, so he asked me if I had any problems, so I said yes would you care for me to reel them off....he was implying whether or not I had a drug problem...how do you explain to some dumb people ~shrugs~

So I have had 3 hours sleep in roughly 2 and a half days, I am now about to paint my hallway, because I have so much energy I can't sit still.

I also took pictures last night on my phone, but it's not got blue tooth and i don't have the data cable, but I don't remember taking those either....I never knew fat girls could do such bending! I'm a supple mofo I know that for damn sure! From what I can see with these pictures I cured my vertigo for a while They aren't dirty I knew you were thinking they are...

On a lighter note I think I cleaned my house last night besides the toilet roll, my washing is neatly stacked and the dust that was on my tv, is no longer there. GO ME!

But i can't share it yet, it could be big news....but it's to do with my writing....and let's face it I can hardly hold down a full time job...seeing as i'm the resident smackhead...that was the assessment of the last job interviewer...

I tried to get rid of my fear of vertigo 3 times this week....it's not worked, I'm not attempting the scared of the dark one...I already wasted 4 batteries as i think i see stuff in the dark...The bump on my head is now down to a mound and no longer a mountain...thank you for all of your concern...

I haven't spoken to Paul since I farted at his house, just so we are clear!

I wish I could cheer NotBob up....I wish I could have a hug off Milly, I wish C (first) was over in England as I need his sarcasm. I wish Kari was over here too....I wish a lot, but I wish my daughter good luck for her SAT's. She really bright and has been getting year 6 grades, and she's only year 5

I'm in a good mood still and its been 49 hours since i slept, i am not worried, because I think I maybe hallucinating and really am sleeping.

I keep sucking my thumb, so I think I must be content....

I have been speaking to my friend today, who has decided for the 8th time this year he will quit smoking... He hasn't lasted more than 3 days....this was his new years resolution...he goes all nuts when he doesn't get his nicotene, and he had on 6 patches earlier...wonder if he is overdosing?

This brings me to suntans, I saw a lady today that looked like she'd been tangoed...i see people with lovely tans, ones that are real, and some that are "assisted". I have what you call the "English Rose" complextion...Or as my mates call it, "death warmed up" complextion. I never tan, my bodys way of trying is to make me get more freckles. I go red then back to white, but to be honest I never really had the patience to sit in the sun for more than 30 mins anyway. It used to bother me that I looked like I was a vampire/goth/freak. But I got to thinking at Christmas I should embrace this pale skin and New Years Eve I made my resolution....never to wear fake tan or attempt to burn myself to own one. Now going back to tango lady, She didn't look happy with herself, she had a lovely figure, nice nails, nice teeth and bright glowing tan, yet she had a sadness about her. I smiled at her...now bearing in mind I look like a pychopath when I smile...she actually smiled back. She said Hello..I said hey, going on your hols? She said no, she just wanted to cheer herself up....I said oh...what could i say...well look love, ya tan looks like it's belongs on the traffic lights of amber....I wanted to leave after a while as she was lighting up a cigerette and blew it into my face...im sure it was an accident, but it made me get bad thoughts anyway. My bus came shortly after, and I think the bus driver put on his sunglasses to serve her, because he took them off just after.

That was a trippy few mins, but I'm definetly not having fake tan, as close up it looks streaky to me. I'd look a complete divvy with a tan anyway. But I can safely say I have kept all my New year resolutions, the other two wear to keep eating lollipops, and to change my knickers everyday, I knew i would keep those ones

Just a question...If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday?

I have been on this high for 2 days....it is wonderful, I already managed to get a lump on my head, spill sprite down my jeans where it looked like i'd peed myself, rode a trial bike downhill...had the big sex talk with my 10 yr old...and told her that storks bring babies, and she then gave me the sex ed class....shame on me. Confused my neighbour into thinking I'm really a man, made a lewd suggestion to a shy nerd...painted my hallway a nice shade of green, which i hate, so painting it back to cream later. And found out my best friend is having a baby, and now she's having an abortion...because she sleeps around behind her blokes back...which has resulted in me been rather honest and calling her a tart. She is bi sexual to add on top of that

I'm very happy, just wish people would stop mind games....but at the moment it's washing over me....I have a huge life problem, that i can't be arsed to blog about....so yep that's my day up to now....I'm getting through 12 lollypops a day, i think this addiction may become a problem in later weeks. Its the only sugar i can have without the shakes.

Oh and I have only farted in private lately so pfft!

Who needs drugs when you have bipolar...it's wonderful

I will track you down....I already have a feeling I know who it was ....I'm also turning pro....I mean for my blog

I must wish a very Happy Birthday to one of my favourite all time Bloggers BoredRich!! Hope you have a fantastic day ~huge hugs~

To C who regulary guest stars and comments....LMAO You are nuts my friend....bloody nuts!

Ok today I have been up up and away, I was supposed to tell you about something stupid I did, but I forgot the whole thing....because I banged my head. I'm ok, the Doc's just said I have slight concussion...no shit! I now can't sleep all day...I did point out I am on a high so sleeping is not high on my list of stuff to do...so they tried referring me to the other doc...she scares the crap out of me...Cruella DeVil is who I'm sure she models herself on. I sometimes want to say to her "Darlhhhhlinnnn" Like Cruella does...meh if you have no idea what i'm waffling about then I can;t help you

Oh yeah I banged my head after trying to conqure my vertigo problem....don't ask.

Other news is that today I'm supposed to be fully ready for a job, yet the last interview I went to believed I was a junkie....so i took that little report into the job centre today, and said you find me a job that likes my disorders and I'll kiss your arse for a year. She wasn't impressed...wonder why? Maybe she didn't like my lipgloss...then again her customer service skills didnt impress me either, so I told her so...4 times.

I love life at the moment, it's absolutely crap, yet i can smile...

but now I'm not as shy....MILLY you need to come see me....i'll be chatty as heck now!

Oh and my dog has eaten 4 magnets today....that's a record for her

Also I think I fixed my microwave problem, if i bash it with the hammer, the food cooks evenly sometimes.

Thanks to notbob, I have been giggling now for 2 hours....I can't sleep as I begin to giggle...so as well as a fartarse, I am a gigglearse

It could just be the copious amount of sugar I have digested...

Ok, I have to blog this....because it's a big deal...I went to see my mate Paul today, he's got an xbox 360 and I like to play various games....well today we were doing a word game during our fifa game of soccer, he said probe and i laughed a lot....I laughed so much I farted loudly and it dragged on. Then ~silence~

Paul cracked up laughing so much I thought he'd have a coronary right there in the living room....I have only ever farted in front of family members, but even then always felt outdone by my sister....who does whoppers. I am shy in that sense and believe it's unladylike...unlike my mum...who farts on command. So while he was laughing I just said have a nice day, and walked devestated home...18 texts messages later, it's gone around our group of friends like wildfire, as I needed to get some bread, I donned my hat and hid in disguise up to the shop. I saw Sarah, who shouted Carlaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...you fartarse! I gave her my one fingered salute...she pissed herself laughing....Am I over reacting? Is farting the way forward? Should I take a leaf out of my mum, sisters and daughters book and just fart all the time....Should i just embrace farting in public.....?

maybe I'm just old fashioned...maybe I just do smelly ones who knows...I am ashamed of myself...

We have a huge american fridge.....my daughter has over 500 magnets....My dog loves chewy little plastic bits...she's just been snacking on a number 8 ...yet again! So now the numbers all have chew marks in them, my fridge is due a wipe down thursday...this fills me with dread...it takes 45 mins just to take the damn magnets off!

I'm no good with the laptop built in cam..so this will have to make do to give you an idea of the task ahead of me

I'm in a good mood, and I think I have found the perfect drink...yummy!

I am happy today, I have hardly slept...I am beginning a new high...woo woo!! Means this blog won't be a depressed mess. Sun is shining,I am still freezing, and I decided I don't like someone, as he makes people feel like crap...

I'm about to do something rather stupid, but it means I get my thrills for todays high...

Things that make me happy...

1. my ipod touch
2. Shanna
3. Cheech
4. Kasabian
5. My book of writing
6. Little Mermaid (don;t ask)
7. Nintendo DS
8. Harvest Moon
9. My shih tzu
10. Baked Alaska Ben and Jerrys (one spoonful and im out for the count)

Songs I am listening to at the moment

1 Disturbed - Down With The Sickness
2 Kasabian - Stay away From The Brown Acid
3 Floetry - If I was A Bird
4 Paramore - Thats What You Get
5 Puddle Of Mudd - Never Change
6 Black Label Society - Killing Time
7 Rage Against The Machine - Bullet in the Head
8 Seether - Driven Under
9 Seether - Walk Away From The Sun
10 Smashing Pumpkins - Farewell and Goodnight

Ways to piss me off

1. Bullshit me
2. smell of lavendar
3. play with my mind/head/heart
4. leave the toilet seat up
5. pressure me
6. constantly snore
7. beep your car horn late at night
8. never call me back (my mother )
9. play crap music
10. ask me what's wrong constantly

I am bored...so did this top ten list stuff.......I had an interesting day, nothing I want to blog about because it's personal...I don't feel like showing more faults of mine. I am in a good mood, and things are looking up now, someone made that worthwhile. Maybe I'm just going into a bipolar high? I hope so, they my favs

I was in the city centre today, and I saw someone I have not seen since I was 16. He used to work for rock steady, as security...last time I saw him he was a hulk of a man. Today he's more toned and not as big, but still someone you wouldn't fuck around with, he knew my friends I grew up with, and my first long term boyfriend Simon. He would often get us into clubs and parties for free, a lot of the time guest list entry only. One weekend I was supposed to be working, but stayed at my friend Sam's house...we decided to see what everyone was up to, and to see if Mikey was working for anyone famous. Simon called him up and he got us into a party in manchester. Sam's dad dropped us all off, and I told my mum I was staying at her house for the night....I often did stay at sam's, but i never told my mum where we were off to.

At this party a lot of americans were there, no one I knew, but apparently famous...~shrugs shoulders~ Unbeknown to me I met Faith Evans, I thought she was nice and she introduced me to her man, he was a huge dude, and I asked him about his chains, he bellowed out laughing. He had a lot of big guys around him, but i knew he was someone special. I asked him his name and he said Christopher, and i told him i was Carla. After a few drinks, bearing in mind i was only just 16, I went onto water, and he asked me why. So i explained I look older than I am, and would rather have my wits about me in a strange place. My boyfriend at the time Simon was at the bar as usual. I listened to these people chat all night. I never realised what rap royalty I had the priviledge to sit with, because no other white person was sat there. I never batted an eyelid actually, as I have been brought up with all walks of life. Faith kept on making me feel very welcome, so I asked her why did she approach me, and her answer was this "You looked so radiant and sweet, that I wanted to say hello."

See looking back I think wow, she wanted to talk to me!!! If only I knew about american music more back then. The Chris guy and I got talking about weight issues, something that for some reason made the others uncomfy, and I am rather blunt, and me at the time was chubby, so he smiled and said no one had ever dared ask him about his weight....so i said is this where I get my arse kicked? He laughed so loud that I almost shit myself. He told me about his isssues and it became apparent he was just like me....lonely. The people around him were bullshitters, hangers on...they said what he wanted to hear, but thing is....he needed the truth. He had a lot of charisma, and when his massive mobile rung, he told this small guy to tell the people he's busy....something that shocked most of his crew. I got up to use the toilet, and the whole place stood up...Faith smiled and said I had gained the respect of everyone...at 16 this was all new to me...and i was like...bugger I hope they don't want to watch me piss.

I came back and had a big glass of orange juice and raspberries waiting...he had picked up on the fact I had added raspberries to my drink...that was cool. Faith and I chatted about her kids, and how she was hoping to make more music. Simon had someone fetch me, and Sam had been having fun elsewhere, so it was time for me to go. Chris said something to me and I never listened to his advice until today when I saw Mikey again... Chris said " Stay far from timid,Only make moves when your heart's in it, and live the phrase the Sky's The Limit" He then turned to a guy and said write that down, i'll use that for a hook. He then said to me, you have a beautiful soul, your eyes are that soul, don't let anyone bring you down Carla, because you were made for great things, you just have to believe in you.

His words have been ingrained on my mind for a long long time, I only now truly understand what he was telling me, and life is too short to be fucking it up. So from now on I will grab what I have with both hands and try not to let my disorders win.

I never saw these people again, they made an impression on my life, but I never appreciated what until recently. I have met lots of people, but none like Chris. He was shot 11 months later.

Hey First did you a little poem on the forum for you...because you got me through a crappy week...there's no drama with you...except the time you had a mid life crisis! Thanks for been my friend dude, thanks for understanding my moods, or when I don't want to talk, or when I decide to drink myself into oblivion and you pick me back up. You are what a true friend is, and I am always going to be grateful to my mum for letting me join her forum...so yep, thats my mushy mood for this week...but I know you've been depressed and thought you needed telling how great you are...and that I do appreciate everything. I know you love me for me, and never try changing me...a true friend yet again. I love you (friends wise for people who seem confused)

Oh and thanks for all the goodies you sent, I'm running out of lucky charms, but I still never had a friend who would do that until I met you. Thanks First ( i won't say your real name )

P.s I had a think about the issues we both have....we are nuts...we know it right? so fuck the world and continue to be nuts! At least you're not as anti social...god what have I done to you?

Just got back from my meeting with Big sister Milly.....how was it? well after what seemed a lifetime of getting to Crystal Peaks...I walked up from the tram, and saw a familiar face stood waiting, I was in two minds to either play it cool, and just shake her hand, or to hug her, for some reason I went against all my views and hugged her! I only hug people I feel really comfy with. After that we walked to the coffee shop I sort of remembered in that place...We chatted for a while...well Milly did, she talks more than me, and I need that. She doesn't force me to be open, she let me say what I needed and made me feel at ease. I was sort of in awe of her most of the time we had together. I didn't dare tell her that, she might have hit me upside the head!

You might wonder why I was in awe of her...I don't get to meet too many blunt, honest and open people...she is one of the few that no matter what you say, never makes you feel or look a twat.
I opened up about some personal things I don't blog about...and she even confirmed what I thought. Which was nice to hear from someone else away from the whole situation. We look around the shops, and came across one...now been chubby lasses...we seem to have the same conclusions on fashion! We saw some fucked up tops...and I mean shit you wouldn't even dress you chubby insane Gran in...Evans was the worst...frumpy clothes for fat people..because nothing says it all like frumpy! So the idea of MillyBerry Fashions was born.... Who knows where this will lead...but the thought and idea of it has whirred in my mind all afternoon and I have been drawing clothes She inspires me loads!
We had a walk around the whole shopping centre, and when it was time to go, I felt I was saying goodbye to someone I feel close to already...the things we have been through, the habits we have, it is like we are sisters. Milly often says the things I am thinking, but never say outloud, only when I write. The internet is a strange place, and in this strange place I have found a kindred spirit, someone who really does understand my feelings and gives me advice, whether its brutally honest or comfort.
I keep looking at the drill and thinking Milly needs to teach me how to use it I could give you the whole convo, or make this a hell of a lot more comical, because we laughed loads! But I am so happy and relaxed, that instead I said it as it was.

Ok I'm no drunk, and I rarely drink. I begun drinking at 1 am this morning...why the devil for? I don't know I remember all my conversations, because I ended up been rather blunt! Having no stomach acid, with spirits I might as well have a UV line inserted into my vain instead

I am still swaying, and feel light headed, I am meeting Milly today, so I have to buck up myself and stop giggling! I'm really excited!! I figured that i am my own person, I cannot do DIY, I am bad around superglue, duct tape, microwaves and people who smell of wee. I can only work sky plus, due to my ex and daughter giving me extensive lessons on using the coloured buttons. I was once a whizz at computer games, only to be surpassed by my 10 year old at mario kart....this my fellow bloggers has dinted my bloody ego! I can't get better than 7th place....~shuffles feet and looks ashamed~ I also decided during my drunken haze I am nice, and if people don't want that or like that then tough!

Can someone give me tips on using a drill, or better still come do some DIY for me? Also just say you were only 5ft 4...and you somehow climbed the old step ladders you have, and put your favourite bra around the light thing to dry...no idea why that would enter anyones head...but in theory if this happened...Do you send your kid up the ladders to get it, or you with your vertigo get it? Not that THIS has happened, I'm talking hypothetically....Honest

My ex said to me 4 months ago, I know you hate pop crap, but listen to Impossible by Christina Aguilera...now this guy isn't creative, but he knew it's the only way he could ever get through to me..I just listened to it, and thought uh oh....

I've decided to let go of the crappy feelings and just stick to been nuts but funny...seems to work best don't ya think?

The woman annoys me but the lyrics mean a lot in loads of ways...shame I didn't listen to the poor fucker huh? I'm glad i'm impossible to love, makes life so so much easier

Impossible

t's impossible
It's impossible to love you
If you don't let me know what you're feeling
It's impossible for me to give you what you need
If you're always hidin' from me

I don't know what hurt you
I just, I wanna make it right
Cos boy I'm sick and tired of trying to read your mind

It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you
It's the way it is
It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible
If you makin' it this way

Impossible to make it easy
If you always tryin' to make it so damn hard
How can I, how can I give you all my love, baby
If you're always, always puttin' up your guard

This is not a circus
Don't you play me for a clown
How long can emotions keep on goin' up and down

It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you
It's the way it is
It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible
If you keep treating me this way
Over, over (over and over)

Impossible baby (impossible, impossible)
If you makin' it this way, this way
Oh baby, it's impossible
If you makin' it this way

For the last 2 hours I have been lost on public transport..through choice I have realised that after living in Sheffield for most of my life..I have only ever used certain bus routes, and where I live I only use the tram or 51 service...yet at the top of my road there's another 3 services....so the daring bugger in me decided to change my view on stuff and venture onto one of these buses...I text milly back after we were arranging tomorrow, only to look up and have bloody idea where the heck I was..instead of panicking I giggled...my first giggle since yesterday....My sense of adventure had kicked in and I felt free...until this old biddy got on and decided that her 6 carrier bags needed to hit me on the boob!! They are rather sensitive at the moment ~coughs~ Ladies you know how that goes...So with my aching tit I moved seats and blew a raspberry...much to the amusement of 2 guys. Shanna was hiding her laughs...The old woman then called me rude and said I should set a better example to my younger sister I stayed quiet and smiled, as unbeknown to her she just paid me the nicest compliment I have received today....so when we finally reached the city centre...with great relief I thanked the lady for hurting my knocker ( i actually said that ) and that me and my daughter apologise for our silly behaviour, but sometimes you have to "let loose"...she said she was suprised Shanna was my daughter, to the agreement of half the bus So I feel really big headed right now...

I want to just say to Raphael if you ever read this....It's not easier and I got a mega headache over stuff. And I miss the music.

Also I attempted to try and fix a shelf up...if I put none round things on it they roll off, they stick if i add blu tack, is it ok to glue and tape the brackets? Just wondering...not that i have...because I didn't drill the holes too big for the screw...~shakes head in denile~

Got a fact for you, as a child I was classed as gifted and had the chance to go to a private school, my parents thought it would be better leaving me where I was...I had intelligence beyond my years...wonder what the heck happened?

The Back of You

Your bitter words have left me broken
The way they made me feel wide open,
I tried to tell you the way things are
Instead you opened up the deep deep scar

We fight and argue but still want more
The intrigued and lust was/is the allure
You cut me deep the worst i’ve had
I feel no joy and i’m hurting bad

I’m selfish, needy and wanted it all
This is and was my biggest downfall
You pushed and pushed and I resist
But you never knew you were truly missed

If you saw my tears you’d understand
I needed you to take my hand
I’m hard to love and loved too hard
My heart is like a broken glass shard

I lost you tonight and feel it raw
I cannot give you me anymore
I wish you wanted me to stay
Instead I’ll watch as you fade away.

By Berry 17th May 2008

It's not the best, but i had to get my words out, and here it is.