that things are ok, I haven't eaten properly in 4 days, I feel miserable. I know why but I can't do shit about it. I let myself down in a huge way, so I have to make myself pay for that mistake. I wish I could turn the clock back every minute of every day at this moment in time. I wish I could say hey...I'm sorry we'll do it your way. I have these thoughts in my head and I can't sleep, if I'm honest I'm lying about sleep to everyone, they think i'm having some....not really I lay there running this situation in my head, and how i could have approached it differently....yet I didn't and it was me who fucked it up.
I'm a dickhead, simple as, I mess up too much, and I ended up wanting what was never real.
alecweston
Pro 
It's probably better you didn't read most of my blog as I tend to waffle on...believe me I do it often!! 
I often loathe myself, too, but my god your self-hated appears to be turbo charged! I am a first timer on your blog, though, intrigued, I have now read up from Shakedown. (I'm a bad sleeper, too)
So what terrible, terrible thing have you done to punish yourself in this way? Hasn't the other person got any responsibility for whatever happened? Besides, you sound a sensitive, loving, witty person... Did you really behave like Pol Pot or Hitler?
Okay - in the past, I'll admit there have been occasions I have felt much the same. But most of them, now I can't actually remember //why// I felt that way... on the other hand, I still bare some of the self inflicted psycho-bruises.
During my sleepless night(this morning), I read in novel: We are never as bad as what we do.
A week ago, on my own blog, I gave myself some advice - lighten up. Dare I say the same to you?
x love from a passing stranger