Epiphany Of The Jaded Reprobate

This afternoon I decided with my premature leaving of class today i'd try some experiments out. One being what runs faster, the tortoise or a spider...I caught a huge ass spider and got my little tortoise out, he's been a moody shit lately, so i decided i'd let him have his favourite food...strawberries, can't let him have too many as it's like an equivalent to 4 take aways for us.

Anyways I had him all set and let the spider go...oddly enough the tortoise ran across the room, so i poked the spider, who just waited then dashed up the wall...so the winner was hermy. Spiders are dumb...it's all i can say...

The 2nd fun experiment I tried was holding smelling an apple while eating a pear...it tasted like pear...so no idea why it was supposed to remind me of apples...fucking scientists know shit...

The 3rd was a rocket I made, i put in baking soda and it flew 2 feet up in the air, then hit me on the head...

I've come to the conclusion I prefer chemistry out of all sciences, and I do not ever wish to use my pets again, as the dog tried to bite the tortoise...whom in turn bit the dog.

Im on some weird ass meds called Ativan...they make me feel like im floating around the house...I actually debated whether or not i was dead...so to test this out I bit my tongue...you know what...it bloody hurt.

Berry fact....I hate wearing socks, I do not own a pair and never will, they make me feel sick when i touch socks...I hate people touching my feet with socks on...

Normally today I am at college, and I was up until 10.43 am.....

I've been high the last 2 weeks, but since I started on some new meds I've hit earth with a massive bump...This morning I knew I was pissed off, but took it as a "woman been moody" thing...I got on the bus, and I got to class, this one person said something so fucken stupid I had to sit elsewhere for fear of throttling her. I was asked why and what was wrong, I just said "I feel out that way" which was the truth. AS the morning went on I felt more and more pissed off, I don't know why. I can't control how I feel...I can't suddenly feel ok, I just have such a problem that no matter what I do, I will always be a manic depressive. So a quiet girl left the class, and this other girl started bitching about her, I sat there listening to J totally rip into G and I finally had had enough, and said some bad bad shit. I was asked to calm down, and that the class had enough stress, so i said to Rachel, my tutor, "Tell you what, why don't you fuck off too" To which I realised was awful to say, so I got my bag and left...I have never ever disrespected anyone like that before, so i went to see my doc. They have put me on sedatives and some other shit. Apparently this will keep me "calm" In all honesty I kind of would go past caring if I didn't have a kid...and somedays I consider she might be better off without me...but if anyone must screw her up...I should get the priviledge

I'm also sick of things in my personal life, that I have cut certain things and people out of it, so that I would feel better, and this works for someone like me. I can't help feeling like this, I asked the doctor yet again, and she says I can't do very much to control my chemicals, it's just how my dna is. I get tired somedays of people who are just "depressed" they can get out of it if they really try, I tried a talk group, to find most were fucken depressed...wow I wish I was only depressed... I am battling Bi polar disorder, which through no fault of my own, I can't get rid of. I battle this by myself, as my family live down south, and my ex is my ex...although he can be a good help where our daughter is concerned, that I am grateful for.

I'm not a fucken pussy who lets this take over, but for today I am so fucken angry with everything, that I don't really care who I upset....

See it's never been a big issue before, because I used to stay in the house for months on end, but now I have commitments I can't do that anymore.

Will anyone read this...do i really care? at this moment in time, I couldn't give a rats ass..I just hate been this way, I hate been me, and I hate people fucking with my head and heart.

To Mum, thank you for been more understanding, I need that.
To First, thank you for been you and showing me what a true friend is.
To Alucard, thank you for making me smile with music.
To Shanna, I love you so much, I will try and smile tonight!
To Carl, thank you for been a friend.

To everyone else, if I didn;t mention you its either because you never really give a shit about me, or you just haven't upset me or made me smile today.

I HAVE AN EXAM NEXT WEEK...today was my mocks...I'm going to fucking fail...woohoo!!!