Normally today I am at college, and I was up until 10.43 am.....

I've been high the last 2 weeks, but since I started on some new meds I've hit earth with a massive bump...This morning I knew I was pissed off, but took it as a "woman been moody" thing...I got on the bus, and I got to class, this one person said something so fucken stupid I had to sit elsewhere for fear of throttling her. I was asked why and what was wrong, I just said "I feel out that way" which was the truth. AS the morning went on I felt more and more pissed off, I don't know why. I can't control how I feel...I can't suddenly feel ok, I just have such a problem that no matter what I do, I will always be a manic depressive. So a quiet girl left the class, and this other girl started bitching about her, I sat there listening to J totally rip into G and I finally had had enough, and said some bad bad shit. I was asked to calm down, and that the class had enough stress, so i said to Rachel, my tutor, "Tell you what, why don't you fuck off too" To which I realised was awful to say, so I got my bag and left...I have never ever disrespected anyone like that before, so i went to see my doc. They have put me on sedatives and some other shit. Apparently this will keep me "calm" In all honesty I kind of would go past caring if I didn't have a kid...and somedays I consider she might be better off without me...but if anyone must screw her up...I should get the priviledge :))

I'm also sick of things in my personal life, that I have cut certain things and people out of it, so that I would feel better, and this works for someone like me. I can't help feeling like this, I asked the doctor yet again, and she says I can't do very much to control my chemicals, it's just how my dna is. I get tired somedays of people who are just "depressed" they can get out of it if they really try, I tried a talk group, to find most were fucken depressed...wow I wish I was only depressed... I am battling Bi polar disorder, which through no fault of my own, I can't get rid of. I battle this by myself, as my family live down south, and my ex is my ex...although he can be a good help where our daughter is concerned, that I am grateful for.

I'm not a fucken pussy who lets this take over, but for today I am so fucken angry with everything, that I don't really care who I upset....:lalala:

See it's never been a big issue before, because I used to stay in the house for months on end, but now I have commitments I can't do that anymore.

Will anyone read this...do i really care? at this moment in time, I couldn't give a rats ass..I just hate been this way, I hate been me, and I hate people fucking with my head and heart.

To Mum, thank you for been more understanding, I need that.
To First, thank you for been you and showing me what a true friend is.
To Alucard, thank you for making me smile with music.
To Shanna, I love you so much, I will try and smile tonight!
To Carl, thank you for been a friend.

To everyone else, if I didn;t mention you its either because you never really give a shit about me, or you just haven't upset me or made me smile today.

I HAVE AN EXAM NEXT WEEK...today was my mocks...I'm going to fucking fail...woohoo!!!