Epiphany Of The Jaded Reprobate

This is my safe place, no idea why it's not my house, maybe because of the things that have happened, but I always think if anything happens I'd return to this place...I've been here today for a few hours. I take shit pictures, but this is on my camera phone...so it will do

My ex wanted a song to understand me, this is the best one Schizophrenic Conversations...although i still prefer killing time...morbid shit i know

Thanks to people commenting again, sorry I haven;t replied to each of you individually...i will when I'm talkative.

Thanks to the dickhead who tagged me, so that's changed now...friends only, so that should be fun.

I decided on no meds to help me through bi polar, I'm trying the moods stablising exercise thingy, and may do this along meds in the future. I regret this decision for various reasons, but who really gives a shit anyways

I'm in pain with my wrists, so much I barely have the energy to type. I write when I can.

I have realised I do know what Love is, and it's painful but nice all at once.

I'm shifting out of the low mood, back to normal, I slept 8 hours again last night. You'd think i'd be refreshed...but nope I am so tired. I slept 6 hours the night before, and 7 before that. I have lucid dreams so deep sleeps is no good for me...I hate sleep. My nightmares seem so real to me again.

I am now off into town to find something for my dad for fathers day, I miss him sometimes, just wish he didn't turn into such a knobhead.

I thought I saw Will Smith at the cash machines in Sheffield, but it was just a really tall man who looked a bit like him...thank lordy I didn't say hello...I did however say hello to the mayor who asked me where he could get a maccy d's from...I said maccy d's and walked off

I should comment on my friends blogs, but i read them and don't feel witty. So sorry guys...i do read though.

I just came home from my mental health review...I admitted the thought of lithium and other meds scares the shite out of me, and would like to try mood management, which now means i'm been referred to some other bastard, who i have to open back up to...i now regret not just taking the meds. They gave me 3 sleeping tablets, and I asked why only 3, give me 24 days worth, he said they are addictive...i mean what in the hell...how could anyone become addicted to sleeping...I hate sleeping. I hate my dreams when I sleep.

I'm still high, so they have referred me to this other person for extra support, as they feel i haven;t got much support close wise. I am quite high so i agreed to almost everything, because i don;t always give a crap. I also had my hair cut today, and told her if she cut more than she needed to off, i may scalp her. She found this funny, i wasn't joking

I took my daughter on her first ever double decker bus, she loved it...never again i felt so ill when we went down this hill...i wanted to die. Vertigo is bad with the hills in sheffield and a DD bus.

I think i overspent, so this high is making me skint/broke yet again...shit.

Regardless of the shit I just wrote about, I am in a good mood.

Some people are pretenders, a few are pleasers, a few are helpers, a few are leaders, and the others are lost.

I have had such a crazy month that I've come to see what people are like, even online. I have a big day ahead of me, and I can only count on 3 people. I missed my ex for the first time on saturday, because every year for the last 11 years, it's been us having a few drinks, and laughing at the crazy shit that is the Eurovision song contest. I realised although i never opened up about stuff, and i never told him about the things that made me happy, he was one of the few people that was a friend.

I keep getting the tremors more often now, I know I haven;t blogged about this, but i shake after sugar a lot, and recently tremors have started down my right hand side. I already have severe arthritis in both my wrists...some days i cant write, and typing takes the piss. Yeah funny how I have listened to people talk about pain, when secretly at times I wish I could cut my arms off, as the pain is so severe, and with the weather changing constantly, my wrists ache all the time. I also have it right knee, because of an old injury, same with my wrists. Plus i have the shortening of one bone which is painful on top.

Now for the happy stuff, Ive been fixing my house up, because I feel a change was needed. My dog has rationed her magnet intake lately, so maybe she prefers the cheap crap dog food. I have a job placement, but nothing permanant as the guy noticed in my interview how i was reacting, and asked my job agency if i had any medical issues, they admitted it was bi polar, and i found out he has the same thing, so he wants to help me out. I'm seeing him thursday.

I saw my old girlfriend, she confused me for a day or two, she's not as stunning as she once was...but I realised I am straight...thank god. Too much emotional BS with another woman.

On a lighter note, I am on virgin phone network, pay as you go, and they give you rewards, well over the last 3 years i've saved up £100, i got me a new sony ericsson...and i love it...been ages since I got anything new.

I end up in featured blogs

I have had a really weird weekend, I think that not sleeping played a part in this, my Australian friends is coming over In August, because my seemingly crazy mind has made him rather worried, he sent me cash again yesterday, which was nice. I miss my old friends, most have moved abroad..My other Aussie mate Joe just went back to Brisbane, so Sheffield is a quieter place for me.

I decorated my bathroom today, i thought it would look good in trhis crazy blue, it doesn't...so i may repaint it. I'm avaliable for hire

I'm liking the old groove armada tune supa stylin....damn it rocks.

I figured out how to use the surround sound on my stereo, after having it for 2 years...the wonders of technology eh?

I have to go on meds tuesday, I am worried it will change me... man that should be a good thing right? Erm...depends I suppose. I have got a liking for mint sauce and yorkshire puddings....my favourite comfort food ever!

My dog has polished off 28 magnets this week, so I changed her dog food....i'll let you know how that goes.

Long day, crappy weather, and I had my assessment letter. And it's only 4 30 pm

I decided a few people are mega aceholes, well done to those people

I cured my vertigo for all of 10 mins...progress.

I want to thank people who have commented, if I haven't replied it's nothing personal...i'll get around to it.

I don't feel like pouring my heart out as something I read made me think...plus i'm closed off at the moment...so well done to that writer ~claps~

My old chest freezer has been gathering water on my back garden for 4 months, my kid decided to show me the tadpoles living in there...she has a problem with bumping into things...even though they aren't in the way...so we ended up with taddy's all over the floor...that was amusing.

I must have fallen asleep at 5 am this morning....I do not recall tieing toilet around my living room like its trimmings at christmas....I do not remember drinking, I do not remember blogging, and I do not remember the lollypop incident....I do remember however having my Australian friend calling me, and me telling him how much I needed him to rescue me, from the hell I call life...only for him to laugh and say go to sleep....

I also don't remember making the 7 dozen chocolate chip cookies that are piled on my kitchen side...this has to be the most weirdest mania I have ever been on.

Shanna was late for school just now, she's got her exam at 10.15, her teacher bitched at me...and I have that glazed look again, so he asked me if I had any problems, so I said yes would you care for me to reel them off....he was implying whether or not I had a drug problem...how do you explain to some dumb people ~shrugs~

So I have had 3 hours sleep in roughly 2 and a half days, I am now about to paint my hallway, because I have so much energy I can't sit still.

I also took pictures last night on my phone, but it's not got blue tooth and i don't have the data cable, but I don't remember taking those either....I never knew fat girls could do such bending! I'm a supple mofo I know that for damn sure! From what I can see with these pictures I cured my vertigo for a while They aren't dirty I knew you were thinking they are...

On a lighter note I think I cleaned my house last night besides the toilet roll, my washing is neatly stacked and the dust that was on my tv, is no longer there. GO ME!

But i can't share it yet, it could be big news....but it's to do with my writing....and let's face it I can hardly hold down a full time job...seeing as i'm the resident smackhead...that was the assessment of the last job interviewer...

I tried to get rid of my fear of vertigo 3 times this week....it's not worked, I'm not attempting the scared of the dark one...I already wasted 4 batteries as i think i see stuff in the dark...The bump on my head is now down to a mound and no longer a mountain...thank you for all of your concern...

I haven't spoken to Paul since I farted at his house, just so we are clear!

I wish I could cheer NotBob up....I wish I could have a hug off Milly, I wish C (first) was over in England as I need his sarcasm. I wish Kari was over here too....I wish a lot, but I wish my daughter good luck for her SAT's. She really bright and has been getting year 6 grades, and she's only year 5

I'm in a good mood still and its been 49 hours since i slept, i am not worried, because I think I maybe hallucinating and really am sleeping.

I keep sucking my thumb, so I think I must be content....

I have been speaking to my friend today, who has decided for the 8th time this year he will quit smoking... He hasn't lasted more than 3 days....this was his new years resolution...he goes all nuts when he doesn't get his nicotene, and he had on 6 patches earlier...wonder if he is overdosing?

This brings me to suntans, I saw a lady today that looked like she'd been tangoed...i see people with lovely tans, ones that are real, and some that are "assisted". I have what you call the "English Rose" complextion...Or as my mates call it, "death warmed up" complextion. I never tan, my bodys way of trying is to make me get more freckles. I go red then back to white, but to be honest I never really had the patience to sit in the sun for more than 30 mins anyway. It used to bother me that I looked like I was a vampire/goth/freak. But I got to thinking at Christmas I should embrace this pale skin and New Years Eve I made my resolution....never to wear fake tan or attempt to burn myself to own one. Now going back to tango lady, She didn't look happy with herself, she had a lovely figure, nice nails, nice teeth and bright glowing tan, yet she had a sadness about her. I smiled at her...now bearing in mind I look like a pychopath when I smile...she actually smiled back. She said Hello..I said hey, going on your hols? She said no, she just wanted to cheer herself up....I said oh...what could i say...well look love, ya tan looks like it's belongs on the traffic lights of amber....I wanted to leave after a while as she was lighting up a cigerette and blew it into my face...im sure it was an accident, but it made me get bad thoughts anyway. My bus came shortly after, and I think the bus driver put on his sunglasses to serve her, because he took them off just after.

That was a trippy few mins, but I'm definetly not having fake tan, as close up it looks streaky to me. I'd look a complete divvy with a tan anyway. But I can safely say I have kept all my New year resolutions, the other two wear to keep eating lollipops, and to change my knickers everyday, I knew i would keep those ones

Just a question...If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday?

I have been on this high for 2 days....it is wonderful, I already managed to get a lump on my head, spill sprite down my jeans where it looked like i'd peed myself, rode a trial bike downhill...had the big sex talk with my 10 yr old...and told her that storks bring babies, and she then gave me the sex ed class....shame on me. Confused my neighbour into thinking I'm really a man, made a lewd suggestion to a shy nerd...painted my hallway a nice shade of green, which i hate, so painting it back to cream later. And found out my best friend is having a baby, and now she's having an abortion...because she sleeps around behind her blokes back...which has resulted in me been rather honest and calling her a tart. She is bi sexual to add on top of that

I'm very happy, just wish people would stop mind games....but at the moment it's washing over me....I have a huge life problem, that i can't be arsed to blog about....so yep that's my day up to now....I'm getting through 12 lollypops a day, i think this addiction may become a problem in later weeks. Its the only sugar i can have without the shakes.

Oh and I have only farted in private lately so pfft!

Who needs drugs when you have bipolar...it's wonderful

I will track you down....I already have a feeling I know who it was ....I'm also turning pro....I mean for my blog

I must wish a very Happy Birthday to one of my favourite all time Bloggers BoredRich!! Hope you have a fantastic day ~huge hugs~

To C who regulary guest stars and comments....LMAO You are nuts my friend....bloody nuts!

Ok today I have been up up and away, I was supposed to tell you about something stupid I did, but I forgot the whole thing....because I banged my head. I'm ok, the Doc's just said I have slight concussion...no shit! I now can't sleep all day...I did point out I am on a high so sleeping is not high on my list of stuff to do...so they tried referring me to the other doc...she scares the crap out of me...Cruella DeVil is who I'm sure she models herself on. I sometimes want to say to her "Darlhhhhlinnnn" Like Cruella does...meh if you have no idea what i'm waffling about then I can;t help you

Oh yeah I banged my head after trying to conqure my vertigo problem....don't ask.

Other news is that today I'm supposed to be fully ready for a job, yet the last interview I went to believed I was a junkie....so i took that little report into the job centre today, and said you find me a job that likes my disorders and I'll kiss your arse for a year. She wasn't impressed...wonder why? Maybe she didn't like my lipgloss...then again her customer service skills didnt impress me either, so I told her so...4 times.

I love life at the moment, it's absolutely crap, yet i can smile...

but now I'm not as shy....MILLY you need to come see me....i'll be chatty as heck now!

Oh and my dog has eaten 4 magnets today....that's a record for her

Also I think I fixed my microwave problem, if i bash it with the hammer, the food cooks evenly sometimes.

Thanks to notbob, I have been giggling now for 2 hours....I can't sleep as I begin to giggle...so as well as a fartarse, I am a gigglearse

It could just be the copious amount of sugar I have digested...

Ok, I have to blog this....because it's a big deal...I went to see my mate Paul today, he's got an xbox 360 and I like to play various games....well today we were doing a word game during our fifa game of soccer, he said probe and i laughed a lot....I laughed so much I farted loudly and it dragged on. Then ~silence~

Paul cracked up laughing so much I thought he'd have a coronary right there in the living room....I have only ever farted in front of family members, but even then always felt outdone by my sister....who does whoppers. I am shy in that sense and believe it's unladylike...unlike my mum...who farts on command. So while he was laughing I just said have a nice day, and walked devestated home...18 texts messages later, it's gone around our group of friends like wildfire, as I needed to get some bread, I donned my hat and hid in disguise up to the shop. I saw Sarah, who shouted Carlaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...you fartarse! I gave her my one fingered salute...she pissed herself laughing....Am I over reacting? Is farting the way forward? Should I take a leaf out of my mum, sisters and daughters book and just fart all the time....Should i just embrace farting in public.....?

maybe I'm just old fashioned...maybe I just do smelly ones who knows...I am ashamed of myself...

We have a huge american fridge.....my daughter has over 500 magnets....My dog loves chewy little plastic bits...she's just been snacking on a number 8 ...yet again! So now the numbers all have chew marks in them, my fridge is due a wipe down thursday...this fills me with dread...it takes 45 mins just to take the damn magnets off!

I'm no good with the laptop built in cam..so this will have to make do to give you an idea of the task ahead of me

I'm in a good mood, and I think I have found the perfect drink...yummy!

I am happy today, I have hardly slept...I am beginning a new high...woo woo!! Means this blog won't be a depressed mess. Sun is shining,I am still freezing, and I decided I don't like someone, as he makes people feel like crap...

I'm about to do something rather stupid, but it means I get my thrills for todays high...

Things that make me happy...

1. my ipod touch
2. Shanna
3. Cheech
4. Kasabian
5. My book of writing
6. Little Mermaid (don;t ask)
7. Nintendo DS
8. Harvest Moon
9. My shih tzu
10. Baked Alaska Ben and Jerrys (one spoonful and im out for the count)

Songs I am listening to at the moment

1 Disturbed - Down With The Sickness
2 Kasabian - Stay away From The Brown Acid
3 Floetry - If I was A Bird
4 Paramore - Thats What You Get
5 Puddle Of Mudd - Never Change
6 Black Label Society - Killing Time
7 Rage Against The Machine - Bullet in the Head
8 Seether - Driven Under
9 Seether - Walk Away From The Sun
10 Smashing Pumpkins - Farewell and Goodnight

Ways to piss me off

1. Bullshit me
2. smell of lavendar
3. play with my mind/head/heart
4. leave the toilet seat up
5. pressure me
6. constantly snore
7. beep your car horn late at night
8. never call me back (my mother )
9. play crap music
10. ask me what's wrong constantly

I am bored...so did this top ten list stuff.......I had an interesting day, nothing I want to blog about because it's personal...I don't feel like showing more faults of mine. I am in a good mood, and things are looking up now, someone made that worthwhile. Maybe I'm just going into a bipolar high? I hope so, they my favs

I was in the city centre today, and I saw someone I have not seen since I was 16. He used to work for rock steady, as security...last time I saw him he was a hulk of a man. Today he's more toned and not as big, but still someone you wouldn't fuck around with, he knew my friends I grew up with, and my first long term boyfriend Simon. He would often get us into clubs and parties for free, a lot of the time guest list entry only. One weekend I was supposed to be working, but stayed at my friend Sam's house...we decided to see what everyone was up to, and to see if Mikey was working for anyone famous. Simon called him up and he got us into a party in manchester. Sam's dad dropped us all off, and I told my mum I was staying at her house for the night....I often did stay at sam's, but i never told my mum where we were off to.

At this party a lot of americans were there, no one I knew, but apparently famous...~shrugs shoulders~ Unbeknown to me I met Faith Evans, I thought she was nice and she introduced me to her man, he was a huge dude, and I asked him about his chains, he bellowed out laughing. He had a lot of big guys around him, but i knew he was someone special. I asked him his name and he said Christopher, and i told him i was Carla. After a few drinks, bearing in mind i was only just 16, I went onto water, and he asked me why. So i explained I look older than I am, and would rather have my wits about me in a strange place. My boyfriend at the time Simon was at the bar as usual. I listened to these people chat all night. I never realised what rap royalty I had the priviledge to sit with, because no other white person was sat there. I never batted an eyelid actually, as I have been brought up with all walks of life. Faith kept on making me feel very welcome, so I asked her why did she approach me, and her answer was this "You looked so radiant and sweet, that I wanted to say hello."

See looking back I think wow, she wanted to talk to me!!! If only I knew about american music more back then. The Chris guy and I got talking about weight issues, something that for some reason made the others uncomfy, and I am rather blunt, and me at the time was chubby, so he smiled and said no one had ever dared ask him about his weight....so i said is this where I get my arse kicked? He laughed so loud that I almost shit myself. He told me about his isssues and it became apparent he was just like me....lonely. The people around him were bullshitters, hangers on...they said what he wanted to hear, but thing is....he needed the truth. He had a lot of charisma, and when his massive mobile rung, he told this small guy to tell the people he's busy....something that shocked most of his crew. I got up to use the toilet, and the whole place stood up...Faith smiled and said I had gained the respect of everyone...at 16 this was all new to me...and i was like...bugger I hope they don't want to watch me piss.

I came back and had a big glass of orange juice and raspberries waiting...he had picked up on the fact I had added raspberries to my drink...that was cool. Faith and I chatted about her kids, and how she was hoping to make more music. Simon had someone fetch me, and Sam had been having fun elsewhere, so it was time for me to go. Chris said something to me and I never listened to his advice until today when I saw Mikey again... Chris said " Stay far from timid,Only make moves when your heart's in it, and live the phrase the Sky's The Limit" He then turned to a guy and said write that down, i'll use that for a hook. He then said to me, you have a beautiful soul, your eyes are that soul, don't let anyone bring you down Carla, because you were made for great things, you just have to believe in you.

His words have been ingrained on my mind for a long long time, I only now truly understand what he was telling me, and life is too short to be fucking it up. So from now on I will grab what I have with both hands and try not to let my disorders win.

I never saw these people again, they made an impression on my life, but I never appreciated what until recently. I have met lots of people, but none like Chris. He was shot 11 months later.

Hey First did you a little poem on the forum for you...because you got me through a crappy week...there's no drama with you...except the time you had a mid life crisis! Thanks for been my friend dude, thanks for understanding my moods, or when I don't want to talk, or when I decide to drink myself into oblivion and you pick me back up. You are what a true friend is, and I am always going to be grateful to my mum for letting me join her forum...so yep, thats my mushy mood for this week...but I know you've been depressed and thought you needed telling how great you are...and that I do appreciate everything. I know you love me for me, and never try changing me...a true friend yet again. I love you (friends wise for people who seem confused)

Oh and thanks for all the goodies you sent, I'm running out of lucky charms, but I still never had a friend who would do that until I met you. Thanks First ( i won't say your real name )

P.s I had a think about the issues we both have....we are nuts...we know it right? so fuck the world and continue to be nuts! At least you're not as anti social...god what have I done to you?

Just got back from my meeting with Big sister Milly.....how was it? well after what seemed a lifetime of getting to Crystal Peaks...I walked up from the tram, and saw a familiar face stood waiting, I was in two minds to either play it cool, and just shake her hand, or to hug her, for some reason I went against all my views and hugged her! I only hug people I feel really comfy with. After that we walked to the coffee shop I sort of remembered in that place...We chatted for a while...well Milly did, she talks more than me, and I need that. She doesn't force me to be open, she let me say what I needed and made me feel at ease. I was sort of in awe of her most of the time we had together. I didn't dare tell her that, she might have hit me upside the head!

You might wonder why I was in awe of her...I don't get to meet too many blunt, honest and open people...she is one of the few that no matter what you say, never makes you feel or look a twat.
I opened up about some personal things I don't blog about...and she even confirmed what I thought. Which was nice to hear from someone else away from the whole situation. We look around the shops, and came across one...now been chubby lasses...we seem to have the same conclusions on fashion! We saw some fucked up tops...and I mean shit you wouldn't even dress you chubby insane Gran in...Evans was the worst...frumpy clothes for fat people..because nothing says it all like frumpy! So the idea of MillyBerry Fashions was born.... Who knows where this will lead...but the thought and idea of it has whirred in my mind all afternoon and I have been drawing clothes She inspires me loads!
We had a walk around the whole shopping centre, and when it was time to go, I felt I was saying goodbye to someone I feel close to already...the things we have been through, the habits we have, it is like we are sisters. Milly often says the things I am thinking, but never say outloud, only when I write. The internet is a strange place, and in this strange place I have found a kindred spirit, someone who really does understand my feelings and gives me advice, whether its brutally honest or comfort.
I keep looking at the drill and thinking Milly needs to teach me how to use it I could give you the whole convo, or make this a hell of a lot more comical, because we laughed loads! But I am so happy and relaxed, that instead I said it as it was.

Ok I'm no drunk, and I rarely drink. I begun drinking at 1 am this morning...why the devil for? I don't know I remember all my conversations, because I ended up been rather blunt! Having no stomach acid, with spirits I might as well have a UV line inserted into my vain instead

I am still swaying, and feel light headed, I am meeting Milly today, so I have to buck up myself and stop giggling! I'm really excited!! I figured that i am my own person, I cannot do DIY, I am bad around superglue, duct tape, microwaves and people who smell of wee. I can only work sky plus, due to my ex and daughter giving me extensive lessons on using the coloured buttons. I was once a whizz at computer games, only to be surpassed by my 10 year old at mario kart....this my fellow bloggers has dinted my bloody ego! I can't get better than 7th place....~shuffles feet and looks ashamed~ I also decided during my drunken haze I am nice, and if people don't want that or like that then tough!

Can someone give me tips on using a drill, or better still come do some DIY for me? Also just say you were only 5ft 4...and you somehow climbed the old step ladders you have, and put your favourite bra around the light thing to dry...no idea why that would enter anyones head...but in theory if this happened...Do you send your kid up the ladders to get it, or you with your vertigo get it? Not that THIS has happened, I'm talking hypothetically....Honest

My ex said to me 4 months ago, I know you hate pop crap, but listen to Impossible by Christina Aguilera...now this guy isn't creative, but he knew it's the only way he could ever get through to me..I just listened to it, and thought uh oh....

I've decided to let go of the crappy feelings and just stick to been nuts but funny...seems to work best don't ya think?

The woman annoys me but the lyrics mean a lot in loads of ways...shame I didn't listen to the poor fucker huh? I'm glad i'm impossible to love, makes life so so much easier

Impossible

t's impossible
It's impossible to love you
If you don't let me know what you're feeling
It's impossible for me to give you what you need
If you're always hidin' from me

I don't know what hurt you
I just, I wanna make it right
Cos boy I'm sick and tired of trying to read your mind

It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you
It's the way it is
It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible
If you makin' it this way

Impossible to make it easy
If you always tryin' to make it so damn hard
How can I, how can I give you all my love, baby
If you're always, always puttin' up your guard

This is not a circus
Don't you play me for a clown
How long can emotions keep on goin' up and down

It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you
It's the way it is
It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible
If you keep treating me this way
Over, over (over and over)

Impossible baby (impossible, impossible)
If you makin' it this way, this way
Oh baby, it's impossible
If you makin' it this way

For the last 2 hours I have been lost on public transport..through choice I have realised that after living in Sheffield for most of my life..I have only ever used certain bus routes, and where I live I only use the tram or 51 service...yet at the top of my road there's another 3 services....so the daring bugger in me decided to change my view on stuff and venture onto one of these buses...I text milly back after we were arranging tomorrow, only to look up and have bloody idea where the heck I was..instead of panicking I giggled...my first giggle since yesterday....My sense of adventure had kicked in and I felt free...until this old biddy got on and decided that her 6 carrier bags needed to hit me on the boob!! They are rather sensitive at the moment ~coughs~ Ladies you know how that goes...So with my aching tit I moved seats and blew a raspberry...much to the amusement of 2 guys. Shanna was hiding her laughs...The old woman then called me rude and said I should set a better example to my younger sister I stayed quiet and smiled, as unbeknown to her she just paid me the nicest compliment I have received today....so when we finally reached the city centre...with great relief I thanked the lady for hurting my knocker ( i actually said that ) and that me and my daughter apologise for our silly behaviour, but sometimes you have to "let loose"...she said she was suprised Shanna was my daughter, to the agreement of half the bus So I feel really big headed right now...

I want to just say to Raphael if you ever read this....It's not easier and I got a mega headache over stuff. And I miss the music.

Also I attempted to try and fix a shelf up...if I put none round things on it they roll off, they stick if i add blu tack, is it ok to glue and tape the brackets? Just wondering...not that i have...because I didn't drill the holes too big for the screw...~shakes head in denile~

Got a fact for you, as a child I was classed as gifted and had the chance to go to a private school, my parents thought it would be better leaving me where I was...I had intelligence beyond my years...wonder what the heck happened?

The Back of You

Your bitter words have left me broken
The way they made me feel wide open,
I tried to tell you the way things are
Instead you opened up the deep deep scar

We fight and argue but still want more
The intrigued and lust was/is the allure
You cut me deep the worst i’ve had
I feel no joy and i’m hurting bad

I’m selfish, needy and wanted it all
This is and was my biggest downfall
You pushed and pushed and I resist
But you never knew you were truly missed

If you saw my tears you’d understand
I needed you to take my hand
I’m hard to love and loved too hard
My heart is like a broken glass shard

I lost you tonight and feel it raw
I cannot give you me anymore
I wish you wanted me to stay
Instead I’ll watch as you fade away.

By Berry 17th May 2008

It's not the best, but i had to get my words out, and here it is.

I've jostled with the thought of a complete image change...but after seeing some of the fashion around...i'll stick to my normal attire. It might just be that I live in a student city...but seeing 3 dudes in one day wearing a skirt, is quite the culture shock. Ok one was asian, but thats not the point. Sometimes I look at my neighbours and wonder what the heck are they wearing, like one she wears her pyjamas most of the week, and walks around in them, and she's actually sane....the pit of her insanity though was the pink teddybear ones...I thought shit, she needs a friend. I chatted to her wednesday, and realised shit now i see why you got no friends....I have no real friends because I'm an anti social bastard, and I kind of like the existence I have..i fly under the radar often...then POW!! I steal your oreo's!!! Muah muah muah....ok ok I am now talking crap, but you get my drift right? The neighbour in question went on about her drug problem and I did not know what to say to her...except...do you know any good dealers then? Yep I said that with a dead serious face too...she looked a bit shocked...I said it's just incase I decide the champagne supernova option is the way forward for me...this is the way i want to die in my old age though....

Ok, so i just paused for 28 mins, as I was making tea (dinner to non brits) I had a small plates worth of food, I eat less than a kid...but I'm a fat get, so I got fat to burn. And how the hell in this bloody world did westlife get on my itunes...seriously frickin westshite!! After some investigation i found out it was on one of shanna's old cd's...phew...thought in one of my high moods I'd turned into some boyband groupie.

I think my nightmares of giant pink teddybears and oreo's might calm down now ive talked about them.

Today has been a really up and down day, I'm already tired, and its only 2.25 pm.....well as i write this is it. I started writing a chapter to my book thingy...i call it that as I have no idea if it's about my life, or just shit I have written based on my life...up to know it's about my life. But I tend to wonder off subject often....(I try to deny I do this )

Got a call from school...I thought shit, Shannas finally blown a gasket and kicked off, but no her yoghurt had exploded in her lunch box...so I sorted that out, and then had half her friends hugging me...goddamn...it's hard to tell young kids to not to touch you...so I feel odd now. My friends girlfriend is all huggy huggy too...I had to tell her to get off me...she looked shocked..I hug few people, and the ones i do hug mean a lot to me.

I have been doing a comical thing lately...because i am from up north (oop north) We shorten our words a lot...one been couldn't...it turns into cunt...so we say i cunt do it...this amuses me, due to the fact I can slip in that word and been from yorkshire no one bats an eyelid. Now if you actually use the word as intended, you get a different reaction...mostly disgust or shocked...makes me chuckle.

I figured out how to keep my curtain poles up for good, duck tape and superglue...although a word of warning, with superglue make sure you don't cut the top too much...or else if it goes on your hand and if you hold onto the wall...the wall somehow becomes part of you...~coughs~ not that this happened to me ~shuffles feet~

I want a recipe for carrot and corriander soup, but it has to be nice....I like making stuff, and this is my two favourite things at the moment....although i can;t stand raw carrot...hurts my tummy when i eat it raw. Same as apples...how i miss those

On a much lighter note, I can now work my stereo...it just needed plugging in.

I've been reading some of my posts, and realised some days I sounded so out of control...yesterday was one of those days. I let things bother me, I try to resist things, but when I can't I get the ultimate frustration. It's not helped by factors surrounding my life, or other peoples. I can change who I am, but I question who I am daily, so I'm screwed in a way. I haven't got anyone who totally understands, but i do know someone who gets me...that is scary in a way. Because very few people get one another....it's a shame I just fuck that friendship up constantly.

I have no idea how to trust people, how to want them for keeps, or even how to let them see me. I tried doing that with someone and I get a jealousy streak...so maybe I need a guy who likes that shit?

I can't sleep I keep trying but I feel restless, I watched Shanna for a good half hour, she looks so peaceful, I dread to think the shite she will endure when she's older. I worry she will have the bipolar too, she shows signs of it, but no one ever knows until they are adults.

I am totally frustrated.....in all ways, and I have no idea how to release the frustration...only know 2 ways....

just don't blog pissed off, happy, giddy, moody etc....I'll take the advice given...infact i'll turn boring....Milly nice to hear you...and yep yep you were right I got a plan for this blog now...should be interesting

~edited because 12 people think its to them...ffs~

I'm vaguely in the mood for anyone, maybe one or two people...depends, my new appointment is now the 27th of May, they brought it forward 2 weeks...no idea why, I'm worried as I have less than 2 weeks to be all open again...fuck fuck fuck...takes me 3 at least. I also have to make a choice on medication. Whoopee doo. Can you sense my sarcasm today? It's oozing out of me...

I paid virgin again today, do these fucks ever keep me on...sheesh. I'm constantly cold, wearing jumpers and people ask me if i'm warm...so been fat automatically makes me feel the sun? FFS!I actually have my heating on...thats how fooking cold I am.

Oh and today I got a bit depressed so I ate a flake, and loads of doritos...i don't feel guilty either. I had the shakes after the flake, but i didn't care.

Im now in a better mood, and about to play mario kart, where I can dominate....go me.

This song is lovely and has meaning for me

If I was A Bird by Floetry

[INTRO (Talking)]
Sometimes blindness finds me
and leads me through ignorance
not allowing us to gain experience
so we become lifeless
At other times I cover with
self pity or work aimlessly through reality so
Occasionally I choose to travel alone
but never fulfil my possibility so
mostly I attempt to achieve balance
by seeking right knowledge of loving
and reviewing and eventually overstanding those
many lessons of my life

[VERSE 1]
You got me caught in a stormy eye world of dreams
and I beg to see truth and promises you made to me
now we’ve come so far but my visions of happiness
with you in my life I’m afraid and confused
If I was a bird I’d fly

[CHORUS]
If I was a bird I’d fly away
spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain

If I was a bird I’d fly away
spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain

[VERSE 2]
Now why do I feel so alone
knowing I know I have you
and what made you turn around on me
what did I do
and when did love feel this way
so much pain and misery
where’s the you I once knew
and could ya fly with me

[REPEAT CHORUS (x2)]

Now I can’t stay
you won’t need me
set me free and let me fly
oh fly with me
fly with me me
fly with me yeah
fly oh fly fly

[REPEAT CHORUS (x2)]

Fly away
(music)
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash the pain
(music)
Fly away

Well seeing as I am in this kind of mood I might as well blog this crap in my head. I confuse people sometimes, ok about me been closed off...this means in person I would never tell you any of the shit in my blog, if i want my neighbours to drop dead you;d never know, if I was angry at how my "friends" have treated me...you'd not know. I write...I think I was a born writer, as here I can spill my damn guts....but do i? In some ways yes, but you only get a fraction on my day, or my mood. Like yesterday, I haven't told you the full extent of my illness, or how the psychaitrist is concerned at my lack of anger...I let a skinny 5ft 7ins guy try to throttle me...yet all i could do was feel guilty...thats fucked up right? Most people express anger in different ways, they shout, bitch, hit out or take drugs etc...the list is long but you get my drift...I used to cut myself to release anger...and before you judge me...I hid it that well, my family never knew i did it for years...I'm not an attention seeker either. I have bottled up enough stuff that my doctor called me today and has made me have an appointment...here your doc doesn't do that...your supposed to call them. She said has it sunk in etc, I said I don't know, it's bothered me because I have all the traits that are described to do with both bi polar and bpd, yet I wish it wasn't true.
Yesterday the psychaitrist didn't know how i supressed such strong emotions, because he said most people by now have released at least a part of it. I said I have i think, but they don't buy it. He said that none of his other patients are the same as me, he said he doesn;t know how i have survived this long the way I have....it seems normal to me? i actually said to him don't be a divvy, you just have to get on with it...because no ones there to help me when i stumble, just me.

This statement made him think im detached from most people...well i'm lying, a few things i said made him think that the fact i cut my family off easily, and how even though I DID love my nan and was seriously close to her, I cut her off that easy she's dead to me. I saw her a while ago and felt nothing, no love or hate, like she was a stranger..i've seen men like me, mostly hardened men with drug habits or drunks...but never realised I was like this, I wasn't aware of my lack of personal relationships. Infact i wasn't aware of much, I just got by...and my mum got me thinking...am i close to my kid? She thinks I'm not, so now I'm stressing out...that i'm a crap mum. I only ever want to be a good mum.

Im too tired to type anymore. But I'm starting the book my mum told me to write, she thinks it will help...I think she is right...and thanks mum...you did help yesterday xx

That there is the hand written diagnosis I was given today, the one i was dreading, the one thing I hoped for the last 3 years wasn't true...I will get an official letter by the end of the week confirming that I infact have Bipolar Affective Disorcer and Borderline Personality Disorder I'm unsure what to think, what to say to you all or even what to do...He said I have abandonment issues, I close people off, and that I don't like starting up any kind of relationships due to my walls. He said I may try, but I back off. There was a lot more said, and I really don't want to share it...as it's mainly me hating been rejected and stuff..I knew I was closed off, my family will tell you that...but I never had someone who knew their shit tell me...and it's hit me really hard...like the truth has slapped me 4 times in the teeth.

I'm fucking done talking, seriously, I can't keep been so open here, a few of you understand, a few try to, and the rest don't give a shit...I have no idea where I'm going from here...and you know what...I;m scared of doing this alone...really bloody scared. But I can never ask anyone along for the journey...because I don't let anyone close enough...hence why the psychaitrist has said that even though I was with my ex for 11 years, it;s why he never knew me...because I am secretive and evasive...he said I don't really know who i am myself, because I have different elements of my personality that come out. And I don't know which one I really am.

I'm now done talking about this. I need to somehow not fuck myself up on drink and push this anger and pain down...because apparently this is how i have coped since i was 9. Nice.

Mexican Word of the day...(easy say it in the mexican accent)

"Harrassment"

My lady caught me with another girl and I said, harrassment nuthin to me.

I wanted to blog last night, then this morning and then this afternoon...only what I want to say in words wouldn't come out...I wanted to tell you about my day out, and my night...but I felt I couldn't open up here. I thought I found in someone I could confide in, and sometimes it seems appropiate, but something doesn't feel right and I can't put my finger on it....I think it's me. I am really worried about my assessment tomorrow, because this is the final stage to my whole process with bi polar, I have held this off for 3 years. I'm scared....The one person who I was quite close to is now my enemy...my ex. He was a controlling cunt, but there were good times to be honest, and I was thinking over the good times, but they can't outweigh the bad, and the fact I stayed just because....I could have gone back so many times, but i'd have been lying to both of us, and it never changed, he never changed. Yet I miss the times I want to be just me...when I could go all day with no make up on and still be told i'm pretty, or to be scared and have that cuddle that said look i'm here. He was my bestest friend to be honest...and thats the part I miss, not the love, but the fact he was like a buddy, for the last 5 years it was like 2 people who were friends. But I wasn't really allowed other friends. So I'm going to an important appointment, on my own...My family are miles away, my bi friend is working....I'll get through it as I always do...but I have no fucking idea how I cope. The doctor doesn't either. Fucked if I care right now.

I want to get really drunk again, I downed 8 shots of bacardi at 2 am this morning, I slept really good...I don't remember any nightmares and I had no hangover. I'm lucky, I never get them, I can be fine the next day...my secret is one slice of toast and milk. Then orange juice in the morning.
I think though I am been way too open and not as closed off anymore, dangerous I think because I am really naive at times, and I do learn from my mistakes...but I normally have to learn a pretty hard lesson to do so.

In all honesty I am at a confusing time in my life, I'm so confused on what I want that the edges are blurry and people confuse that all the more...and I need stability. It's why I'm finding it hard to pour my real feelings here.
It comforts me knowing other people feel like I do, or have elements of the same emotional crap going on. I don;t feel so alone, because what none of you realise is, the people I call friends, aren't around that often, I am a mum with no babysitter, no one who I trust with my kid, and they don't want to sit in. I don't really know anyone my age with a 10 yr old, and the ones I know with kids, are different to me...they don't like looking good, always down and i end up soaking up their problems too.

As for my day out, it was great, met up with everyone and there was about 42 of us, I had pics taken, and i felt ok about it, might put some up. Was a nice sunny day...but I think I'm a freak...I'm still wearing jumpers and finding it not that hot, and I'm not really sweating either....

I think I was in a philosophical mood last night, I'm sure I was sober... I'm not even that depressed....oh well, got a day out today, catching the tram at 12 30, then it's time away from here( my house ). ~feels relieved~

Zak is amazing, his voice haunts me, but he speaks the truth.

Black Label Society

Just Killing Time

I sit reflecting
I feel the end has begun
It seems my days now mirror the setting sun
So many places that I have been
This ride that was long seems so short in terms of now and then

For All that has been
And All that is
All that's to be
Lord, I'm just killing time
And time's killing me

Dead man breathing, just taking up space
Calloused and weathered like the lines on one's face
Dead man breathing, my conscience is bare
The lining of my soul is torn yet I no longer care

For All that has been
And All that is
All that's to be
Lord, I'm just killing time
And time's killing me

Drowning Pool

"37 Stitches"

Do you see me, sitting here?
I'm waiting for you to say anything
Head hung low, kicking stones down
Kicking stones down the road to hell now
I'm waiting for you to say anything, anything yeah

I know you are the only one, my little taste of heaven
And you know I am the only one, your bitter taste of hell
Your eyes scream the end is creeping end
I'll need thirty-seven stitches, to keep the pain in
I know you are the only one, on the darkest side of the sun

Ooh yeah

Followed the piper's sweet whistling
Guided down the path by the wrong hand
Close my eyes for the chance of a better view
Plug my ears so I couldn't hear you

And I know you are the one
And you know I am the one
Your bitter taste of hell

I know you are the only one, a little taste of heaven
And you know I am the only one, your bitter taste of hell
Your eyes scream the end is creeping end
I'll need thirty-seven stitches, to keep the pain in
I know you are the only one, on the darkest side of the sun

Do you see me sitting here?
Still waiting for you to say anything
Head hung low kicking stones down
Kicking stones down the road to hell now
I'm waiting for you, i'm waiting for you, just say anything yeah

I know you are the only one, a little taste of heaven
And you know I am the only one, your bitter taste of hell
Your eyes scream the end is creeping end
I'll need thirty-seven stitches, thirty-seven stitches, yeah
I know you are the only one, on the darkest side of the sun
I know, I know (the darkest side of the sun)
You are the one. . . on the darkest side of the sun

Ok after a day of thinking, I came to the conclusion, that I didn't see things too clearly yesterday. I;m not seeing them too clearly now, but that's not a big issue. My issue is this...What I have written here about, my ex knows I write this...he doesn't know the addy as luckily he's rather dimwitted with computers. But he once read it a few times, and I figured he still did.
So I got this to worry about, I got the bail papers this morning, and then got a solicitor about it all. He's called my mum about some tickets he got for me as a suprise...I have refused them. I'm overly confused at how i'm meant to feel...I spent 11 years with someone who barely knew me...he never fully got me...he just wanted me to be the way he thought i should be. Yet I miss part of him...it's a small part I miss...I feel utterly lonely inside and outside, I am relieved he's gone, I'm just not used to the new found freedom. How do i embrace that? How do I stop existing and actually living?

I don't know how to let pain go, I don;t know how to stop turning my pain on myself....I am resisting the urges to self medicate constantly. My daughter is what stops me giving up...I feel like i'm staring down the barrel of a 45, and just stuck as to what path to go on.

On a lighter note I played footy today, my weight loss is making me fitter.

someone brought this to my attention, i feel this way sometimes

Shinedown 45

Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd
In these times of doing what you're told
You keep these feelings, no one knows
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight

What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

[CHORUS]

Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe
I believe

[CHORUS]

I'm leaving i'm done opening up

not a great afternoon, i just found out my friend lost her baby, and someone just let me down big time...(i overreacted) Yep yep, I must stop trying to be a different person. I must stay like I am...that you're so disappointed in everyone and everything, when they do something nice, good or spectacular you are rather stunned and smile.

I just wrote for a company who like my poems, i'm nervous that they won't like what I've written and I can't publish it until they've seen it...sucks!

I'm a no hoper though..a sad fact but true.

Berry Fact....I love banana and peanut butter on crackers

But you know what...I'm still smiling because i'm rather high on pills...

First off I slept nearly 5 hours again..this is odd for the 2nd time, and its only been a recent occurance....somethings clicked into place this week, and I can't fathom if it's a good thing or not.

I find I am a strong person, but I know I have to have someone more stronger than me, a bit protective...now finding a balance is harder than you think, yet you meet someone and you think they have what you think you need. Is it real or are you just seeing what you want to see? I overthink everything, and I have to have someone that understands how complex i am. You have to reel me in, show me that it's ok to think that stuff, as long as you talk it through. People say yeah everyones complex etc, but I'm not your normal average person, arrogant that sounds right? To me no, I just know I am a deep thinker, and to most people that's either a challenge or i'm too emotional.

Now after reading that you probably think i'm on some depression trip...infact quite the opposite, you can meet someone and they are like you in lots of ways, yet you can be opposites in others. If they have trust issues same as you, can it ever work? it goes either way i suppose, you either become solid, or you both build a wall. I build walls, yet he breaks through them...this worries me, because he does something no one else does. Can I fully trust him? I don't know.

I'm in a good mood today, it's sunny again, I'm broke as fuck, I have £3 to last me til next week.... I should set up a Save Berry fund...

I'm singing lots today...my daughter raised an eyebrow at 8 15 and said mum...you been happy is really sick....I looked at her and said...shit fill me in if that's good or bad...she said it's good... so i checked with my sister, who confirmed it's all good.

Sometimes I now wonder what I would do without you in my life...I can't walk away.

And thanks to "you" I'm blushing and it's all over me!

We all make mistakes right? I think this week I made a few, today I made a huge one. I opened up way too much, and with my trust issues this is a lethal combination. I have no idea if I can trust anyone ever 100%...I have also gone all confused on what i'm suppose to feel, whats different about one person that can make you be just about "normal" and feel comfy....It's bugging me, and I hate feeling so open. Why can one person make you feel just right....it's pissing me off and I want to be closed and shut off.

I might take time away from been online and this blog, to get my head around this.

I'm bored of writing about my shite, so today I thought I'd take my time in preparing a piece of writing for you to read.....

Only I forgot to save it and it deleted...so that ideas out of the window...ok what next...Ah yes, my microwave problem....ok I'm no chef right, but I can cook a decent meal, on the cooker (oven, stove, firepit to non brits) Only my microwave would tell you different, it burns the edges and i have to stop it to stir stuff..not unless its a solid, u get a hot outside and cold middle...pisses me off...so I investigated why....here's what i did.

I got out the toolbox from the cupboard, and eyed all the screwdrivers etc...I brought the microwave into the living room to my table....and unscrewed it...now bear in mind I can't fix things for shit...and I just had a really bizarre few days, and I'm mixing two types of meds(pharmys) so i moved a few wires, pretended I had a clue what was what, then screwed it all back together....The result is now only half of the food been cooked...progress I thought

I came to the conclusion I cannot fix electricals, and I can only do DIY with the silver duck/duct tape shit. I'm quite the catch

I often get messages about my blog, in different places I venture to, which is 2 places, and people read this I never thought would....Some of my avatars and pictures on this blog are courtesy of people taking time to find stuff that reminds them of me, that is really nice and gives me a boost...I am grateful to some of you.

I have a list of things that if I say means I'm not happy with you... makes me chuckle actually how the little things someone says or does effects me...I hate ignorance, and when I feel like i'm ignored...then thats what you get in return...

1* If I say K meaning ok...it means im pissy at you
2* I'm fine...means no im not fine you twat
3* Fine means do what you want prick

there's others but I forgot them

My music playlist is this

ACDC highway to hell
Black Label Society Just Killing Time (this is zak wylde at his best, my life anthem)
Disturbed Down with the Sickness
Disturbed Stupify
Disturbed Numb
Drowning Pool Paralyzed
Drowning Pool Bodies
Drowning Pool Mute
Eminem Still Don't give a Fuck (I'm agreeing with this more and more)
Foo Fighters Disenchanted Lullaby
Foo Fighters Come Back
The Game Start From Scratch
Korn Freak On A Leash
Lupe Fiasco I Gotcha (because like me he is real, no bullshit)
The Music Welcome to the North (they are cool as hell, this reminds me of Sheff)
N*E*R*D Don't Worry About It (my mates reckon this about me LOL)
N*E*R*D Thrasher ( The baseline fuck em up...how fitting)
N*E*R*D Provider
NAS Just A Moment(for Scott *takes hat off*)
Nine Inch Nails Closer (hot damn)
Nine Inch Nails Hurt
Nine Inch Nails The perfect drug
Placebo Pure Morning (just says it all)

Theres a few more, but that playlist on my ipod touch today...and Itunes.

I want to finish this rambling piece of crap, by saying if you like someone stop pussyfooting around, and been an ignorant cunt isn't nice. Also take my advice P, read what I just wrote as you are another person who forgets he should do a bit of chasing...Loz likes ya.

The news update on my ex is this, they re arrested him last night as they believed me and Shan to be at risk, he was in court this morning, but I don't know the conditions that have been set, and the police said it's out of their hands now, the court have to let me know.

If you have ever had someone so obssessed with you, they told your own mum they don't care about your daughter just you...it's a scary thought and it hurts me to think he doesn't love her...she's amazing, beautiful and so intelligent. He's going to miss that, he never appreciated the beauty she brings to you life...what an idiot.

He's admitted all charges, and will be charged tomorrow.....

I have relief...

Is sunny on the outside, raining on the in....

on a lighter note I now fit into my jeans that I bought 2 years ago...just a shame they now drowned me as I lost just a bit too much weight ~sighs~

Shanna is been a bitch, she basically hates me for been broke. I have nothing to comfort her with...I don't know her right now...yet I can see why she's lashing out...pains me.

Im thinking of baking more cookies, I think I could make a living off making them...Shanna's been selling them to the local kids

I think I have ripped a ligament in my knee again...hella kills!!

For you...I hope you continue getting bad luck, I also wish you well in whatever you do, because after all is said and done, you did help me in some ways. Take The Box and Leave Me Alone.

"Take The Box"

Your neighbours were screaming
I don't have a key for downstairs, so I punched all the buzzers hoping you wouldn't be there
So now my head's hurting
You say I always get my own way
But you were in the shower when I got there, I'd have wanted to stay, but I got nothing to say

Cos you were so beautiful before today
But then I heard what you got to say...man that was ugly

The Moschino bra you bought me last Christmas
Put it in the box, put it in the box
Frank's in there and I don't care
Put it in the box, put it in the box
Just take it
Take the box

Take the box

I came home this evening and nothing felt like how it should be
I feel like writing you a letter but that is not me...you know me
Feel so f*cking angry; don't wanna be reminded of you
But when I left my sh*t in your kitchen, I said goodbye to your bedroom it smelled of you

Mr False Pretence, you don't make sense
I just don't know you
But you make me cry, where's my kiss goodbye?
I think I love you

The Moschino bra you bought me last Christmas
Put it in the box, put it in the box
Frank's in there and I don't care
Put it in the box, put it in the box
Now take it
Take the box
Just take it, take it
Take the box
And now just take the box
Take the box

Take the box

After 47 text messages, which has now filled my memory up, at the last count 33 phone calls, the dickhead is still harrassing me, the police are going to deal with it....well do it faster. My throat hurts, but no marks.
Is anyone out there just nice, normal and knows how to treat a woman, because to be honest I ain't finding you. I'm blunt on my blog, and sometimes a little too raw and real. But this is me, I give up more secrets here than anything, should i stop doing that, I don't know. Yet here I feel safe, knowing my thoughts or feelings maybe connecting with how someone else feels.

For once right, I want to be protected, I want to give someone me, and feel I get the same in return, instead I have always had a nice fist, or told I'm not good enough. Maybe I'm not, but I still exist inspite of those people.

I am here scared shitless, this place I'm at, isn't my home, he got in this morning while we slept, the one hour he stopped calling, he had put his hand through the letter box and got my keys. He told my daughter this morning I am a bad mum who has lied to her, he called me a slag in front of her....now bearing in mind I haven't been with anyone else in 11 years...shame I couldn't say the same about him. I called the police through a new number they gave me, just to alert them without needing to talk, he left before they got here.

I haven't got support, if I call my mum she will listen, but she can;t be here...I would never ask her to be either. He has a big family, all calling me stuff, and to be frank with you, I don't know how much I can take before I walk away from this part of my life....I've upped sticks before and left my entire house, stuff everything. Only this time Shannas not a baby, she sees whats going on.

I'm sorry I am real, I'm sorry that I may have worried people last night, as always guys I get through, I'm tough enough to take a few hits. But I can only blog about whats real in my life, and I won't sugar coat things...this is my life, it sucks, but fuck I have to breathe somehow.

I'm sat here waiting for the police, my friend came over to show me her pierced tongue...she left at 10.13pm. She text me to say she left her hat here. So a knock at the door 40 mins ago, me thinking it's her, is my ex, he's got a bump on his head,after banging it constantly because apparently he's just heard me on the phone with someone and demanding to know who it was. He grabbed me by the throat and pushed me into the hallway. He then shouted Shanna to demand who I'm seeing, she is laid here shaking, I'm in shock, waiting for the police because he's left and their advice was to lock the doors, and they will be here before 12, or after 9 tomorrow.

I have now lost faith in everyone, i am crying my eyes out. I'm tired of people taking advantage of my timid nature.

I hope i don;t wake up tomorrow, because my back, neck and head hurt...more bruises and more pain.

Today has been a rather odd day, I slept some of it, I've managed 5 hours up to now, I'm still mixing pharmys (apparently meds is sanitary towels to an aussie)I was having a think back to my teens today, some of my most happier times, but not when I was at home. I used to love staying at my friends house to get a break from my family falling apart, you might think that sounds selfish, but watching your parents tear each other apart on a daily basis fucks with your mind...and i don't mean verbal, I'm talking proper fisticuffs...amongst other things. At the time I had only 2 little sisters, and it became so normal to see this happen, we would sit watching tv and turn the volume up as they had a huge fight. My dad has mentioned this to me before, he said he once was so shocked to see us just sat there like it was normal. Well dad it was. My mum might read this, I don't know, but she needs to know the reality at why I'm like I am. I am timid, I can be a smartarse, but I am timid. A couple of years ago this side of me changed for a while, and I did something I could never do again, I actually had real rage, and hurt someone really bad. She's since moved and it's a relief..because if she saw me taking my daughter to school, she'd cross the road and look fearful. If I hadn't been dragged off this woman I wouldn't be sat here writing this. I have taken hits from an ex of mine, I can take a lot of shit. If my mum went to hit me, I'd take it...Want to know what caused my rage? Bullying, and the fact I couldn't take the lies been said about me anymore...then she hit me first in the mouth. Never again could I hit anyone....

I miss my friends from my teens, I had a few close knit ones, some I hid from my parents, I am good at been secretive, it's in my nature, I would attend parties and go to clubs without my mum knowing, it helped me live a life and try new things. I remember a time my dad thought I was on drugs because of my secretive behaviour, I wasn't at the time he asked. I've only ever been a casual user, because they used to help lift my moods, and i'm talking 3/4 times a year, now it's really rare I venture to that part of my life...

I decided to be open about this shit, because I am tired of it harbouring in my mind.

So to you reading this Welcome To Paradise

Berry fact (its been a while) My lucky number is 16, its my birthday, daughters birthday and house number

I can't sleep, I've had 2 hours in 2 days, but I'm ok, just mellow. I'm pondering on a few thoughts, the truth is in front of me, and I have to look at in face on. I am losing a lot of the good things in my life, through my own self giving up on stuff. I have to change my life drastically, but where to start is another matter, I have love from people, maybe I should give it back to them, but how? How do you love again, how do you remember what love is, I love my daughter, but that was pointed out its maternal love...but can you love people if you don't love yourself? I think yes you can, because the love of another person makes you want to be someone better, to change. How many love's can Berry fit in this damn blog? I admit it, I want to be loved and to love someone in return.....but it comes at a great cost...it will either tear me apart from trying too hard, or it will end up me resenting them for trapping me while I am so ill. While I can live a normalish life, I can't keep a job, I am accused of been on coke often, and I have this constant uphill battle.

For someone to take this on it's not easy, and I realised this over the weekend, would I want to be with someone like me.....simple answer No. How do you begin to sift through the whole tangled web your mind and life is? How do we as humans fail to see the beauty that is around us?

I can't be what someone wants me to be, although I know people think they could have it with me, simple fact is, I can't be so open to everyone, I can't tell someone that they make my heart melt, my pulse race, my body quiver and all that crap...because I think it's just a dream. Maybe this is my dream and I can't wake up from it, maybe I have had one too many meds today...which I may have actually, I lost count.

The man of my dreams is there, he's just not reachable. I wish Sergio Pizzorno read this blog ~sighs~

This blog is my safe haven believe it or not, it's where I can offload this crap...so I can relax....but what you just read is thoughts I have chuntering on in my head constantly, like a massive crowd.

On a Lighter note, I dominated in the mafia game I'm part of...I fooking rule!!!

Thomas Dybdahl Solitude

Click the link As I have no idea how to add youtube links

It's a favourite song of mine when I'm reflecting

So much for solitude and spills from the mind
romantisized as always
I cannot afford not to invest in myself
but I won't let the world get you down

I won't leave your side
I won't leave your side

same old, same old
this is the way the story goes
when I need me most you need me more
the truth of it all is all around me I know
but it wasn't like this before
still, I won't let you down
no I won't leave your side
I won't let you down this time

I mixed meds today, see how I would feel, because frankly my moods are up, down, up, down...not coolio, so I took whole bunch of shit, not overdosed, just a couple over a period of 2 hours...I feel refreshingly happy..I can't hear the crowd noises and I feel quite normal. I'm going to continue this until wednesday when I have to visit the Doc again.

I just made a nice sunday roast, and I can't eat a bite of it, just lost my appetite again. Shanna's enjoying it.

I want to get out of this country, I hate been here, I don't feel at home here, I have nothing to keep us here...I love my family in my own way, but they live 150 miles away, and the only one I speak to is my mum every few days. My sisters forget they have a beautiful niece, yet I have to acknowledge their kids. My dad barely bothers with me, which i'm glad as he's a dickhead...I hate what he's become. I don't feel like they are my family, I feel like I share a mum and she feels this need to have to bother with me. I deal with the bullshit with my ex alone, I deal with my bi polar on my own, so I know I am a strong person.

I do have a gripe today, as always, why does my neighbour feels this chuffing need to cut his grass every 2 days, I have bleeding hayfever! I am allergic to pollen and wasps...me no like wasps...I also have a slight problem, both my curtain poles are held up with duck tape...one of these days its going to fall down...i also fixed a shelf with said duck tape...it's my new best friend.

On a lighter note the ketchup I squirted on my kitchen ceiling has now been cleaned off, took me 4 weeks. I'm only 5ft4 so it's not easy!

My music playlist is:

Disturbed ~ Down With The Sickness
Arctic Monkeys ~ 505
Adele ~ Daydreamer
Black Label Society ~ Just Killing Time ( this is my life anthem )
Dodgy ~ Good Enough
Dodgy ~ In a Room
Jack Penate ~ My Yvonne
Jazmine Sullivan ~ Make U Stay
Jazmine Sullivan ~ Break My Lil Heart
Kasabian ~ By My Side
Kasabian ~ Me Plus One
Kasabian ~ The Doberman
N*E*R*D ~ Thrasher
N*E*R*D ~ Don't Worry About it
Lupe Fiasco ~ Ghetto Story
Lupe Fiasco ~ Hurt Me Soul
Nine Inch Nails ~ Closer

An Ode To My Ex

I look at you and want you to die
You think your flash and rather fly
You try to hurt me more each time
But your words are mainly filth and grime
I hate the way you use my daughter
like taking to a lamb to slaughter
One deep dark day i'll show you why
you deserve to really and truly die.

Thoughts Of Anger

You could try and define me
But you`d just intertwine me.
I am the beauty of corruption,
The pain in destruction.
Living in mortality ,
Noting but brutality,
And impaired by rationality.
Living my life like a song,
Wanting to know where I belong.
Abandoned roads, show me my way,
As I`m wallowing in my dismay.
I`ll admit I lied,
Just to shield my pride,
Nothing left inside,
With no one left in whom to confide.
Vulgar memories at my mind`s gates,
Nothing left but my valueless traits,
Just want to feel safe,
Away from this internal strafe.
Is that too much to ask?
Waking up strapped to an oxygen mask.
I`m sick of being the only who tries,
It`s twisting me away
In need of support.
Quite frankly,
I`ve fallen short.

WooHoo My daughter is home, she's sat here with her head in my lap playing the simpsons on the wii....I feel content again, she is happier, and I'm making a nice tea(dinner)I keep stroking her hair, and thinking how can someone so beautiful come from me, she's got a cute little nose, and lovely blue eyes. I missed her immensely, and I decided she's not going with sperm donor all weekend often, she came back quite subdued, but a hug from me and she's getting back to her normal self. I love been a mum, I like knowing i love her uncondtionally no matter what. Gosh a nice Berry...Yep Shanna brings that out of me

I'm off out next weekend, i'm excited about it....

I had a great morning, woken up by my phone beeping with texts coming through. I wrote a short story last night, which is pretty cool. Needs tweaking.

I can't be arsed to blog, as I give you all of me everyday, well I'm not in the mood today to do that. I want to keep my thoughts to myself...although I am pondering a few issues...here's my list

*1 Why do people only want to know you when they benefit or gain something, not all just most?
*2 Why do I always be straight with people, but they aren't with me?
*3 Why can't I use a microwave?
*4 Why are australian men some of the sexiest to walk this planet?
*5 How do I be what everyone thinks I should be?
*6 How come I'm not accepted as I am?
*7 Why is GTA4 so addictive?

I'm tired of been headfucked by people, so I'm taking a break from this blogging my feelings shite...because I feel like I give a piece of me I can't get back, and in my personal life I given few people a piece of me...yet they take that and I can't get it back...so I need to take some time away from everything. The fact is...I'm confused about everything in life, I'm up and down, I'm kind of high again, when in theory I shouldn't be...which is odd...I am confused about most things except what I want, my daughter and who i like. Although I'm doing ok on 2 out of 3, not bad for a screw up like me

It's 7.45 am, and I wanted to say to you good night, I know you read this, and I'm glad you do. I'm happy you're in my life, I'm happy you show me who I am. I'm glad to be your friend, I hate it when we fight, we are too alike in many ways...but in others complete opposites...I'm too emotional and I know I am, I don't like you not been in my life....I like how you guide me the right way, even if I dig my heels in.

So to you Raphael...thank you...You inspired me a few times during my blogs...mostly when i'm pissed off, but today you get this one...just for you

"Wrong When You're Gone" Jennifer Lopez

Guess I Should Have Shut My Mouth
But I Had To Get It Out
So Much For Being Headstrong
Now Im, Going Halfway Out My Mind
I Know I Was Outta Line
No Scratch That, I Was Dead Wrong

Know I Shoulda Let It Go
But I Just Had To Be Right
Coulda Left It Alone
But No, I Had To Be Right
Swear I Woulda Just Fell Back
If I Knew All I'd Be Left With Is These
Shoulda, Coulda, Wouldas Cuz You're Gone

Now Im Here Trippin
Cuz You Came Up Missin
And My Head Keeps Spinnin
It's Gettin Outta Control
I'm Backin Down This Time
I Don't Wanna Fight
I Don't Care Who's Right

Cuz I'm Wrong When You're Gone
When You're Gone
[x3]

Heaven knows if you were here
I'd be all up in your ear
Least you could do is answer your phone
Cause I realize my mistake
Baby I'll do what it takes
if I could just get you one on one

Know I Shoulda Let It Go
But I Just Had To Be Right
Coulda Left It Alone

But No, I Had To Be Right
Swear I Woulda Just Fell Back
If I Knew All I'd Be Left With Is These
Shoulda, Coulda, Wouldas Cuz You're Gone

Now Im Here Trippin
Cuz You Came Up Missin
And My Head Keeps Spinnin
It's Gettin Outta Control
I'm Backin Down This Time
I Don't Wanna Fight
I Don't Care Who's Right

Cuz I'm Wrong When You're Gone
When You're Gone
[x3]

I Know I Pushed You Out
Runnin Off At The Mouth
Sayin All The Wrong Things
Callin You Out Your Name
I Was Unpredictable
I Was So Emotional
I Swear I'm Gonna Do Better
Can We Get This Back Together Again

[Pre-Chorus:]
Now Im Here Trippin
Cuz You Came Up Missin
And My Head Keeps Spinnin
It's Gettin Outta Control
I'm Backin Down This Time
I Don't Wanna Fight
I Don't Care Who's Right

Cuz I'm Wrong When You're Gone
When You're Gone
[x3]

Cuz I'm Wrong When You're Gone
When You're Gone

Cuz I'm Wrong When You're Gone
When You're Gone
[x3]

Why do people lie? And I don;t mean little white lies, but big ones? Its made me feel like shit tonight. Why am i naive? why do I bother? ~shrugs~

I just had a bizarre day today, I'm in a good mood considering. I have stopped taking all my meds, except the iron tablets(when I remember) I have calmed down...i like been calm. I feel more relaxed, I still think I'm too damaged for anyone to want me full time. But I have a lovely daughter...who I am missing like crazy, I miss her jokes that aren't funny, I miss her asking me to braid her hair, I miss her asking me to make her ready brek, and then laugh as I overcook it...I cannot use a microwave...I'm a proper cook kind of girl. I miss Shanna heaps....

I have had a really strange day, and I don't know if it's me, or I've just been enlightened by certain stuff....who knows...but this one song has got to me....

God why did I drink...I haven't got a hangover, just think I have dented the ego loads! I have a few blog stalkers, I'm doing great!
My daughter called me at 8 am, I didnt have the heart to tell her I was too tired, so I pepped up during the 20 min call, she's off to the seaside today with sperm donor, although she called me upset at how his family are ignoring her in favour of his nephews. I said just listen to your ipod and talk with your dad. I'll be picking up the pieces tomorrow....it hurts when your baby is upset...but she wants to be there, so what can I do?

And I'm glad you noticed me for all of 5 mins....I'm trying not to take it so personal that now you are ignoring me completely..

I kind of give up on men, the one time I tell someone I like them, I mess it up.......I'm good at that

It's about time I wrote a blog that wasn't about been a smart arse, or feeling angry. Instead I want to express my thoughts on a few things. Sometimes you find people in the strangest places, I have never been actively looking for someone...yet I kept seeing this person everyday...I liked things about them, and picked up on the little things...yet he's calmer than I am...and probably more sane. Am I good enough for him, probably not.

I just had a toasted panini, i ate without been sick..i feel happier knowing i got this off my chest...who knows what will happen.

Some dickhead said the title of my blog to me today....it was a local mechanic...I bearly know the knob, but my dog decides that while she's in season she'll go pouting her pussy to the local rottweiler....great...but she's a very small shih tzu! I had to go a few doors down to find my dog flirting with all the males, human and dog...so embarrassed and with a tight top on, I had to approach 4 guys all standing over the bonnet of this Suped up subaru. I shouts the dog...nothing...i did it again and all the guys looked up. I apologised for my whore of a dog, and picked her up..boobs flashing all and chuffing sundry! So that's now two of us who are whoring ourselves...one willingly the other not so.

So the mechanic says "you live up the street don't you"
I said "yeah, sorry about my dog"
Mechanic "No problem love, stick around, you will be walking in the presence of greatness"
Me said " Are you for real mate?"
His mates laughed so much...because apparently this impresses most women, according to his mates, so i said how old are they 15?
The mechanic said "I'll be seeing you around" and smiled.

I think i'm too fiesty for some people..but they watched me walk up to my house...I wish i had a clean top on thats for damn sure, and one that didn't let my 44F tits spill out onto the pavement.

Just been puking all morning, on top of that my electric ran out....mega not good...so i just used half of my last 20 quid. I really have no clue what I will do next week, but something will come up right? Not usually, but I have a few more job interviews lined up, which can only be a good thing. I actually applied at the local asda, as well as accountants places....only to be refused by asda...wow! That is so not a confidence boost.

Puking when you have no stomach acid is really bizarre...if you eat something, it tastes the same coming back up...and ready brek is no exception...just thought I'd share that with you.

I'm in a so so mood today, which means I feel like saying so, so, so while shrugging....Just joking, I want to go out, but no one to take me....~sighs~

My ex said he loves me 3 times today, and I actually told him every time, I don't feel the same, and never really did, I find it extremely hard to actually feel "real" love, just lust mostly, and that's been rare too. I saw it in his eyes that he means it, and I see it in my other ex's eyes when he says it. I feel such a bitch, but I can't feel a feeling I don't feel.

Today's Mexican Word Of The Day Is:

"Herpes"

"Me and my friend, we order pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.

feel refreshed after 7 hours sleep? I feel worse than ever....I deep slept most of that 7 hours, although my mate called at 11 pm to see if I fancied going out, which I don't remember replying with "We decided venus will be the place to sleep, night" Maybe I was mega tired? i seriously have no recollection of that...she text me thats all, saying I'm off my rocker...she's known me long enough to not need to tell me that, me already knows

Oh and Love is a losing game, I realised I will be a woman who smells of pee and has 3 cats and 2 dogs, who will probably walk the neighbourhood chatting about my feet and the local kids been little shits...I also have the prospect of maybe seeing my daughter been a lesbian, so yeah lifes good. I think this because I have to screw my kid up somehow...and I seem to have a knack for some weirdass shit..might as well assume she'll be lesbian, as she's too quiet for a serial killer....but maybe not

Well I'm off to contemplate my future and make something to eat...as i woke up hella hungry and it's been days since I ate something really nice. I lost more weight...good but bad too.

Mexican word of the day,

"Wheelchair"...My friend was drinkin' bud light, when i told him "hey vato! Where's mine?"

He say..."Don't worry wheelchair!!"

I was checking out my emails today, all 2 of them. One really sweet one from someone I'm sure is insane, but still sweet, the other asking if i want my 5 inch penis extending to 8 or more...so here I am looking at my "shenis" and thinking is it worth the $8000 to get said "shenis" made longer...it's an option...only I don't have $8000.

I've decided that my postman is the biggest dickhead known on this planet (just for today) He banged on my door this morning like a bailiff ready to take my whole house as well as my arsehole. So half asleep i opened the door to this weedy cunt, who said in a whiny George Formby (when I'm cleaning windows man) voice and says "Got you a packagggeeeee" So i says "ok", what fucking else could I say..i was shaking like I was withdrawing from crack, seeing as this twat had banged so loud Hong Kong probably heard him too. He then says with a massive grin I must stress to add..."Did I wake you up?" To which the smartarse in me said "Nope, I'm sure I'm still in the worst dream ever with you starring in it" He handed me the package and said "Not a morning person" and laughed. Well here it goes dickwad....I DO NOT appreciate been woken at 7 35 am with it sounding like I was about to be raided on a drugs bust! I also had just had a few hours sleep with no fucking nightmares....so cunto thats why I was pissy...how about them eggs huh huh!!

Also my stupid neighbour asked me had I heard the news, and I said no not put my tv on today, she looked puzzled. I often wonder why she tries talking to me, or anyone for that matter, I keep myself to myself, I don't gossip...only to you people..which technically isn't me gossiping...just letting my thoughts out. I've come to the conclusion today, I'm that weird people just feel sorry for me.

I'm itching all over I have had an allergic reaction to these "new" meds i am on...how nice...the doc says it's new...so fucking what I thought the scientist paid guinea pigs to "test" that shit out..not us patients!! So I'm laid in bed scratching at imaginary itchy parts...it's like my blood is itching actually. Maybe I just have fleas.

My daughter is in a play, she's a soldier in it and has quite a big part, not bad for a quiet kid. The tomboy in her wanted a boyish role...I was a tomboy and turned out Bi, I just hope she likes men...I want grandkids..incase I don't have anymore kids, which is highly unlikely. So please just hope I didn't rear a lesbian! I have no problems with women on women action...none at all...I just one day want an extended family...gosh the shit I think about eh?

I think in person I am unnoticable and unattractive, thats my final thought of today.