Epiphany Of The Jaded Reprobate

I think I should probably not discuss my current dilemmas, but might as well. Today I kind of feel like someone has bulldozed my entire life...I finally got my next appointment for the crazy people...13th May...I'm scared because this means I have to force myself to dissect my whole mood swings in front of a total stranger...and if I don't i'm royally buggered. So I have 3 weeks to make myself "open" fuckity fuck fuck....

I found out I'm actually in debt to the bank and I have no overdraft...shit. Some random person called me up at 9 am, demanding I give them my bank stuff, and password, I said who's this the fucking government? He said No whats the password on the account, I said you called me fucker, now call me when I'm in a better mood and when your attitude borderlines on nice.

*slams phone down* ok i lied it's a cordless so i pressed the button for put phone down...sheesh I felt so guilty just then!

I'm having worse nightmares than ever, they make me feel the pain sometimes, no idea why, but they are graphic and I feel like i'm actually there, so i wake up more tired than when I went to sleep. I'm scared to sleep sometimes, explaining this is hard.

I'm troubled every minute of the day, the more I get to sit and be quiet, the worse it is..I begin to think more things and then I can't stand it anymore so I have to think of ways to pass out...I don't tell anyone this but sometimes I would rather sleep in the day because my thoughts tend to be at the height of crazyiness in the day...I used to get drunk just to sleep, but then I found my dreams the worser place to be. I appear to be nice to some people, and yes I am, but I am a troubled person, with more in my head than I talk about.

I still worry about a person on my blogger friends list, I find myself reading what they say and then thinking more about stuff....maybe I just like how they write. I would never say who it is I'm talking about, because it suprises even me why I care...

My song collection has grown and I'm back onto metal, this is a relief for my daughter, as she said I was beginning to sound like a pansy...She's a very honest kid, maybe its because I had her young, maybe I'm young minded too, but somedays when I feel like I should just stay in bed and never wake up...she gives me that reason to nag...bless!

I miss my Aussie friend a lot, they were over here visiting a few weeks ago, and I want her to come back, she's been my online friend for 8 years, I met her the first time I used yahoo chat, which I would never ever dare venture into these days, We became friends, then wrote to each other, she's been over before, but seeing her again made me happy. I miss her hugs actually....

Berry fact....I have a set routine when it comes to making toast, if I break it I can't eat my toast.

Well I had some time away from the net, and tried to figure out my head, and life. I recently aqquired 3 people who desire me...how weird is that, I laugh....

I'm attempting to find a job...now this is laughable due to the fact, who the heck would be dumb enough to take on a bi polar, paranoid and weirdass person like me...I'm talking about in the accountancy world...seriously I do not tend to fit into the "norm" of what these uptight people are...I like to break the mold and show a bit of diversity. I love numbers always have, I love the way you have to tally everything up...now with computers the fun of it is at times taken out of it, but i'm still learning so I'm doing it the hard way...manual...how i love manual.

I've come to realise over the last two days, I'm not regular with anything, never noticed it when I had stuff to do, but sheer boredom and an interest in science made me think about certain habits....I could never do what that crazy bitch Gillian Mckieth does though...actually prodding and sniffing your shit...thats just fucking down right nasty!

I found myself reading the dictionary, I found some nice new words, that I shall be using during the week to confuse people, I'm not trying to belittle anyone, i'm just seeing what reaction I get..i really like the word trogladite...makes me think of something oddly amusing.

I tried out more science experiments, I wanted to see if my tortoise was a sweet tooth..I placed one cut strawberry on one plate and spinach on the other...now lately he's been lively..so I figured its been the variety and diet hes on...I later found out he just needed shit and was needing cold water....I will explain that later in the blog...anyways I placed Hermy (my tortoise) on the floor...he ran for the spinach, which surprised me because that fatboy adores strawbs....but this got me thinking...was it the mass that attracted him...as they are greedy little sods ya know. ..so I took away both plates and attempted said experiment with less spinach...and guess what the little shit went for strawbs...so this left me to the conclusion...no idea on if he is a sweet tooth, but he is a greedy get.

I bathed Hermy, as hes a med tortoise he has to be sprayed and have a bath once a week, keeps his skin nice. So i was cleaning him when he strained his neck right out...weird I thought until I realised the long poop...i sat him down and left him...talk about shitting on someone.

I've been tutoring the local kids lately...this happened by sheer accident, but one of my daughters friends had trouble with maths, and no one knew how to divide with grids etc...to be honest it's a complete piece of piss, so this kid asks me can i help...Muggins here all chilled out and bored shitless says yeah...so I got to work helping...then 45 mins later a knock a the door, a lad up the road needing help, so i talked him through, showed him easier ways. Now bless him, his mum made him bring me a thank you note around...i felt really special for 4 seconds...Today I helped 3 kids, so now i'm ending up maths tutor...I told one parent as she laughed saying ohh you should charge, and i said yes love and you already owe me £8..she thought I was joking, but then I said anymore next week and i might as well charge a fee...how they stopped laughing. Made my day...I think I'm evil?

I really hate bugs...its something I find creepy and I dream sometimes of been buried alive and bugs are entering my nose and mouth, then I end up half eaten alive...it's awful...so My daughter whom is a massive tomboy, she hangs with lads, builds dens, climbs trees(rather badly) and like looking under rocks for bugs...tonight we have in 4 tubs, a millipede(shes proud of this one) 4 snails...which she tends to kill by them drying out, 2 beetles (they look evil) and one odd looking thing that looks like a rolling piece of turd...infact it might just be that...who knows. She has them stack on my bloody table...I would release them but I am too scared to even venture near there. Although i want to dissect something....

I keep thinking about one of my blogger friends, I worry about them...god knows why as I hardly know them, yet I'm compelled to actually care for that human in a weird way...It will pass thank god.

Berry fact...I love aston martins, i hated james bond for using them, that fucker commercialised them...