I keep having internet probs. I keep not sleeping, I keep thinking how do I get enough money to get me through next week..

I can't talk to anyone, I'm having a complete shut down...or maybe I'm changing. I've dropped another dress size, because I barely eat. I ate some stuff from my package, and half a sandwich.
Yet I still look a fat bastard. At one point I liked been that way, so i was unattractive and hideous to everyone, but job wise and confidence wise it does nothing for you.

I used the supertram today, wasnt that packed, but the conductors i'm sure have "hitler" training...i forgot how much dayriders were...because the other week they were £2.70...so i hands this woman a tenner and she grunts "that all you got" i says yeah..she grudgingly hands me the ticket and slaps the money in my hand...and it hurt...so i said "the devils missing his sidekick...when you due back in hell?" she told me not to get smart or i was off...touchy bitch. The second time i went on another tram, that conductor barked can't see yer ticket...and walked off in a huff. Wanted to say cunt, but didn't have the balls.

Well you know about my illness by now...if you read this, well lately i'm getting really low, and I had thoughts of cutting and suicide...don;t know why, as I don;t think shit is that bad personally...but still it's how i feel...my head feels this way, but my heart doesn't. So tonight I reminded my head why we must keep trooping on...I watched my little girl sleep for over a hour, she looks so peaceful and she tucks her hands under her cheeks. I stroked her hair back a little and checked she was breathing...as I do everynight. And it pains me to know she has a high risk chance of been bi polar like me. She already displays certain signs, but it could be down to hormones...but she's only 10 and rather meloncholy. She's happy when with me, we do little things like build warhammer models and play on the wii. I don't think I'm a very good mum, I wish I was like other mums...and I know i'm different...

I haven't really been to the docs for a few days, and they keep calling...if i don;t answer they will make me go to hospital again to assess my state...I'm just quiet thats all.
My family don't know how ill i am, and I won't be mentioning it anytime soon. The only way I can describe how i feel is this...on a high mood I hear tons of stuff in my head, but i zone out that one voice that eggs me on to be the life and soul, and talks you into wanting to do dangerous things...including drugs. Then as I am now the low mood, the crowd is all busy, can;t hear one particular voice, so you can't relax and feel compelled to listen to your mind....and it slowly makes you want to end everything to make it stop. There's more to it than that, but thats how my mind is.

On a lighter note I taught my dog a new trick, and she rolls over...only for bacon though...damnnit!!

So if you can understand a quiet, slowly going insane person then don't give me a call..you may be just as mental as me.