Epiphany Of The Jaded Reprobate

I know I mistreated you lately, and I have been distant...I have a battle with myself on a daily basis and you are far away from me, so it is easier to not answer your calls for love and attention. I know you probably sigh and just want to touch and kiss me all night, but I shy away from you instead.

I know you are hurting to and I can take that pain away, but I feel so useless.

Decided after the little or non existence sleep of the last week or so, I'd try writing a song, so I was strumming the guitar for a good 36 mins, when it hit me....I don't play the guitar that great right handed...not sure why...i prefer playing it the left handed way...i'm not actually left handed, only in certain things.

I wrote a nice song, but it's not great, nor will I ever really let anyone listen to my music...I wrote for a few people and I hate hearing my own stuff been played...it's like I don't deem it worth the time...*bitch slaps herself* Im whinging...and it's getting boring right? Is for me anyways.

How do you get someone to notice you? just wondering...

I keep having this dream where these 3 guys make me eat broken glass, it hurts my mouth and I feel it during my dreams....I hate these dreams.

My friend made me laugh yesterday, he said we will restore your faith in earthlings...I said what in the hell are you on about...he thinks that it can be restored and shit...bless him he's a simple man....

And one question I have been pondering due to a couple of people I know having this dilemma, is it better to go with someone 10 years older than you or 8 years younger...personal taste is older, but my mum and sister like them younger...so I just wondered. I always like the idea of been protected...only I seem to choose the dickheads...and when you think you got it right they whack the shit out of you.

I have a leather sofa, so I used these leather wipes from asda...holy shit...never again....i now have a lighter shade of sofa....worse than what the flash wipes once did...

I eating lucky charms again...yummy!

And why is there no chuffin spell check on this bloody thing...*curses the blog site*

I keep having internet probs. I keep not sleeping, I keep thinking how do I get enough money to get me through next week..

I can't talk to anyone, I'm having a complete shut down...or maybe I'm changing. I've dropped another dress size, because I barely eat. I ate some stuff from my package, and half a sandwich.
Yet I still look a fat bastard. At one point I liked been that way, so i was unattractive and hideous to everyone, but job wise and confidence wise it does nothing for you.

I used the supertram today, wasnt that packed, but the conductors i'm sure have "hitler" training...i forgot how much dayriders were...because the other week they were £2.70...so i hands this woman a tenner and she grunts "that all you got" i says yeah..she grudgingly hands me the ticket and slaps the money in my hand...and it hurt...so i said "the devils missing his sidekick...when you due back in hell?" she told me not to get smart or i was off...touchy bitch. The second time i went on another tram, that conductor barked can't see yer ticket...and walked off in a huff. Wanted to say cunt, but didn't have the balls.

Well you know about my illness by now...if you read this, well lately i'm getting really low, and I had thoughts of cutting and suicide...don;t know why, as I don;t think shit is that bad personally...but still it's how i feel...my head feels this way, but my heart doesn't. So tonight I reminded my head why we must keep trooping on...I watched my little girl sleep for over a hour, she looks so peaceful and she tucks her hands under her cheeks. I stroked her hair back a little and checked she was breathing...as I do everynight. And it pains me to know she has a high risk chance of been bi polar like me. She already displays certain signs, but it could be down to hormones...but she's only 10 and rather meloncholy. She's happy when with me, we do little things like build warhammer models and play on the wii. I don't think I'm a very good mum, I wish I was like other mums...and I know i'm different...

I haven't really been to the docs for a few days, and they keep calling...if i don;t answer they will make me go to hospital again to assess my state...I'm just quiet thats all.
My family don't know how ill i am, and I won't be mentioning it anytime soon. The only way I can describe how i feel is this...on a high mood I hear tons of stuff in my head, but i zone out that one voice that eggs me on to be the life and soul, and talks you into wanting to do dangerous things...including drugs. Then as I am now the low mood, the crowd is all busy, can;t hear one particular voice, so you can't relax and feel compelled to listen to your mind....and it slowly makes you want to end everything to make it stop. There's more to it than that, but thats how my mind is.

On a lighter note I taught my dog a new trick, and she rolls over...only for bacon though...damnnit!!

So if you can understand a quiet, slowly going insane person then don't give me a call..you may be just as mental as me.