Epiphany Of The Jaded Reprobate

Name: Carla!
Birthday: 16th November
Birthplace: Sheffield
Current Location: Surburban hell
Eye Color: Blue
Hair Color: Brunette
Height: Short arse...5ft 4
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right
The Shoes You Wore Today: D & G white with army type laces.
Your Weakness: Flattery or my daughter
Your Fears: The dark, heights and failure
Your Perfect Pizza: banana and pineapple
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Better job
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: LOL and
Thoughts First Waking Up: Shit I'm alive
Your Best Physical Feature: Eyes
Your Most Missed Memory: If I knew I wouldn't miss it
Pepsi or Coke: None, at a push coke
MacDonalds or Burger King: Burger King
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla
Do you Smoke: Nope
Do you Swear: fuck no...erm...yes...
Do you Sing: yes
Do you Shower Daily: yes
Have you Been in Love: I believe so
Do you want to get Married: No
Do you belive in yourself: NO!!!!
Do you think you are Attractive: LMAO fuck no
Are you a Health Freak: no..I'm a fat twat
Do you play an Instrument: yes a few
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Yep
In the past month have you Smoked: Nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs: Yep
In the past month have you gone on a Date: Nope
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: YES!!!!!
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: No...erghhhh
In the past month have you been on Stage: Yes to get a drumstick
In the past month have you been Dumped: Nah
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: are you nuts...this would scare the local folk
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Hell no
Ever been Drunk: often
Ever been called a Tease: Often!
Ever been Beaten up: yep
Ever Shoplifted: once
How do you want to Die: High on cocaine and drunk on tequila
What country would you most like to Visit: Canada
In a Boy..
Favourite Eye Color: Blue
Favourite Hair Color: Not sure
Short or Long Hair: Not bothered
Height: taller than me
Weight: Not Skinny...hate skinny men
Best Clothing Style: casual
About you
Number of Song I own: 5896
Number of Piercings: 4
Number of Tattoos: 1
Number of things in my Past I Regret: Most of them

Reason I named this post that is because they don't make sense....same as the morning I just had.

If someone says they read your blog, then the next min they don't...what do they mean? If someone says they don't know what love is, then says I hurt them, what does it mean? I am confused as shit by people....I am pretty stupid to be honest. I try and be just me, yet it's not enough. I cannot be friends with a guy and love him, because apparently that means we are fucking.
Why can't you people out there in the world just be fucking honest, blunt or straight to the point, why must it be cryptic stuff...I DO NOT fair well with cryptic messages.
I'm in a good mood still, but had a cry earlier, was better to let it out.

People are two faced, I found this out today in a bad way...and I came to realise why I only trust a handful(if that) of people..I sometimes read back what I've written in previous weeks, but not because I think yeah I'm great, but because I see at times I have a very biased view on matters....as we all do when it's our point of view. But does this mean what i am writing isn't the truth...no, it means it's the truth from my perspective. Today i felt like this has been taken away from me, and I feel pretty cut up about it. I don't write this for people to use against me, I write it to get my own feelings out, because as I keep saying...I do not feel like shit most weeks out of choice...I don't have "depression" I feel like i do because of the way my body pumps out fucked up hormones. Please understand this.

I love my daughter, yes I hate most people, yes I sometimes wish I could change stuff, just like most people do...Yet when I feel like I have lost the will to live, I think of one thing, and while my own mind and body is willing me to do those things, I think of my kid. Thats fucking willpower...I DO NOT want to feel like I do. I despise it. My mum goes through more pain than I can ever imagine, I sometimes wish i could take everyones pain away, but I can't, and while I am battling my own illness, please don't take away the fact I am battling this slowly and without pressuring my own family.

I'm kind of tired of pouring my heart out and then people knowing me, or thinking they do. To look at me in the street, you wouldn't look twice, maybe at bus stops you would strike up a convo, but overall, I too am just a nobody. Only for once in my wank life i choose to stand up and let myself be heard.

Before I start, let me tell you I am often awake at 8 am...but rarely do I ever wake up like this...ready to write.
Ok from reading yesterdays blog you know I was high the night before...I mean proper high...horny, tripping and floating like some spaceman on a rock. Usually I feel the bi polar high, which is actually rather similar to the "E" high...but without the whole trippy stuff...hmm saying that though and reading my other posts...i wonder
Anyways I'm wandering off topic slightly, yesterday i was really damn mellow, it was totally refreshing....I went to bed at 11 30 pm, do you know how rare that is for me? The biggest shock was I just slept the whole bloody night with no nightmares!!
Seriously I should possibly consider on my next mania high actually partying one night on substances that make you trip the hell out, because the next few days you sleep, eat, and actually feel like your mind is at ease...
I've woken up in a good mood, chilled out and actually wanting to decorate my bedroom.. I was trying to figure out my new self this morning, but kind of gave up, because I don't feel like analysing stuff today

Do you think maybe I fried a few of the "mental" braincells? I figure this won't last and should just go with the new found flow...until I feel back to the "messed" up me.

I decided at 7 30, that my daughters school lunch would be something different...she's not impressed..mardy arse! So I just made her sanwiches again...jeez I made some groovy pasta too...Apparently though the sweet chilli just killed it for her...I forgot she hates chilli...Ok...I didn't forget I just fancied some myself
Is it blog etiquette to not talk about pooping habits? Hmm maybe I should just leave that out. Yep yep...lets just say after the weekend, everything is "flowing"

I'm on a mission to use all the smileys this week. Think it can be done? Do you really care? Tune in later to find out....

Top 10 list of songs to listen to

Disturbed - Down with the sickness
System of A Down - Chop Suey
Staind - schizophrenic conversations
BuckCherry - Crazy bitch
Ghostface Killah - Shakey Dog starring Lolita
Ghostface Killah - Jellyfish
Floetry - Hey You (the live version, the normal is wank)
Nine inch nails - closer
Olav Basoski - waterman
Jazmine Sullivan - Prototype (prefer her version over outkasts)

This is how eclectic my music taste is sometimes...I'm in a really cool mood...wish I had money!

Berry Fact....I'm nothing special, but seem to have turedn a few ex's and friends into obsessive people....weird.