Epiphany Of The Jaded Reprobate

I know I mistreated you lately, and I have been distant...I have a battle with myself on a daily basis and you are far away from me, so it is easier to not answer your calls for love and attention. I know you probably sigh and just want to touch and kiss me all night, but I shy away from you instead.

I know you are hurting to and I can take that pain away, but I feel so useless.

Decided after the little or non existence sleep of the last week or so, I'd try writing a song, so I was strumming the guitar for a good 36 mins, when it hit me....I don't play the guitar that great right handed...not sure why...i prefer playing it the left handed way...i'm not actually left handed, only in certain things.

I wrote a nice song, but it's not great, nor will I ever really let anyone listen to my music...I wrote for a few people and I hate hearing my own stuff been played...it's like I don't deem it worth the time...*bitch slaps herself* Im whinging...and it's getting boring right? Is for me anyways.

How do you get someone to notice you? just wondering...

I keep having this dream where these 3 guys make me eat broken glass, it hurts my mouth and I feel it during my dreams....I hate these dreams.

My friend made me laugh yesterday, he said we will restore your faith in earthlings...I said what in the hell are you on about...he thinks that it can be restored and shit...bless him he's a simple man....

And one question I have been pondering due to a couple of people I know having this dilemma, is it better to go with someone 10 years older than you or 8 years younger...personal taste is older, but my mum and sister like them younger...so I just wondered. I always like the idea of been protected...only I seem to choose the dickheads...and when you think you got it right they whack the shit out of you.

I have a leather sofa, so I used these leather wipes from asda...holy shit...never again....i now have a lighter shade of sofa....worse than what the flash wipes once did...

I eating lucky charms again...yummy!

And why is there no chuffin spell check on this bloody thing...*curses the blog site*

I keep having internet probs. I keep not sleeping, I keep thinking how do I get enough money to get me through next week..

I can't talk to anyone, I'm having a complete shut down...or maybe I'm changing. I've dropped another dress size, because I barely eat. I ate some stuff from my package, and half a sandwich.
Yet I still look a fat bastard. At one point I liked been that way, so i was unattractive and hideous to everyone, but job wise and confidence wise it does nothing for you.

I used the supertram today, wasnt that packed, but the conductors i'm sure have "hitler" training...i forgot how much dayriders were...because the other week they were £2.70...so i hands this woman a tenner and she grunts "that all you got" i says yeah..she grudgingly hands me the ticket and slaps the money in my hand...and it hurt...so i said "the devils missing his sidekick...when you due back in hell?" she told me not to get smart or i was off...touchy bitch. The second time i went on another tram, that conductor barked can't see yer ticket...and walked off in a huff. Wanted to say cunt, but didn't have the balls.

Well you know about my illness by now...if you read this, well lately i'm getting really low, and I had thoughts of cutting and suicide...don;t know why, as I don;t think shit is that bad personally...but still it's how i feel...my head feels this way, but my heart doesn't. So tonight I reminded my head why we must keep trooping on...I watched my little girl sleep for over a hour, she looks so peaceful and she tucks her hands under her cheeks. I stroked her hair back a little and checked she was breathing...as I do everynight. And it pains me to know she has a high risk chance of been bi polar like me. She already displays certain signs, but it could be down to hormones...but she's only 10 and rather meloncholy. She's happy when with me, we do little things like build warhammer models and play on the wii. I don't think I'm a very good mum, I wish I was like other mums...and I know i'm different...

I haven't really been to the docs for a few days, and they keep calling...if i don;t answer they will make me go to hospital again to assess my state...I'm just quiet thats all.
My family don't know how ill i am, and I won't be mentioning it anytime soon. The only way I can describe how i feel is this...on a high mood I hear tons of stuff in my head, but i zone out that one voice that eggs me on to be the life and soul, and talks you into wanting to do dangerous things...including drugs. Then as I am now the low mood, the crowd is all busy, can;t hear one particular voice, so you can't relax and feel compelled to listen to your mind....and it slowly makes you want to end everything to make it stop. There's more to it than that, but thats how my mind is.

On a lighter note I taught my dog a new trick, and she rolls over...only for bacon though...damnnit!!

So if you can understand a quiet, slowly going insane person then don't give me a call..you may be just as mental as me.

Quiet, tired, meloncholy and in need of TLC...

My sister is pregnant with her 3rd child, she's only 24...The one I thought had some sense..is as stupid as the other 2. I'm the odd one out, and I clearly know this. I am unlikely to have any more children due to some things, does it bother me? yep Do I cry over it? No. I have a 15% chance of carrying another child. Nice odds huh. I just hope my sisters count their blessings at some point...I doubt it...but still. I'm trying to get a career on track, I get good grades...yet because of my illness no one really wants to take you on. So yeah another sob story there for you....but I still realise I am lucky...Because I got me a 10 year old whos amazing. The only thing in my life worth a tear.

My ex just text me excited...because he got GTA...well I;m glad you fucking cocksucking wanker you can afford such luxuries, while me and MY daughter live off 75 quid a fucking week...knobhead. He pays no rent because he's at mummys, hes on around 270 a week...and I'm too nice to be shitty about stuff....I'm a fucking mug...all because I try to keep my baby happy.

Infact why do I bother even blogging this shit....as if anyone reads it.

OH LORDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, i am interrupting your day, and my mood to tell you about something...The most important package ever arrived today, been waiting 2 weeks. I am sat here at this moment tucking into what was in this package...god bless America...*sighs* Before you roll your eyes, bear with me here.

I don't like much breakfast cereal, but the ones I do like this country stop dishing it out...tossers! Like Golden Grahams...I hate cinnamon...ergh...and my ultimate fav LUCKY CHARMS!!!!!!!!! I am now eating said lucky charms as i type...i picked out the marashmallow bits aleady..*guilty look* The list is huge but in this package is :-

Cherry hersheys kisses *yummy..just tried one*
Blowpops *tried a cherry one*
Gummi worms *tried all colours*
Special editions Razzberry M & M's *not tried those yet*
Lucky Charms *2nd bowl*
Reeses peanut cups *not tried*
Oreo cakes *not tried..but dying to*
Jolly rancher Gummies *tried all flavours yummy yummy*
Peanut Butter M & M's *adorable.....goddamn*
Jolly rancher hard candy *not tried*
Soft batch cookies *waiting for daughter*
Golden teddies *not tried*

I have a problem though....I am quite sugar intolerant, so I had a few things and now I am shaking like a leaf, sweats and teeth chattering....but you what, its bloody worth it

I have no stomach acid, so the sugar goes into my bloodstream quicker, I'll not explain why, because I'm not ready to talk about that part of my life.
So to C who sent me that package, I love you to pieces, and it made this girl smile...and also feel like shes dying...but of happiness

I get caught up somedays in my whole crappy moods, not long now before my proper assessment...I had an assessment 2 years ago, but they wanted me on some stuff that made me zombiefied. So i finally get a new assessment to see how much meds I truly need. I found this list because my doctor gave me some websites for me to look at...but I said why? Because i already know how i feel...she said show family and friends why you are like you are....so this is a list you should never say to someone with severe bi polar disorder

* "What's your problem?"
* Will you stop that constant whining?"
* What makes you think that anyone cares?"
* "Have you gotten tired yet of all this me-me-me stuff?"
* "You just need to give yourself a kick in the rear"
* "But it's all in your mind"
* "I thought you were stronger than that"
* "No one ever said life was fair"
* "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps"
* "Why don't you just grow up?"
* "Stop feeling sorry for yourself"
* "There are a lot of people worse off than you"
* "You have it so good - why aren't you happy?"
* "What do you have to be depressed about?"
* "You think you've got problems..."
* "Well at least it's not that bad"
* "Lighten up"
* "You should get off all those pills"
* "You are what you think"
* "Cheer up"
* "You're always feeling sorry for yourself"
* "Why can't you just be normal?"
* "You need to get out more"
* "Get a grip"
* "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be"
* "Get a job"
* "You don't 'look' depressed"
* "You're just looking for attention"
* "Everybody has a bad day now and then"
* "Why don't you smile more?"
* "A person your age should be having the time of their life"
* "The only one you're hurting is yourself"
* "You can do anything you want if you just set your mind to it"
* "You brought this on yourself"
* "Get off your rear and do something"
* "Snap out of it"
* "You're always worried about your problems"
* "Just don't think about it"
* "Go out and have some fun"
* "Just try a little harder"
* "I know how you feel - I was depressed once for several days"
* "You'd feel better if you went to church"
* "Shit or get off the pot"
* "What you need is some real tragedy in your life to give you perspective"
* "This too shall pass"
* "Go out and get some fresh air"
* "We all have our cross to bear"
* "You don't like feeling that way? So change it"
* "You're a real downer to be around"
* "You are embarrassing me"
* "You'd feel better if you lost some weight"
* "You're too hard on yourself. Quit being such a perfectionist"
* "Don't take it out on everyone else around you"
* "You are going to lose a lot of friends if you don't snap out of this"
* "You're dragging me down with you"
* "You're just being immature"
* "You are your own worst enemy"
* "That is life - get used to it"
* "My life isn't fun either"
* "You don't care about the rest of us - you're so self-absorbed"

Do you know something...in my fucking life most of that shit has been said to me...because apparently I'm selfish, have tantrums, don't care about anyone, too emotional etc...Well fuck you all, I told you over and over I am ill, and I CANNOT stop been that way at times. I'm just happy there's people out there THAT DO understand my problem. You read my blog and you either think wow she's a moody cunt, or wow she's right, thing is living with this is not damn easy, fair enough people out there have way worse shit, but I am trapped with chemicals making my brain feel this way...you CANNOT CONTROL CHEMICALS ALONE!!!!!!!!!!! And anyone who fucking tells me they can control their "moods" hasn't got bi polar, or only has it mildly...I have asked 14 professionals if you can control bi polar fully yourself, and they all said if you have the mild form yes its easier, but with your condition no. So there you go. I wish i was "just" depressed, seriously, I would be able to slap the fuck out of myself to get me out of it....but right now I don't have "depression" I am certified as fucking mental...how nice.

I want to say to a couple of people fuck off and drop dead, but at the moment I can't let this out in person, I only got ranting here today because I was re reading a message someone sent me and It cuts me deep...so i taunt myself with it...like punishment, showing myself just what I am, and what i've become due to been ill.

One way to hurt me is to say what you feel in words, I find words the most powerful thing, and I get hurt by them more than anything...why? Because I'm a stupid cunt. I let a close few people get to me. Tossers. I've made a choice NO ONE else gets close from now on.

My Aussie friend called me last night, was nice to talk...although I didn't talk much. I say around 20 words a day lately....i just let others talk while I space out and think of ways to cut myself. I get a glazed expression...or vacant as my friend says.

P.S I love you

And I love NOT BOB's Avvie....will steal that sometime...

I sleep in the day and stay up all night, this has now become a routine, I feel tired yet I will lay there till 9 am, then go to sleep til 1 pm. I don't know why this sudden control set sleeping time, but I am trying to break it. So I'm off to bed after this.

I've lost my knack for writing, I lost the passion I think, the stuff I write is rather humourless. I found something I thought i'd lost...no not my mind, but a ring.

I often wonder what it would be like to just say everything on your mind....I could say I have tourettes.

I find my lack of drive, passion and eagerness quite disturbing, although i did manage to muster up enough energy to give my drunk neighbour the finger. That amused me for a few.

Well I'm out for the night, wish me luck...never know I might just drop dead.

Berry

Apparently this is what I regulary have, was better when I was left alone in my own group, I was happy. Suppose me writing about it is me now been "emotional"...I'm naive in my thinking and gullable....very gullable.

Well knobhead has just come to get my little angel...I feel even more depressed than I did 1 hour ago. I should eat, I don't even have £2 to my name, and I am running out of bread and milk. Not working is taking it's toll, I am getting no child support, and up to now I delude myself that it will "get better". Bolllocks, I've used this phrase for 13 years, and you know what...it hasn't got better. It's gradually got worse, and I've hit rock bottom numerous times.

My ex threatened me today which was interesting, getting used to that nowadays, then he's all nice when it's pick up daughter time, she wanted to go, it broke my heart, but I could do nothing but agree..I sometimes hate been timid. I wish I was in a high week, where I will stand my ground, but the real me is a shadow of that. I feel unprotected, when really like any woman I want to BE protected...not much to ask is it.

In person at the moment I am really quiet, shy and distant...my friend told me I seem really vacant...nice. I don't really care much for blogging, but I have to see how extreme my moods are. I don't really care much for anything, I have even stopped listening to music all day, I mostly just potter about...doing cleaning, chores or just basic crap i have to do. I don't think my meds are working at all.

Today I found my house phone in the fridge again...I have a big american style frdge/freezer and it's way bigger than me, I have to go on my tiptoes for the top shelf. So I must have placed it there after a convo with my mum....I don't remember doing so though.

that things are ok, I haven't eaten properly in 4 days, I feel miserable. I know why but I can't do shit about it. I let myself down in a huge way, so I have to make myself pay for that mistake. I wish I could turn the clock back every minute of every day at this moment in time. I wish I could say hey...I'm sorry we'll do it your way. I have these thoughts in my head and I can't sleep, if I'm honest I'm lying about sleep to everyone, they think i'm having some....not really I lay there running this situation in my head, and how i could have approached it differently....yet I didn't and it was me who fucked it up.

I'm a dickhead, simple as, I mess up too much, and I ended up wanting what was never real.

I frequent an online mafia game, I used to be a helper on one, and had fun, but realised cheating was rife...kind of deluded me after that. Been on this new one, and I'm kicking arse on it, helps when you are stressed. I like the name Autumn so thats the name I use.

I went for a job interview today, and it did not go well. I answered all questions, except one. Which in all honesty he was been a dick about. He was fishing about my personal life, and status regarding more kids, but doing it a round about way. He obviously wants a male for the role. Tosser.

I found myself bored today, so I sorted out my penny jar...I felt rich.

I'm quite depressed today, but in a funny way i'm bearing up quite well, I actually didn't mind cleaning the toilet...it's not like Shan's going to do it...

I need a haircut, as my hair is getting frizzy and too long.

I don't feel inspired to write today, because I am full of the "fuck you" stuff, and a little bit of woe on top.

Berry Fact....I have a secret....i don't have any feeling in 2 fingers on my right hand, due to my wrist bones having a condition called "ulner shortening" it's rare and i have no big bone poking out where my wrist is, hence why i wear bracelets. The smaller bone traps the nerves and gives me so much pain I sometimes wish I could chop my hand off....I've never admitted this before.

How do you begin to ever let someone in, when you do why do you instantly regret it...why do they say one thing and do another....why do they sometimes never chase you when you have those tears...why can't you ever accept the fact they think you are beautiful. I am battling with myself because I let some in close, and I feel it was my biggest downfall to date.

I never lied to anyone about me, I'm an emotional fucked up weirdo. If I cry in front of you it's because I feel I can do that, if I cry because of you it's because you got deep into me, I hate looking weak, and lately I have become that person. I hate myself, no i loathe myself with a passion, i stayed in the shower for 2 hours hoping to wash away the pain i feel...it's still there.

I have nothing to offer anyone...I live in this shell because I have to. I'm not suicidal or that depressed, just mad at myself for been a dickhead...

I think I should probably not discuss my current dilemmas, but might as well. Today I kind of feel like someone has bulldozed my entire life...I finally got my next appointment for the crazy people...13th May...I'm scared because this means I have to force myself to dissect my whole mood swings in front of a total stranger...and if I don't i'm royally buggered. So I have 3 weeks to make myself "open" fuckity fuck fuck....

I found out I'm actually in debt to the bank and I have no overdraft...shit. Some random person called me up at 9 am, demanding I give them my bank stuff, and password, I said who's this the fucking government? He said No whats the password on the account, I said you called me fucker, now call me when I'm in a better mood and when your attitude borderlines on nice.

*slams phone down* ok i lied it's a cordless so i pressed the button for put phone down...sheesh I felt so guilty just then!

I'm having worse nightmares than ever, they make me feel the pain sometimes, no idea why, but they are graphic and I feel like i'm actually there, so i wake up more tired than when I went to sleep. I'm scared to sleep sometimes, explaining this is hard.

I'm troubled every minute of the day, the more I get to sit and be quiet, the worse it is..I begin to think more things and then I can't stand it anymore so I have to think of ways to pass out...I don't tell anyone this but sometimes I would rather sleep in the day because my thoughts tend to be at the height of crazyiness in the day...I used to get drunk just to sleep, but then I found my dreams the worser place to be. I appear to be nice to some people, and yes I am, but I am a troubled person, with more in my head than I talk about.

I still worry about a person on my blogger friends list, I find myself reading what they say and then thinking more about stuff....maybe I just like how they write. I would never say who it is I'm talking about, because it suprises even me why I care...

My song collection has grown and I'm back onto metal, this is a relief for my daughter, as she said I was beginning to sound like a pansy...She's a very honest kid, maybe its because I had her young, maybe I'm young minded too, but somedays when I feel like I should just stay in bed and never wake up...she gives me that reason to nag...bless!

I miss my Aussie friend a lot, they were over here visiting a few weeks ago, and I want her to come back, she's been my online friend for 8 years, I met her the first time I used yahoo chat, which I would never ever dare venture into these days, We became friends, then wrote to each other, she's been over before, but seeing her again made me happy. I miss her hugs actually....

Berry fact....I have a set routine when it comes to making toast, if I break it I can't eat my toast.

Well I had some time away from the net, and tried to figure out my head, and life. I recently aqquired 3 people who desire me...how weird is that, I laugh....

I'm attempting to find a job...now this is laughable due to the fact, who the heck would be dumb enough to take on a bi polar, paranoid and weirdass person like me...I'm talking about in the accountancy world...seriously I do not tend to fit into the "norm" of what these uptight people are...I like to break the mold and show a bit of diversity. I love numbers always have, I love the way you have to tally everything up...now with computers the fun of it is at times taken out of it, but i'm still learning so I'm doing it the hard way...manual...how i love manual.

I've come to realise over the last two days, I'm not regular with anything, never noticed it when I had stuff to do, but sheer boredom and an interest in science made me think about certain habits....I could never do what that crazy bitch Gillian Mckieth does though...actually prodding and sniffing your shit...thats just fucking down right nasty!

I found myself reading the dictionary, I found some nice new words, that I shall be using during the week to confuse people, I'm not trying to belittle anyone, i'm just seeing what reaction I get..i really like the word trogladite...makes me think of something oddly amusing.

I tried out more science experiments, I wanted to see if my tortoise was a sweet tooth..I placed one cut strawberry on one plate and spinach on the other...now lately he's been lively..so I figured its been the variety and diet hes on...I later found out he just needed shit and was needing cold water....I will explain that later in the blog...anyways I placed Hermy (my tortoise) on the floor...he ran for the spinach, which surprised me because that fatboy adores strawbs....but this got me thinking...was it the mass that attracted him...as they are greedy little sods ya know. ..so I took away both plates and attempted said experiment with less spinach...and guess what the little shit went for strawbs...so this left me to the conclusion...no idea on if he is a sweet tooth, but he is a greedy get.

I bathed Hermy, as hes a med tortoise he has to be sprayed and have a bath once a week, keeps his skin nice. So i was cleaning him when he strained his neck right out...weird I thought until I realised the long poop...i sat him down and left him...talk about shitting on someone.

I've been tutoring the local kids lately...this happened by sheer accident, but one of my daughters friends had trouble with maths, and no one knew how to divide with grids etc...to be honest it's a complete piece of piss, so this kid asks me can i help...Muggins here all chilled out and bored shitless says yeah...so I got to work helping...then 45 mins later a knock a the door, a lad up the road needing help, so i talked him through, showed him easier ways. Now bless him, his mum made him bring me a thank you note around...i felt really special for 4 seconds...Today I helped 3 kids, so now i'm ending up maths tutor...I told one parent as she laughed saying ohh you should charge, and i said yes love and you already owe me £8..she thought I was joking, but then I said anymore next week and i might as well charge a fee...how they stopped laughing. Made my day...I think I'm evil?

I really hate bugs...its something I find creepy and I dream sometimes of been buried alive and bugs are entering my nose and mouth, then I end up half eaten alive...it's awful...so My daughter whom is a massive tomboy, she hangs with lads, builds dens, climbs trees(rather badly) and like looking under rocks for bugs...tonight we have in 4 tubs, a millipede(shes proud of this one) 4 snails...which she tends to kill by them drying out, 2 beetles (they look evil) and one odd looking thing that looks like a rolling piece of turd...infact it might just be that...who knows. She has them stack on my bloody table...I would release them but I am too scared to even venture near there. Although i want to dissect something....

I keep thinking about one of my blogger friends, I worry about them...god knows why as I hardly know them, yet I'm compelled to actually care for that human in a weird way...It will pass thank god.

Berry fact...I love aston martins, i hated james bond for using them, that fucker commercialised them...

Thinking about this new found calmness...Im really bored..I'm still on dial up, seeing as the money I am owed didn't arrive in my bank. I feel a bit deserted actually, think this is normal..I have so many emotions going through me, it's bizarre...nothing sinister, just I have a couple of problems that one way or another have to be resolved. Just wish I knew what I wanted...

Been with someone 11 years is a hard thing to go through, we met young, had a kid, yet I always knew i'd stay, because he was the only thing I felt I had at the time, my nan kicked me out due to some lies been told, i had just turned 17 and I felt I couldnt talk to my parents.....So I felt stuck with this one person, who for a while was great. Then they never truly understand your free spirit or why you get moods, so they make you dependant on them, and things happen...I ended up been someone who wasn't me anymore. I have often felt abandoned by people. So to counteract that I became what people wanted. But how long can you be that person before the real you who is screaming on the inside, has to be. I took it upon myself 3 years ago, to lose weight, gain confidence and be me...only this has been the cost of my relationship and in lots of ways many friends. I lost friends through gaining attention which they sometimes got, the jealousy started, but what amazes me, is that sometimes a smile attracts peoples attention, and yes when I go out i do smile a lot...not unless i'm in one of my "moods" I'm not pretty by any means, but I have nice eyes and a smile.

The reason I just talked about that was that for me my relationship has ended, it's dead, I cannot muster any feelings towards that one man. I have tried over the last year to be what he wanted, and it made me feel utterly numb. Which is how i feel a lot of the time, is this normal? I cut most of my family off, and I did it with ease 12 years ago. I do not miss time with them or their attention, and the doctor brought this up, asking do i often cut people off so easily...and my answer was yes. She now wonders if this is to do with my condition...personally I just think thats me as a person anyway...you hurt me I cut you off.

I don't feel like writing anymore tonight, just not in me and I'm sure no one really reads this anyway.

Berry fact My favourite band of all time is kasabian, see them live as often as I can...weird really seeing as i prodominantly love metal.

It's been a quiet day, I made a list of stuff I'd like to sort out...some things I could do within the next few weeks, so I am doing so. I have 3 job interviews this week, not going to tell them I am ill....this tends to rule me out for any job, plus now i'm calm and will be for a while now. It's nice, today I actually took a walk in the park with the dog, it's been weeks since I last did that.

I found out after my recent mania, I'm highly in debt, which is not nice for me...

I noticed when i'm happier the sun shines more...like now here it's sunny and I actually feel ok

My neighbour asked if i was ok today, i replied yes...and that was that...

Today was a good day...up to now.

TWATS...I am on dial up as we speak, because I have to pay my bill...yet they keep my phone line on, go figure? So I'm taking an opportunity to use said phone line and pay the bill tomorrow...Which i may add has NOT arrived...so I have told them if they don't sort their admin out maybe someone from the middle east should.

I have been reading all day, so I feel pretty chilled, and thanks mum.... *hugs*

Good day considering virgin...

Shanna and I made oreo milkshakes, and I had one sip and was shaking for 2 hours, I hate this sugar intolerance...really sucks ass.

Why do I write sometimes, I don't know. But tonight it became apparent why I don't get chatty with people personally...because after a while they become ignorant cunts...they think they have you "sussed" or have had what they "need" from you. I've decided I won't be answering anyone, not unless I feel you're worth it. Because frankly I seem to be the shit on your shoe....I'm maybe been paranoid, and at the moment I'm quite chilled out. No anger...just saying what I think.

Why is it the bigger the slut you are, the more people seem to like you? I ask this because of one forum I frequent....is it the tart with a heart thing...or a pretty face?

I think I killed my daughters sunflower...she's at her dads tonight...so how do i get a new one before lunchtime tomorrow? the one she's got is about 6 inches high...

Joe Won yay! I got the excited call from TJ...crazy man...go celebrate with your cuz...and i shall talk to you in 4 days!

Ok I'm sorry ok...I admit I was wrong...I admit I shouldn't have eaten the extra pringle, or the gingerbread man(which was yummy by the way) I'm sorry that even when you protest, I ignore you and do my own thing...

I'm also sorry for the times I've woke you up at night with my pacing, and then the extra munching on top...I know that annoys you. You have been good to me, and I am pretty selfish...but today you showed me why I should listen to you.

I'm sorry hips...I know you don't lie....I apologise dear dear hips...

*breaks fucking weighing scales*

There we go...I HAVE NOT PUT ON 2 lbs!!!

I blame pringles...I can't eat chocolate makes me seriously ill, but I can eat prawn cocktail pringles...god they are sooooo lush! Fucking things..

Or it's my monthleys...one or the other

I have been reading various emails and blogs from yesterday, I vaguely remember putting my picture up....and then realising I hope it wasn't the smiling one...I look like I'm about to kill someone..looks like a Wednesday Addams smile..well anyways it's saturday and I'm staying in. After the last 3 weeks I've just had I feel it's just a lot safer to stay in. I decided I'm not taking anymore meds, because I seem to verge on psychotic on the buggers. Someone said I looked younger than 28....a lot of people think this and half the time I cannot get a drink without I.D.

I always wear a hat...just because I suppose i like to hide. And I lost my thick hair because of some stuff...its getting back to how it was but taking ages. As I write this I'm actually pretty upset, but as my kid just told me, hey at least it's a feeling, want me to punch your arm...I said NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...she hurts when she punches....yep I'm a wuss

I have these constant battles with myself...Is it wrong to just want a hug from the opposite sex...and if not how could I do so without him wanting to touch my tits? I'm lonely if I'm honest, but not lonely enough to turn to my ex best friend at this point in time...The lesbian..

Berry fact...I found out I also hate the smell of cranberries with a passion...

After todays really weird day, I'm having some random thoughts...

I don't feel like sharing them...

is it normal to be smitten by someone just by their words? Just something my friend text me, so I said why u asking me that? He said he's been reading my blog and never realised i had so much going for me....cheeky cunt...is all i could muster.
I was tempted to post a picture of me, just to show u people who to avoid while in yorkshire...but not sure...

I think today i offically let my illness take me over just about fully...what a pussy I was. It's like someone took the key to mind and heart...felt awful.

I nearly caused a problem between me and him...but luckily he's really understanding and rides out my moods. How long can a placid person stay that way? I don't want him to go before we've even started, I still don't know where we are heading, but the way he soothes me is nice. He tells me no one else can take him away, but I'm skeptical, I feel bad that I doubt him. I doubt everyone, yet I find it easier to doubt someone trying to get closer that normal. I tried a few times to turn my back, and say it was just a friendship...easy to do that...yet this one won't let me do that.

If the situation were different I'd be more calmer about stuff....I sometimes tell him we can't do this, and he reassures me...makes my mind and soul want a whole lot more...makes me want to do things I never do. Why can one person intoxicate you like that? I've never had that before, and I'm finding it mind blowing yet scary at the same time. We are both single so it's no problem....but I feel there is a problem. Me. I tell myself i can't love him...yet my heart is telling me otherwise...I was with someone for nearly 11 years, so I wasn't looking...you came into my life unexpected...I am trying to go with the flow...you are the calmer one of us. I need that so desperatly...I can only ever say sorry for how I am sometimes...although it's never towards you, you have to see nevertheless...I am scared to love you...I am scared to love anyone.

Ok first things first, I am in a really pissed off aggrivated mood, I won't tone this fucker down, sorry but i won't, I gave it a warning because if anyone gives me shit and bitches about this, and trust me pussy motherfuckers do, I will let rip....

MSN is such a stupid bastard I just about threw my lappy into kingdom come...the only thing that stopped me, was remembering my dickhead ex breaking my most cherished HP...I fucking hate this piece of shit sony vaio, but still it works. But msn can kiss my fucking royally fat fucking arse today.

Jevo's...for fucks sake the next one to darken my doorway will get a nice golf club around the head, when you're off on one...the only thing you do is this...call the doc, because frankly you can't stop how you feel. So I was all set to go to the docs at 1 30 pm, when what the fuck...this stupid cunt decides to go on about religion to me...please oh fucking please not when i'm in a shitty mood....So i said you either step away from my personal space and front garden or else I will say stuff you will regret...then he says they can " save" me...that sent me clean over the bastard edge, I said you cannot save someone who fucking sold her soul to pimps, druggies and the devil in return for sex, drugs and eternal damnation...so fuck off before I wrap a baseball bat around your bastard head. He said I gues i caught you at a bad time...YOU DON'T FUCKING SAY KNOBHEAD!

My ex...ok lately I tolerate him, he's a good dad lucky right? This is only because he still wants me, he never actually gives a shit about MY daughter, it's more to get in my good books, so today this motherfucker has had my wrath. He called me during my "mid pissed off" mood, to tell me about his new job....what the fuck do i wanna know for? I'm broke as fuck anyway, and he owes ME money...so he says its packing and I'm dyslexic, I says why didn't you tell them that, and he says he froze....so this got to me...I let rip, and you know what I let fucking rip good style. this is what I said, and bear in mind he cried. Fucking pussy.

Me: "Well tell them then, stop been a fucking pussy, I'm not there to hold your hand, we broke up, and what will your excuse be eh? because "Mr King of all excuses" they know we aren't together...oh and that's because you have to broadcast every detail of the so called relationship we had...so mr fucko, why didn't you step up for once to ANOTHER MAN, and tell him that you can't do the job..."
Knobhead: "I just couldn't...don't shout at me"
Me: " Oh fuck off, to be honest I have enough in my head to explode and right now I want to be left alone, go and talk to your mummy, because you can't use me as your fucking excuse mate."

Berry hangs up and punches wall!

I'm not here to sort out peoples problems, because I have this chemical inbalance problem, that frankly I have no idea how to control, and I am on so many different types of shit that I keep taking the wrong shit...I want to get high, because it's the only time I am truly at ease with my mind. We all normally have our everyday problems in our heads, then we have the extra stress of work, family and stuff...but on top of that a bi polar person is constantly battling themselves, life and conscience and they can't stop it...you can't think, you hear so many conspiracy things, that you begin to believe your family is wanting to take your kid...You verge on sheer insanity, now me and a few people joke about bi polar, but on a truly fucking bad day, you cannot cope...I cannot cope. My head is such a fucking mess has been all day, I will be calmer tonight, but now it's a mess.

Unfortunatly while I can be a cool person, I am infact a manic depressive, so I feel really doomed to ever having true happiness with love and all the trimmings. Hence why I should stay single.
This is how bad my mania is today, the doc has put me on all new meds called zyprexa...fuck knows what these do, but she made me have one in her office...fucking bitch. Probably wanted to kill me.....well a hour later I'm not dead yet.

I wish some people in my life would either stop talking or live with the fact what they say their actions have reprecussions...Just like my mouth does, but I don't care if I lose friends, I don't care if no one likes me, because if they walk away so easy then FUCK THEM...Wankers.

And today I feel like this...why? I don't fucking know, this is my condition. And the sooner certain people understand I don't have "depression" the fucking better.

On lighter note where is the spell check on here....

I wrote these and actually I have written them for one person, so tough now I declaring it.

To You...

You make my heart sing everyday
You show me love in every way
Why do you love me, what do i do?
Do i make you feel loved too?

I feel so happy with you around
You keep my feet on the ground
One look from you i feel so good
You love me like a lover should

Intertwine

I think of your body upon mine
Your hands they touch and trace a line
You make me gasp and say your name
You have my soul and made me tame

You take control of who i am
I know our love is not a sham
You make me feel a part of you
You pull me in and show me too

I’m in awe of you I’m part of you
I do whatever you want me to
You love me, show me what is real
You show me what it’s like to feel.