Thinking about this new found calmness...Im really bored..I'm still on dial up, seeing as the money I am owed didn't arrive in my bank. I feel a bit deserted actually, think this is normal..I have so many emotions going through me, it's bizarre...nothing sinister, just I have a couple of problems that one way or another have to be resolved. Just wish I knew what I wanted...

Been with someone 11 years is a hard thing to go through, we met young, had a kid, yet I always knew i'd stay, because he was the only thing I felt I had at the time, my nan kicked me out due to some lies been told, i had just turned 17 and I felt I couldnt talk to my parents.....So I felt stuck with this one person, who for a while was great. Then they never truly understand your free spirit or why you get moods, so they make you dependant on them, and things happen...I ended up been someone who wasn't me anymore. I have often felt abandoned by people. So to counteract that I became what people wanted. But how long can you be that person before the real you who is screaming on the inside, has to be. I took it upon myself 3 years ago, to lose weight, gain confidence and be me...only this has been the cost of my relationship and in lots of ways many friends. I lost friends through gaining attention which they sometimes got, the jealousy started, but what amazes me, is that sometimes a smile attracts peoples attention, and yes when I go out i do smile a lot...not unless i'm in one of my "moods" I'm not pretty by any means, but I have nice eyes and a smile.

The reason I just talked about that was that for me my relationship has ended, it's dead, I cannot muster any feelings towards that one man. I have tried over the last year to be what he wanted, and it made me feel utterly numb. Which is how i feel a lot of the time, is this normal? I cut most of my family off, and I did it with ease 12 years ago. I do not miss time with them or their attention, and the doctor brought this up, asking do i often cut people off so easily...and my answer was yes. She now wonders if this is to do with my condition...personally I just think thats me as a person anyway...you hurt me I cut you off.

I don't feel like writing anymore tonight, just not in me and I'm sure no one really reads this anyway.

Berry fact My favourite band of all time is kasabian, see them live as often as I can...weird really seeing as i prodominantly love metal.