Epiphany Of The Jaded Reprobate

I know I mistreated you lately, and I have been distant...I have a battle with myself on a daily basis and you are far away from me, so it is easier to not answer your calls for love and attention. I know you probably sigh and just want to touch and kiss me all night, but I shy away from you instead.

I know you are hurting to and I can take that pain away, but I feel so useless.

Decided after the little or non existence sleep of the last week or so, I'd try writing a song, so I was strumming the guitar for a good 36 mins, when it hit me....I don't play the guitar that great right handed...not sure why...i prefer playing it the left handed way...i'm not actually left handed, only in certain things.

I wrote a nice song, but it's not great, nor will I ever really let anyone listen to my music...I wrote for a few people and I hate hearing my own stuff been played...it's like I don't deem it worth the time...*bitch slaps herself* Im whinging...and it's getting boring right? Is for me anyways.

How do you get someone to notice you? just wondering...

I keep having this dream where these 3 guys make me eat broken glass, it hurts my mouth and I feel it during my dreams....I hate these dreams.

My friend made me laugh yesterday, he said we will restore your faith in earthlings...I said what in the hell are you on about...he thinks that it can be restored and shit...bless him he's a simple man....

And one question I have been pondering due to a couple of people I know having this dilemma, is it better to go with someone 10 years older than you or 8 years younger...personal taste is older, but my mum and sister like them younger...so I just wondered. I always like the idea of been protected...only I seem to choose the dickheads...and when you think you got it right they whack the shit out of you.

I have a leather sofa, so I used these leather wipes from asda...holy shit...never again....i now have a lighter shade of sofa....worse than what the flash wipes once did...

I eating lucky charms again...yummy!

And why is there no chuffin spell check on this bloody thing...*curses the blog site*

I keep having internet probs. I keep not sleeping, I keep thinking how do I get enough money to get me through next week..

I can't talk to anyone, I'm having a complete shut down...or maybe I'm changing. I've dropped another dress size, because I barely eat. I ate some stuff from my package, and half a sandwich.
Yet I still look a fat bastard. At one point I liked been that way, so i was unattractive and hideous to everyone, but job wise and confidence wise it does nothing for you.

I used the supertram today, wasnt that packed, but the conductors i'm sure have "hitler" training...i forgot how much dayriders were...because the other week they were £2.70...so i hands this woman a tenner and she grunts "that all you got" i says yeah..she grudgingly hands me the ticket and slaps the money in my hand...and it hurt...so i said "the devils missing his sidekick...when you due back in hell?" she told me not to get smart or i was off...touchy bitch. The second time i went on another tram, that conductor barked can't see yer ticket...and walked off in a huff. Wanted to say cunt, but didn't have the balls.

Well you know about my illness by now...if you read this, well lately i'm getting really low, and I had thoughts of cutting and suicide...don;t know why, as I don;t think shit is that bad personally...but still it's how i feel...my head feels this way, but my heart doesn't. So tonight I reminded my head why we must keep trooping on...I watched my little girl sleep for over a hour, she looks so peaceful and she tucks her hands under her cheeks. I stroked her hair back a little and checked she was breathing...as I do everynight. And it pains me to know she has a high risk chance of been bi polar like me. She already displays certain signs, but it could be down to hormones...but she's only 10 and rather meloncholy. She's happy when with me, we do little things like build warhammer models and play on the wii. I don't think I'm a very good mum, I wish I was like other mums...and I know i'm different...

I haven't really been to the docs for a few days, and they keep calling...if i don;t answer they will make me go to hospital again to assess my state...I'm just quiet thats all.
My family don't know how ill i am, and I won't be mentioning it anytime soon. The only way I can describe how i feel is this...on a high mood I hear tons of stuff in my head, but i zone out that one voice that eggs me on to be the life and soul, and talks you into wanting to do dangerous things...including drugs. Then as I am now the low mood, the crowd is all busy, can;t hear one particular voice, so you can't relax and feel compelled to listen to your mind....and it slowly makes you want to end everything to make it stop. There's more to it than that, but thats how my mind is.

On a lighter note I taught my dog a new trick, and she rolls over...only for bacon though...damnnit!!

So if you can understand a quiet, slowly going insane person then don't give me a call..you may be just as mental as me.

Quiet, tired, meloncholy and in need of TLC...

My sister is pregnant with her 3rd child, she's only 24...The one I thought had some sense..is as stupid as the other 2. I'm the odd one out, and I clearly know this. I am unlikely to have any more children due to some things, does it bother me? yep Do I cry over it? No. I have a 15% chance of carrying another child. Nice odds huh. I just hope my sisters count their blessings at some point...I doubt it...but still. I'm trying to get a career on track, I get good grades...yet because of my illness no one really wants to take you on. So yeah another sob story there for you....but I still realise I am lucky...Because I got me a 10 year old whos amazing. The only thing in my life worth a tear.

My ex just text me excited...because he got GTA...well I;m glad you fucking cocksucking wanker you can afford such luxuries, while me and MY daughter live off 75 quid a fucking week...knobhead. He pays no rent because he's at mummys, hes on around 270 a week...and I'm too nice to be shitty about stuff....I'm a fucking mug...all because I try to keep my baby happy.

Infact why do I bother even blogging this shit....as if anyone reads it.

OH LORDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, i am interrupting your day, and my mood to tell you about something...The most important package ever arrived today, been waiting 2 weeks. I am sat here at this moment tucking into what was in this package...god bless America...*sighs* Before you roll your eyes, bear with me here.

I don't like much breakfast cereal, but the ones I do like this country stop dishing it out...tossers! Like Golden Grahams...I hate cinnamon...ergh...and my ultimate fav LUCKY CHARMS!!!!!!!!! I am now eating said lucky charms as i type...i picked out the marashmallow bits aleady..*guilty look* The list is huge but in this package is :-

Cherry hersheys kisses *yummy..just tried one*
Blowpops *tried a cherry one*
Gummi worms *tried all colours*
Special editions Razzberry M & M's *not tried those yet*
Lucky Charms *2nd bowl*
Reeses peanut cups *not tried*
Oreo cakes *not tried..but dying to*
Jolly rancher Gummies *tried all flavours yummy yummy*
Peanut Butter M & M's *adorable.....goddamn*
Jolly rancher hard candy *not tried*
Soft batch cookies *waiting for daughter*
Golden teddies *not tried*

I have a problem though....I am quite sugar intolerant, so I had a few things and now I am shaking like a leaf, sweats and teeth chattering....but you what, its bloody worth it

I have no stomach acid, so the sugar goes into my bloodstream quicker, I'll not explain why, because I'm not ready to talk about that part of my life.
So to C who sent me that package, I love you to pieces, and it made this girl smile...and also feel like shes dying...but of happiness

I get caught up somedays in my whole crappy moods, not long now before my proper assessment...I had an assessment 2 years ago, but they wanted me on some stuff that made me zombiefied. So i finally get a new assessment to see how much meds I truly need. I found this list because my doctor gave me some websites for me to look at...but I said why? Because i already know how i feel...she said show family and friends why you are like you are....so this is a list you should never say to someone with severe bi polar disorder

* "What's your problem?"
* Will you stop that constant whining?"
* What makes you think that anyone cares?"
* "Have you gotten tired yet of all this me-me-me stuff?"
* "You just need to give yourself a kick in the rear"
* "But it's all in your mind"
* "I thought you were stronger than that"
* "No one ever said life was fair"
* "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps"
* "Why don't you just grow up?"
* "Stop feeling sorry for yourself"
* "There are a lot of people worse off than you"
* "You have it so good - why aren't you happy?"
* "What do you have to be depressed about?"
* "You think you've got problems..."
* "Well at least it's not that bad"
* "Lighten up"
* "You should get off all those pills"
* "You are what you think"
* "Cheer up"
* "You're always feeling sorry for yourself"
* "Why can't you just be normal?"
* "You need to get out more"
* "Get a grip"
* "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be"
* "Get a job"
* "You don't 'look' depressed"
* "You're just looking for attention"
* "Everybody has a bad day now and then"
* "Why don't you smile more?"
* "A person your age should be having the time of their life"
* "The only one you're hurting is yourself"
* "You can do anything you want if you just set your mind to it"
* "You brought this on yourself"
* "Get off your rear and do something"
* "Snap out of it"
* "You're always worried about your problems"
* "Just don't think about it"
* "Go out and have some fun"
* "Just try a little harder"
* "I know how you feel - I was depressed once for several days"
* "You'd feel better if you went to church"
* "Shit or get off the pot"
* "What you need is some real tragedy in your life to give you perspective"
* "This too shall pass"
* "Go out and get some fresh air"
* "We all have our cross to bear"
* "You don't like feeling that way? So change it"
* "You're a real downer to be around"
* "You are embarrassing me"
* "You'd feel better if you lost some weight"
* "You're too hard on yourself. Quit being such a perfectionist"
* "Don't take it out on everyone else around you"
* "You are going to lose a lot of friends if you don't snap out of this"
* "You're dragging me down with you"
* "You're just being immature"
* "You are your own worst enemy"
* "That is life - get used to it"
* "My life isn't fun either"
* "You don't care about the rest of us - you're so self-absorbed"

Do you know something...in my fucking life most of that shit has been said to me...because apparently I'm selfish, have tantrums, don't care about anyone, too emotional etc...Well fuck you all, I told you over and over I am ill, and I CANNOT stop been that way at times. I'm just happy there's people out there THAT DO understand my problem. You read my blog and you either think wow she's a moody cunt, or wow she's right, thing is living with this is not damn easy, fair enough people out there have way worse shit, but I am trapped with chemicals making my brain feel this way...you CANNOT CONTROL CHEMICALS ALONE!!!!!!!!!!! And anyone who fucking tells me they can control their "moods" hasn't got bi polar, or only has it mildly...I have asked 14 professionals if you can control bi polar fully yourself, and they all said if you have the mild form yes its easier, but with your condition no. So there you go. I wish i was "just" depressed, seriously, I would be able to slap the fuck out of myself to get me out of it....but right now I don't have "depression" I am certified as fucking mental...how nice.

I want to say to a couple of people fuck off and drop dead, but at the moment I can't let this out in person, I only got ranting here today because I was re reading a message someone sent me and It cuts me deep...so i taunt myself with it...like punishment, showing myself just what I am, and what i've become due to been ill.

One way to hurt me is to say what you feel in words, I find words the most powerful thing, and I get hurt by them more than anything...why? Because I'm a stupid cunt. I let a close few people get to me. Tossers. I've made a choice NO ONE else gets close from now on.

My Aussie friend called me last night, was nice to talk...although I didn't talk much. I say around 20 words a day lately....i just let others talk while I space out and think of ways to cut myself. I get a glazed expression...or vacant as my friend says.

P.S I love you

And I love NOT BOB's Avvie....will steal that sometime...

I sleep in the day and stay up all night, this has now become a routine, I feel tired yet I will lay there till 9 am, then go to sleep til 1 pm. I don't know why this sudden control set sleeping time, but I am trying to break it. So I'm off to bed after this.

I've lost my knack for writing, I lost the passion I think, the stuff I write is rather humourless. I found something I thought i'd lost...no not my mind, but a ring.

I often wonder what it would be like to just say everything on your mind....I could say I have tourettes.

I find my lack of drive, passion and eagerness quite disturbing, although i did manage to muster up enough energy to give my drunk neighbour the finger. That amused me for a few.

Well I'm out for the night, wish me luck...never know I might just drop dead.

Berry

Apparently this is what I regulary have, was better when I was left alone in my own group, I was happy. Suppose me writing about it is me now been "emotional"...I'm naive in my thinking and gullable....very gullable.

Well knobhead has just come to get my little angel...I feel even more depressed than I did 1 hour ago. I should eat, I don't even have £2 to my name, and I am running out of bread and milk. Not working is taking it's toll, I am getting no child support, and up to now I delude myself that it will "get better". Bolllocks, I've used this phrase for 13 years, and you know what...it hasn't got better. It's gradually got worse, and I've hit rock bottom numerous times.

My ex threatened me today which was interesting, getting used to that nowadays, then he's all nice when it's pick up daughter time, she wanted to go, it broke my heart, but I could do nothing but agree..I sometimes hate been timid. I wish I was in a high week, where I will stand my ground, but the real me is a shadow of that. I feel unprotected, when really like any woman I want to BE protected...not much to ask is it.

In person at the moment I am really quiet, shy and distant...my friend told me I seem really vacant...nice. I don't really care much for blogging, but I have to see how extreme my moods are. I don't really care much for anything, I have even stopped listening to music all day, I mostly just potter about...doing cleaning, chores or just basic crap i have to do. I don't think my meds are working at all.

Today I found my house phone in the fridge again...I have a big american style frdge/freezer and it's way bigger than me, I have to go on my tiptoes for the top shelf. So I must have placed it there after a convo with my mum....I don't remember doing so though.

that things are ok, I haven't eaten properly in 4 days, I feel miserable. I know why but I can't do shit about it. I let myself down in a huge way, so I have to make myself pay for that mistake. I wish I could turn the clock back every minute of every day at this moment in time. I wish I could say hey...I'm sorry we'll do it your way. I have these thoughts in my head and I can't sleep, if I'm honest I'm lying about sleep to everyone, they think i'm having some....not really I lay there running this situation in my head, and how i could have approached it differently....yet I didn't and it was me who fucked it up.

I'm a dickhead, simple as, I mess up too much, and I ended up wanting what was never real.

I frequent an online mafia game, I used to be a helper on one, and had fun, but realised cheating was rife...kind of deluded me after that. Been on this new one, and I'm kicking arse on it, helps when you are stressed. I like the name Autumn so thats the name I use.

I went for a job interview today, and it did not go well. I answered all questions, except one. Which in all honesty he was been a dick about. He was fishing about my personal life, and status regarding more kids, but doing it a round about way. He obviously wants a male for the role. Tosser.

I found myself bored today, so I sorted out my penny jar...I felt rich.

I'm quite depressed today, but in a funny way i'm bearing up quite well, I actually didn't mind cleaning the toilet...it's not like Shan's going to do it...

I need a haircut, as my hair is getting frizzy and too long.

I don't feel inspired to write today, because I am full of the "fuck you" stuff, and a little bit of woe on top.

Berry Fact....I have a secret....i don't have any feeling in 2 fingers on my right hand, due to my wrist bones having a condition called "ulner shortening" it's rare and i have no big bone poking out where my wrist is, hence why i wear bracelets. The smaller bone traps the nerves and gives me so much pain I sometimes wish I could chop my hand off....I've never admitted this before.

How do you begin to ever let someone in, when you do why do you instantly regret it...why do they say one thing and do another....why do they sometimes never chase you when you have those tears...why can't you ever accept the fact they think you are beautiful. I am battling with myself because I let some in close, and I feel it was my biggest downfall to date.

I never lied to anyone about me, I'm an emotional fucked up weirdo. If I cry in front of you it's because I feel I can do that, if I cry because of you it's because you got deep into me, I hate looking weak, and lately I have become that person. I hate myself, no i loathe myself with a passion, i stayed in the shower for 2 hours hoping to wash away the pain i feel...it's still there.

I have nothing to offer anyone...I live in this shell because I have to. I'm not suicidal or that depressed, just mad at myself for been a dickhead...

I think I should probably not discuss my current dilemmas, but might as well. Today I kind of feel like someone has bulldozed my entire life...I finally got my next appointment for the crazy people...13th May...I'm scared because this means I have to force myself to dissect my whole mood swings in front of a total stranger...and if I don't i'm royally buggered. So I have 3 weeks to make myself "open" fuckity fuck fuck....

I found out I'm actually in debt to the bank and I have no overdraft...shit. Some random person called me up at 9 am, demanding I give them my bank stuff, and password, I said who's this the fucking government? He said No whats the password on the account, I said you called me fucker, now call me when I'm in a better mood and when your attitude borderlines on nice.

*slams phone down* ok i lied it's a cordless so i pressed the button for put phone down...sheesh I felt so guilty just then!

I'm having worse nightmares than ever, they make me feel the pain sometimes, no idea why, but they are graphic and I feel like i'm actually there, so i wake up more tired than when I went to sleep. I'm scared to sleep sometimes, explaining this is hard.

I'm troubled every minute of the day, the more I get to sit and be quiet, the worse it is..I begin to think more things and then I can't stand it anymore so I have to think of ways to pass out...I don't tell anyone this but sometimes I would rather sleep in the day because my thoughts tend to be at the height of crazyiness in the day...I used to get drunk just to sleep, but then I found my dreams the worser place to be. I appear to be nice to some people, and yes I am, but I am a troubled person, with more in my head than I talk about.

I still worry about a person on my blogger friends list, I find myself reading what they say and then thinking more about stuff....maybe I just like how they write. I would never say who it is I'm talking about, because it suprises even me why I care...

My song collection has grown and I'm back onto metal, this is a relief for my daughter, as she said I was beginning to sound like a pansy...She's a very honest kid, maybe its because I had her young, maybe I'm young minded too, but somedays when I feel like I should just stay in bed and never wake up...she gives me that reason to nag...bless!

I miss my Aussie friend a lot, they were over here visiting a few weeks ago, and I want her to come back, she's been my online friend for 8 years, I met her the first time I used yahoo chat, which I would never ever dare venture into these days, We became friends, then wrote to each other, she's been over before, but seeing her again made me happy. I miss her hugs actually....

Berry fact....I have a set routine when it comes to making toast, if I break it I can't eat my toast.

Well I had some time away from the net, and tried to figure out my head, and life. I recently aqquired 3 people who desire me...how weird is that, I laugh....

I'm attempting to find a job...now this is laughable due to the fact, who the heck would be dumb enough to take on a bi polar, paranoid and weirdass person like me...I'm talking about in the accountancy world...seriously I do not tend to fit into the "norm" of what these uptight people are...I like to break the mold and show a bit of diversity. I love numbers always have, I love the way you have to tally everything up...now with computers the fun of it is at times taken out of it, but i'm still learning so I'm doing it the hard way...manual...how i love manual.

I've come to realise over the last two days, I'm not regular with anything, never noticed it when I had stuff to do, but sheer boredom and an interest in science made me think about certain habits....I could never do what that crazy bitch Gillian Mckieth does though...actually prodding and sniffing your shit...thats just fucking down right nasty!

I found myself reading the dictionary, I found some nice new words, that I shall be using during the week to confuse people, I'm not trying to belittle anyone, i'm just seeing what reaction I get..i really like the word trogladite...makes me think of something oddly amusing.

I tried out more science experiments, I wanted to see if my tortoise was a sweet tooth..I placed one cut strawberry on one plate and spinach on the other...now lately he's been lively..so I figured its been the variety and diet hes on...I later found out he just needed shit and was needing cold water....I will explain that later in the blog...anyways I placed Hermy (my tortoise) on the floor...he ran for the spinach, which surprised me because that fatboy adores strawbs....but this got me thinking...was it the mass that attracted him...as they are greedy little sods ya know. ..so I took away both plates and attempted said experiment with less spinach...and guess what the little shit went for strawbs...so this left me to the conclusion...no idea on if he is a sweet tooth, but he is a greedy get.

I bathed Hermy, as hes a med tortoise he has to be sprayed and have a bath once a week, keeps his skin nice. So i was cleaning him when he strained his neck right out...weird I thought until I realised the long poop...i sat him down and left him...talk about shitting on someone.

I've been tutoring the local kids lately...this happened by sheer accident, but one of my daughters friends had trouble with maths, and no one knew how to divide with grids etc...to be honest it's a complete piece of piss, so this kid asks me can i help...Muggins here all chilled out and bored shitless says yeah...so I got to work helping...then 45 mins later a knock a the door, a lad up the road needing help, so i talked him through, showed him easier ways. Now bless him, his mum made him bring me a thank you note around...i felt really special for 4 seconds...Today I helped 3 kids, so now i'm ending up maths tutor...I told one parent as she laughed saying ohh you should charge, and i said yes love and you already owe me £8..she thought I was joking, but then I said anymore next week and i might as well charge a fee...how they stopped laughing. Made my day...I think I'm evil?

I really hate bugs...its something I find creepy and I dream sometimes of been buried alive and bugs are entering my nose and mouth, then I end up half eaten alive...it's awful...so My daughter whom is a massive tomboy, she hangs with lads, builds dens, climbs trees(rather badly) and like looking under rocks for bugs...tonight we have in 4 tubs, a millipede(shes proud of this one) 4 snails...which she tends to kill by them drying out, 2 beetles (they look evil) and one odd looking thing that looks like a rolling piece of turd...infact it might just be that...who knows. She has them stack on my bloody table...I would release them but I am too scared to even venture near there. Although i want to dissect something....

I keep thinking about one of my blogger friends, I worry about them...god knows why as I hardly know them, yet I'm compelled to actually care for that human in a weird way...It will pass thank god.

Berry fact...I love aston martins, i hated james bond for using them, that fucker commercialised them...

Thinking about this new found calmness...Im really bored..I'm still on dial up, seeing as the money I am owed didn't arrive in my bank. I feel a bit deserted actually, think this is normal..I have so many emotions going through me, it's bizarre...nothing sinister, just I have a couple of problems that one way or another have to be resolved. Just wish I knew what I wanted...

Been with someone 11 years is a hard thing to go through, we met young, had a kid, yet I always knew i'd stay, because he was the only thing I felt I had at the time, my nan kicked me out due to some lies been told, i had just turned 17 and I felt I couldnt talk to my parents.....So I felt stuck with this one person, who for a while was great. Then they never truly understand your free spirit or why you get moods, so they make you dependant on them, and things happen...I ended up been someone who wasn't me anymore. I have often felt abandoned by people. So to counteract that I became what people wanted. But how long can you be that person before the real you who is screaming on the inside, has to be. I took it upon myself 3 years ago, to lose weight, gain confidence and be me...only this has been the cost of my relationship and in lots of ways many friends. I lost friends through gaining attention which they sometimes got, the jealousy started, but what amazes me, is that sometimes a smile attracts peoples attention, and yes when I go out i do smile a lot...not unless i'm in one of my "moods" I'm not pretty by any means, but I have nice eyes and a smile.

The reason I just talked about that was that for me my relationship has ended, it's dead, I cannot muster any feelings towards that one man. I have tried over the last year to be what he wanted, and it made me feel utterly numb. Which is how i feel a lot of the time, is this normal? I cut most of my family off, and I did it with ease 12 years ago. I do not miss time with them or their attention, and the doctor brought this up, asking do i often cut people off so easily...and my answer was yes. She now wonders if this is to do with my condition...personally I just think thats me as a person anyway...you hurt me I cut you off.

I don't feel like writing anymore tonight, just not in me and I'm sure no one really reads this anyway.

Berry fact My favourite band of all time is kasabian, see them live as often as I can...weird really seeing as i prodominantly love metal.

It's been a quiet day, I made a list of stuff I'd like to sort out...some things I could do within the next few weeks, so I am doing so. I have 3 job interviews this week, not going to tell them I am ill....this tends to rule me out for any job, plus now i'm calm and will be for a while now. It's nice, today I actually took a walk in the park with the dog, it's been weeks since I last did that.

I found out after my recent mania, I'm highly in debt, which is not nice for me...

I noticed when i'm happier the sun shines more...like now here it's sunny and I actually feel ok

My neighbour asked if i was ok today, i replied yes...and that was that...

Today was a good day...up to now.

TWATS...I am on dial up as we speak, because I have to pay my bill...yet they keep my phone line on, go figure? So I'm taking an opportunity to use said phone line and pay the bill tomorrow...Which i may add has NOT arrived...so I have told them if they don't sort their admin out maybe someone from the middle east should.

I have been reading all day, so I feel pretty chilled, and thanks mum.... *hugs*

Good day considering virgin...

Shanna and I made oreo milkshakes, and I had one sip and was shaking for 2 hours, I hate this sugar intolerance...really sucks ass.

Why do I write sometimes, I don't know. But tonight it became apparent why I don't get chatty with people personally...because after a while they become ignorant cunts...they think they have you "sussed" or have had what they "need" from you. I've decided I won't be answering anyone, not unless I feel you're worth it. Because frankly I seem to be the shit on your shoe....I'm maybe been paranoid, and at the moment I'm quite chilled out. No anger...just saying what I think.

Why is it the bigger the slut you are, the more people seem to like you? I ask this because of one forum I frequent....is it the tart with a heart thing...or a pretty face?

I think I killed my daughters sunflower...she's at her dads tonight...so how do i get a new one before lunchtime tomorrow? the one she's got is about 6 inches high...

Joe Won yay! I got the excited call from TJ...crazy man...go celebrate with your cuz...and i shall talk to you in 4 days!

Ok I'm sorry ok...I admit I was wrong...I admit I shouldn't have eaten the extra pringle, or the gingerbread man(which was yummy by the way) I'm sorry that even when you protest, I ignore you and do my own thing...

I'm also sorry for the times I've woke you up at night with my pacing, and then the extra munching on top...I know that annoys you. You have been good to me, and I am pretty selfish...but today you showed me why I should listen to you.

I'm sorry hips...I know you don't lie....I apologise dear dear hips...

*breaks fucking weighing scales*

There we go...I HAVE NOT PUT ON 2 lbs!!!

I blame pringles...I can't eat chocolate makes me seriously ill, but I can eat prawn cocktail pringles...god they are sooooo lush! Fucking things..

Or it's my monthleys...one or the other

I have been reading various emails and blogs from yesterday, I vaguely remember putting my picture up....and then realising I hope it wasn't the smiling one...I look like I'm about to kill someone..looks like a Wednesday Addams smile..well anyways it's saturday and I'm staying in. After the last 3 weeks I've just had I feel it's just a lot safer to stay in. I decided I'm not taking anymore meds, because I seem to verge on psychotic on the buggers. Someone said I looked younger than 28....a lot of people think this and half the time I cannot get a drink without I.D.

I always wear a hat...just because I suppose i like to hide. And I lost my thick hair because of some stuff...its getting back to how it was but taking ages. As I write this I'm actually pretty upset, but as my kid just told me, hey at least it's a feeling, want me to punch your arm...I said NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...she hurts when she punches....yep I'm a wuss

I have these constant battles with myself...Is it wrong to just want a hug from the opposite sex...and if not how could I do so without him wanting to touch my tits? I'm lonely if I'm honest, but not lonely enough to turn to my ex best friend at this point in time...The lesbian..

Berry fact...I found out I also hate the smell of cranberries with a passion...

After todays really weird day, I'm having some random thoughts...

I don't feel like sharing them...

is it normal to be smitten by someone just by their words? Just something my friend text me, so I said why u asking me that? He said he's been reading my blog and never realised i had so much going for me....cheeky cunt...is all i could muster.
I was tempted to post a picture of me, just to show u people who to avoid while in yorkshire...but not sure...

I think today i offically let my illness take me over just about fully...what a pussy I was. It's like someone took the key to mind and heart...felt awful.

I nearly caused a problem between me and him...but luckily he's really understanding and rides out my moods. How long can a placid person stay that way? I don't want him to go before we've even started, I still don't know where we are heading, but the way he soothes me is nice. He tells me no one else can take him away, but I'm skeptical, I feel bad that I doubt him. I doubt everyone, yet I find it easier to doubt someone trying to get closer that normal. I tried a few times to turn my back, and say it was just a friendship...easy to do that...yet this one won't let me do that.

If the situation were different I'd be more calmer about stuff....I sometimes tell him we can't do this, and he reassures me...makes my mind and soul want a whole lot more...makes me want to do things I never do. Why can one person intoxicate you like that? I've never had that before, and I'm finding it mind blowing yet scary at the same time. We are both single so it's no problem....but I feel there is a problem. Me. I tell myself i can't love him...yet my heart is telling me otherwise...I was with someone for nearly 11 years, so I wasn't looking...you came into my life unexpected...I am trying to go with the flow...you are the calmer one of us. I need that so desperatly...I can only ever say sorry for how I am sometimes...although it's never towards you, you have to see nevertheless...I am scared to love you...I am scared to love anyone.

Ok first things first, I am in a really pissed off aggrivated mood, I won't tone this fucker down, sorry but i won't, I gave it a warning because if anyone gives me shit and bitches about this, and trust me pussy motherfuckers do, I will let rip....

MSN is such a stupid bastard I just about threw my lappy into kingdom come...the only thing that stopped me, was remembering my dickhead ex breaking my most cherished HP...I fucking hate this piece of shit sony vaio, but still it works. But msn can kiss my fucking royally fat fucking arse today.

Jevo's...for fucks sake the next one to darken my doorway will get a nice golf club around the head, when you're off on one...the only thing you do is this...call the doc, because frankly you can't stop how you feel. So I was all set to go to the docs at 1 30 pm, when what the fuck...this stupid cunt decides to go on about religion to me...please oh fucking please not when i'm in a shitty mood....So i said you either step away from my personal space and front garden or else I will say stuff you will regret...then he says they can " save" me...that sent me clean over the bastard edge, I said you cannot save someone who fucking sold her soul to pimps, druggies and the devil in return for sex, drugs and eternal damnation...so fuck off before I wrap a baseball bat around your bastard head. He said I gues i caught you at a bad time...YOU DON'T FUCKING SAY KNOBHEAD!

My ex...ok lately I tolerate him, he's a good dad lucky right? This is only because he still wants me, he never actually gives a shit about MY daughter, it's more to get in my good books, so today this motherfucker has had my wrath. He called me during my "mid pissed off" mood, to tell me about his new job....what the fuck do i wanna know for? I'm broke as fuck anyway, and he owes ME money...so he says its packing and I'm dyslexic, I says why didn't you tell them that, and he says he froze....so this got to me...I let rip, and you know what I let fucking rip good style. this is what I said, and bear in mind he cried. Fucking pussy.

Me: "Well tell them then, stop been a fucking pussy, I'm not there to hold your hand, we broke up, and what will your excuse be eh? because "Mr King of all excuses" they know we aren't together...oh and that's because you have to broadcast every detail of the so called relationship we had...so mr fucko, why didn't you step up for once to ANOTHER MAN, and tell him that you can't do the job..."
Knobhead: "I just couldn't...don't shout at me"
Me: " Oh fuck off, to be honest I have enough in my head to explode and right now I want to be left alone, go and talk to your mummy, because you can't use me as your fucking excuse mate."

Berry hangs up and punches wall!

I'm not here to sort out peoples problems, because I have this chemical inbalance problem, that frankly I have no idea how to control, and I am on so many different types of shit that I keep taking the wrong shit...I want to get high, because it's the only time I am truly at ease with my mind. We all normally have our everyday problems in our heads, then we have the extra stress of work, family and stuff...but on top of that a bi polar person is constantly battling themselves, life and conscience and they can't stop it...you can't think, you hear so many conspiracy things, that you begin to believe your family is wanting to take your kid...You verge on sheer insanity, now me and a few people joke about bi polar, but on a truly fucking bad day, you cannot cope...I cannot cope. My head is such a fucking mess has been all day, I will be calmer tonight, but now it's a mess.

Unfortunatly while I can be a cool person, I am infact a manic depressive, so I feel really doomed to ever having true happiness with love and all the trimmings. Hence why I should stay single.
This is how bad my mania is today, the doc has put me on all new meds called zyprexa...fuck knows what these do, but she made me have one in her office...fucking bitch. Probably wanted to kill me.....well a hour later I'm not dead yet.

I wish some people in my life would either stop talking or live with the fact what they say their actions have reprecussions...Just like my mouth does, but I don't care if I lose friends, I don't care if no one likes me, because if they walk away so easy then FUCK THEM...Wankers.

And today I feel like this...why? I don't fucking know, this is my condition. And the sooner certain people understand I don't have "depression" the fucking better.

On lighter note where is the spell check on here....

I wrote these and actually I have written them for one person, so tough now I declaring it.

To You...

You make my heart sing everyday
You show me love in every way
Why do you love me, what do i do?
Do i make you feel loved too?

I feel so happy with you around
You keep my feet on the ground
One look from you i feel so good
You love me like a lover should

Intertwine

I think of your body upon mine
Your hands they touch and trace a line
You make me gasp and say your name
You have my soul and made me tame

You take control of who i am
I know our love is not a sham
You make me feel a part of you
You pull me in and show me too

I’m in awe of you I’m part of you
I do whatever you want me to
You love me, show me what is real
You show me what it’s like to feel.

The blog name is because I like the word vortex and reminds me of B (weaponsgrade)then kestrel made me smile by using spores...and been mardy is my favourite yorkshire phrase, and it reminds me of northernangel (she is a rare one who knows what it means).

I still feel like utter poop, but I'm in a good mood..why you may ask, i'm just lucky thats all. Not lucky when it comes to money, lifestyle, looks or most stuff...but because I have been told I have beautiful eyes and some other stuff, that I won't get into. Because I think my mum reads this.... mum

Most people have the fake niceness, that pisses me off, and I do know who those people are, some have the genuine niceness, that I tend to gravitate to...although I still keep a certain distance. I can't pick and choose certain things from life, and half the time I won't just settle for second best, so instead I will go without. This can be a lonely way to be, but I like it.

I have the most beautiful daughter in the world, she has this amazing personality, that is clever, and is a smart arse...reminds me of myself some days. She's been through a lot of shit, and tends to shy away from stuff, and I hate seeing that happen, so maybe I think I have caused that, but I prefer she is wary of people. Sounds bad, but been too trusting as I have been growing up, leads you to have a really fucked up outlook on just about everyone that crosses your path. I can never tell her how proud I am, because I don't know how to...I show it in other ways, I would never like to pressure her to be something she is not, although she is capable and bright enough to go to Uni. Someone actually asked me why I never mention my daughter much...because in all honesty, when I'm pissed off, she is never one to piss me off, she makes me smile instead. I can never ever tell her enough how much I love her because my heart wants to burst when I feel it. When she was born, all night i had her with me in bed and I stared at her for 5 hours....I was amazed some stupid fuck like me could have such a beautiful little being. And for me I will always put her first.

wow i got mega serious there...see even people like me aren't always bitter.

There is now a special person coming into my life, and who knows where it will lead...I'm happy and it's just nice. I am blessed with the friends I have around me too...not many, just a couple. There's other people I keep at arms length, and then there's you...who for some reason likes reading my random crap. Have I disappointed you today, maybe so but I have up and down moods, and today is just a nice mood.

Berry fact...I'm considering cutting off a friend because she says she is in love with me

*Edited at 7 pm* I'm turning into a wuss...seriously...what is it with me and fucking love songs today...quick someone send me some metal tunes to download..

And I'm listening to The Delfonics...Hey Love...I'm turning GIRLYYYYYYYYYYY

A vampire, I'm sure of it, I sleep all day, and stay awake all night. Especially at weekends, I prefer the nighttime...at the moment I am really ill with flu, anemia and monthleys...I feel really washed out, and my sense of humour has taken a huge detour. I quite like Beechams all in one, it tastes nice and makes me feel really floaty when i drink half a bottle...apparently it has 8 doses...could have fooled me. Combine that paracetamol and iron tablets, i'm feeling quite chilled out

I'm having really graphic dreams about Pantera, well Phil Anselmo...they are pretty wild in all honesty...weird! He's fine as fuck...shame he's more near my dads age.

I'm staring at the pic...anyways back to the whole vamp thing, I quite like this idea of 24 hour shops, because then I could get a night job, and then sleep all day. I hate the sun anyway, I adore autumn my favourite time of the year. I like the early dark days, I'm less depressed, now the days are lighter I'm increasingly morbid...odd huh?

I have a thing for Al Green, odd because I'm mostly a metal head, but this mans silky voice has made me chill out all day today, how do you mend a broken heart...is a really great tune, the lyrics are amazing. I love music, I love N*E*R*D they have a new album out soon Thats made Miss Berry happy chappy...See I think this has been my most bizarre posting ever, I'm so fucked up on meds, I'm talking a whole lotta crap! Funny all the same.

Maybe I've just finally lost my mind? YOU WISH!!

Berry Fact...My goal in the next 4 years is to own a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes....

You didn't let me down, because I had no faith in you in the first place. I expected you to do what you did, so don't worry about it. I am still ok today, I know that later my real friends and family will be there, just for me to be me. No drama, no stress, I wing my moods, you just don't understand me. Just like I will never understand you.

I am loved by the very few people I want to be loved by, and along the way I am meeting like minded people along the way...a few on my blog friends list to be honest.

I am stronger than you seem to think, I battle things mostly on my own...you think I can't cope, yes I can, I just let my true feelings out here and to people I trust.

So to whom is this post to...my conscience? myself? or you the reader?

I know who this is to, and it's to someone who knows me in person...no one online.

I am my own worst enemy somedays, and somedays it is better to keep that enemy as close as poss. Because for every TRUE person in your life, you have 5 enemys waiting to bring you down.

I have lost my love altogether for ice hockey, and this has killed me in a way...but i figured I could always support Hull, thats where a lot of my ice hockey friends are anyway. The steelers lost their joy for me a while ago, and I think it's when I realised Hull stingrays were the underdog, underpaid, overworked and low budget. People in Sheffield are spoilt and always relive the glory days...well how about changing your attitudes...I don't fit in there. Never did when I went as a teen, never will as an adult.

Berry fact....I'm very supple for a fatgirl, can cross my legs, do yoga and even nearly the crab...but I can't get me arse back up....

I'm not much into gossip, so i'll not repeat the stuff about my neighbour. Just thought I'd tell you i'm not. Today I haven't eaten so good, and I'm pretty down, so those words "cheer up" actually made me want to kill the person who said those two little words.
I'm not suicidal nor am I incapable of not actually moving, today I just wish people would give me a wide berth, leave me the fuck alone and stop asking me questions I really don't give a crap about...like this one....

Neighbour: "Hi Carla, did you see my new man?"
Me: "Nope"
N: "Oh he had the red beemer"
Me: "and?"
N: "Cheer up, it might never happen."
Me: "Yeah it has, you spoke to me"

She stood there a bit gobsmacked, she's lucky I actually didn't say fuck off...This woman pisses me off, her kid pisses me off...she had weightloss surgery at £8000 and she was only 15 stone...apparently. She wasn't as fat as me, and in all honesty, she's not going to be pretty no matter what she does. Now I say this, I'm not superficial, but her personality shines through to me, so I find her ugly in every way possible. Personally if she had a prob with her weight, then maybe she should stop going to the ice cream man 2 times when hes on our street.

I can tolerate some stuff today, just not stupid people. I don't really know what else to blog about, because at the moment I'm keeping a lot bottled up.

Name: Carla!
Birthday: 16th November
Birthplace: Sheffield
Current Location: Surburban hell
Eye Color: Blue
Hair Color: Brunette
Height: Short arse...5ft 4
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right
The Shoes You Wore Today: D & G white with army type laces.
Your Weakness: Flattery or my daughter
Your Fears: The dark, heights and failure
Your Perfect Pizza: banana and pineapple
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Better job
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: LOL and
Thoughts First Waking Up: Shit I'm alive
Your Best Physical Feature: Eyes
Your Most Missed Memory: If I knew I wouldn't miss it
Pepsi or Coke: None, at a push coke
MacDonalds or Burger King: Burger King
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla
Do you Smoke: Nope
Do you Swear: fuck no...erm...yes...
Do you Sing: yes
Do you Shower Daily: yes
Have you Been in Love: I believe so
Do you want to get Married: No
Do you belive in yourself: NO!!!!
Do you think you are Attractive: LMAO fuck no
Are you a Health Freak: no..I'm a fat twat
Do you play an Instrument: yes a few
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Yep
In the past month have you Smoked: Nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs: Yep
In the past month have you gone on a Date: Nope
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: YES!!!!!
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: No...erghhhh
In the past month have you been on Stage: Yes to get a drumstick
In the past month have you been Dumped: Nah
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: are you nuts...this would scare the local folk
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Hell no
Ever been Drunk: often
Ever been called a Tease: Often!
Ever been Beaten up: yep
Ever Shoplifted: once
How do you want to Die: High on cocaine and drunk on tequila
What country would you most like to Visit: Canada
In a Boy..
Favourite Eye Color: Blue
Favourite Hair Color: Not sure
Short or Long Hair: Not bothered
Height: taller than me
Weight: Not Skinny...hate skinny men
Best Clothing Style: casual
About you
Number of Song I own: 5896
Number of Piercings: 4
Number of Tattoos: 1
Number of things in my Past I Regret: Most of them

Reason I named this post that is because they don't make sense....same as the morning I just had.

If someone says they read your blog, then the next min they don't...what do they mean? If someone says they don't know what love is, then says I hurt them, what does it mean? I am confused as shit by people....I am pretty stupid to be honest. I try and be just me, yet it's not enough. I cannot be friends with a guy and love him, because apparently that means we are fucking.
Why can't you people out there in the world just be fucking honest, blunt or straight to the point, why must it be cryptic stuff...I DO NOT fair well with cryptic messages.
I'm in a good mood still, but had a cry earlier, was better to let it out.

People are two faced, I found this out today in a bad way...and I came to realise why I only trust a handful(if that) of people..I sometimes read back what I've written in previous weeks, but not because I think yeah I'm great, but because I see at times I have a very biased view on matters....as we all do when it's our point of view. But does this mean what i am writing isn't the truth...no, it means it's the truth from my perspective. Today i felt like this has been taken away from me, and I feel pretty cut up about it. I don't write this for people to use against me, I write it to get my own feelings out, because as I keep saying...I do not feel like shit most weeks out of choice...I don't have "depression" I feel like i do because of the way my body pumps out fucked up hormones. Please understand this.

I love my daughter, yes I hate most people, yes I sometimes wish I could change stuff, just like most people do...Yet when I feel like I have lost the will to live, I think of one thing, and while my own mind and body is willing me to do those things, I think of my kid. Thats fucking willpower...I DO NOT want to feel like I do. I despise it. My mum goes through more pain than I can ever imagine, I sometimes wish i could take everyones pain away, but I can't, and while I am battling my own illness, please don't take away the fact I am battling this slowly and without pressuring my own family.

I'm kind of tired of pouring my heart out and then people knowing me, or thinking they do. To look at me in the street, you wouldn't look twice, maybe at bus stops you would strike up a convo, but overall, I too am just a nobody. Only for once in my wank life i choose to stand up and let myself be heard.

Before I start, let me tell you I am often awake at 8 am...but rarely do I ever wake up like this...ready to write.
Ok from reading yesterdays blog you know I was high the night before...I mean proper high...horny, tripping and floating like some spaceman on a rock. Usually I feel the bi polar high, which is actually rather similar to the "E" high...but without the whole trippy stuff...hmm saying that though and reading my other posts...i wonder
Anyways I'm wandering off topic slightly, yesterday i was really damn mellow, it was totally refreshing....I went to bed at 11 30 pm, do you know how rare that is for me? The biggest shock was I just slept the whole bloody night with no nightmares!!
Seriously I should possibly consider on my next mania high actually partying one night on substances that make you trip the hell out, because the next few days you sleep, eat, and actually feel like your mind is at ease...
I've woken up in a good mood, chilled out and actually wanting to decorate my bedroom.. I was trying to figure out my new self this morning, but kind of gave up, because I don't feel like analysing stuff today

Do you think maybe I fried a few of the "mental" braincells? I figure this won't last and should just go with the new found flow...until I feel back to the "messed" up me.

I decided at 7 30, that my daughters school lunch would be something different...she's not impressed..mardy arse! So I just made her sanwiches again...jeez I made some groovy pasta too...Apparently though the sweet chilli just killed it for her...I forgot she hates chilli...Ok...I didn't forget I just fancied some myself
Is it blog etiquette to not talk about pooping habits? Hmm maybe I should just leave that out. Yep yep...lets just say after the weekend, everything is "flowing"

I'm on a mission to use all the smileys this week. Think it can be done? Do you really care? Tune in later to find out....

Top 10 list of songs to listen to

Disturbed - Down with the sickness
System of A Down - Chop Suey
Staind - schizophrenic conversations
BuckCherry - Crazy bitch
Ghostface Killah - Shakey Dog starring Lolita
Ghostface Killah - Jellyfish
Floetry - Hey You (the live version, the normal is wank)
Nine inch nails - closer
Olav Basoski - waterman
Jazmine Sullivan - Prototype (prefer her version over outkasts)

This is how eclectic my music taste is sometimes...I'm in a really cool mood...wish I had money!

Berry Fact....I'm nothing special, but seem to have turedn a few ex's and friends into obsessive people....weird.

I went out last night to pick up a cd from a band, I was helping them with a lyric issue, and decided I'd stick around with a few friends. One of them been a friend for 3 years, she brought her boyf's friend we shall call him N. After the band had played i went to talk to them about what they needed me to write and what needed tweaking, it was cool, I was ok, drinking just water. My friend asked if i wanted a drink, she was buying a round, so I said yeah, now normally I never let anyone touch or buy me a drink without me actually been stood with them...I'm paranoid and feel that people cannot be trusted. But tonight for some reason I was too busy jotting notes about this new tune.

What happened last night has probably changed my world quite a bit.

My friend brought over a vodka and redbull, I rarely drink nowadays, and when I do it's one or 2 to get a buzz. I trusted this girl, she's never given me reason not to, and she's always been a good friend....this was my biggest fucking mistake. I finished the drink and the club was filling up, I started feeling really weird, so I had extra water, and felt kind of out of it...so I'm starting to think it was my meds and the vodka...but I forgot to take my meds yesterday, so I was beginning to trip...The guy with me and my friend S, he was acting possessive, and following me, and if people i knew chatted, he was telling them to fuck off. This freaked me out and I told S(my friend) that N's attitude wasn't normal. She said oh he likes you. My other friend kerry was with us, and she was flirting with N and he seemed to like me...but was snogging her, to my relief.

I was feeling really dizzy at 12 30 am, and everything was a fucking blur, so I told Kerry I wanted to go home, but she was with N, who was trying to pull me by the waist to dance, so i told him to get the fuck off me. S was been all huggy, and I realised they were all high on pills, which in turn they had spiked my drink with one. I was asking Kerry to take me home, but she wasn't listening and was trying to get me involved in this stuff with N. At around 1 45 am after been so out of it, I found one of the band I know, and got them to take me home. I was at home tripping so bad, that I was in bed all today shaking and wishing I wasn't such a fucking moron, and that one lapse of concentration nearly got me into a whole heap of shit.

Today Kerry came over, with S and it is the 3rd time in my life I have actually punched someone in the face. My hand hurts, I hate everyone and I am sick of people thinking I'm so dumb shit, who wouldn't actually retaliate.

I won't be going out anymore, because I'm done with it.

Today I noticed some really great blogs in the top lot...made my day

I also got inspired by someone today, because of something she said....reading her blog it made me think do all 27, 28, 29 year olds all reach a pinicle in their lives that it's either make or break...we all make decisions but best for who? Ourselves or other people, that is what I am figuring out at the moment.

There's always an air of the whole "he said she said bullshit" when been with various people in life, and today I have suffered due to this....I tend to keep myself to myself in all social situations...on here I vent my spleen, not because I want to entertain people, but because it is the only way I can actually stop bottling shit up. I am pretty tired of volitile people too, so I am surrounding myself with people who know how I feel, but don't flake out when stuff gets rough, or they can't handle a friendship. That will probably upset someone, but that someone has to realise that it's hard for me to just be....wish you understood that.

I can't help but wait sometimes, just to see how mental I can be.

Word of the day is Mardy...Yorkshire word for a moody person

Pissed off list today is

Myself
kids bullying
bbc
gossips
milk
buses

I would tell you why im pissed off, but i thought the summary would be sufficient.

The real blog

The weekend is in our midst...nice.

The news is crazy lately...shame I don't take much notice.

Word of today is Fodder...i find it funny as hell, I know what it means, google it for yourself if you don't. Also I find it funny that my american friends have no clue what I mean when i say daft...makes me smile.

My pissed off list is...

the bbc,
local job centre,
direct debits
Little bitch who lives across the road
anyone who doesn't read blogs properly and not realising I WASN'T generalising everyone in one catergory.

my new blog

This afternoon I decided with my premature leaving of class today i'd try some experiments out. One being what runs faster, the tortoise or a spider...I caught a huge ass spider and got my little tortoise out, he's been a moody shit lately, so i decided i'd let him have his favourite food...strawberries, can't let him have too many as it's like an equivalent to 4 take aways for us.

Anyways I had him all set and let the spider go...oddly enough the tortoise ran across the room, so i poked the spider, who just waited then dashed up the wall...so the winner was hermy. Spiders are dumb...it's all i can say...

The 2nd fun experiment I tried was holding smelling an apple while eating a pear...it tasted like pear...so no idea why it was supposed to remind me of apples...fucking scientists know shit...

The 3rd was a rocket I made, i put in baking soda and it flew 2 feet up in the air, then hit me on the head...

I've come to the conclusion I prefer chemistry out of all sciences, and I do not ever wish to use my pets again, as the dog tried to bite the tortoise...whom in turn bit the dog.

Im on some weird ass meds called Ativan...they make me feel like im floating around the house...I actually debated whether or not i was dead...so to test this out I bit my tongue...you know what...it bloody hurt.

Berry fact....I hate wearing socks, I do not own a pair and never will, they make me feel sick when i touch socks...I hate people touching my feet with socks on...

Normally today I am at college, and I was up until 10.43 am.....

I've been high the last 2 weeks, but since I started on some new meds I've hit earth with a massive bump...This morning I knew I was pissed off, but took it as a "woman been moody" thing...I got on the bus, and I got to class, this one person said something so fucken stupid I had to sit elsewhere for fear of throttling her. I was asked why and what was wrong, I just said "I feel out that way" which was the truth. AS the morning went on I felt more and more pissed off, I don't know why. I can't control how I feel...I can't suddenly feel ok, I just have such a problem that no matter what I do, I will always be a manic depressive. So a quiet girl left the class, and this other girl started bitching about her, I sat there listening to J totally rip into G and I finally had had enough, and said some bad bad shit. I was asked to calm down, and that the class had enough stress, so i said to Rachel, my tutor, "Tell you what, why don't you fuck off too" To which I realised was awful to say, so I got my bag and left...I have never ever disrespected anyone like that before, so i went to see my doc. They have put me on sedatives and some other shit. Apparently this will keep me "calm" In all honesty I kind of would go past caring if I didn't have a kid...and somedays I consider she might be better off without me...but if anyone must screw her up...I should get the priviledge

I'm also sick of things in my personal life, that I have cut certain things and people out of it, so that I would feel better, and this works for someone like me. I can't help feeling like this, I asked the doctor yet again, and she says I can't do very much to control my chemicals, it's just how my dna is. I get tired somedays of people who are just "depressed" they can get out of it if they really try, I tried a talk group, to find most were fucken depressed...wow I wish I was only depressed... I am battling Bi polar disorder, which through no fault of my own, I can't get rid of. I battle this by myself, as my family live down south, and my ex is my ex...although he can be a good help where our daughter is concerned, that I am grateful for.

I'm not a fucken pussy who lets this take over, but for today I am so fucken angry with everything, that I don't really care who I upset....

See it's never been a big issue before, because I used to stay in the house for months on end, but now I have commitments I can't do that anymore.

Will anyone read this...do i really care? at this moment in time, I couldn't give a rats ass..I just hate been this way, I hate been me, and I hate people fucking with my head and heart.

To Mum, thank you for been more understanding, I need that.
To First, thank you for been you and showing me what a true friend is.
To Alucard, thank you for making me smile with music.
To Shanna, I love you so much, I will try and smile tonight!
To Carl, thank you for been a friend.

To everyone else, if I didn;t mention you its either because you never really give a shit about me, or you just haven't upset me or made me smile today.

I HAVE AN EXAM NEXT WEEK...today was my mocks...I'm going to fucking fail...woohoo!!!

this is how i feel, this is how he makes me feel somedays....

You never notice me at all
You wouldn’t notice if i fall
I try to show i care for you
I don’t know what else to do
Theres only so much i can say
Theres only 24hours in a day
I know you will never really see me
I know its how it will always be
Just know that I have love for you
I hope one day you’ll love me too

We drew..better than nothing...BEATTIE rocks!!! bet we lose him next season...hope not. My friend Mark is all hyper tonight, big shout out to him...he reads this sometimes. *hugs*

As for everything else, life sucks...sucks a lot....I'm screaming inside...but smiling on the outside...it's what we do right?

On a more lighter note I managed to get the rest of my stuff into the bin after ramming the crap in with a plank.

It's a big night tonight, A Sheffield footy derby...My beloved Blades against the "pigs" the Owls...COME ON YOU BLADES!!!!!!!!!!!! I want it to be 2-0, first person to score Billy Sharp. And if any of you are footy fans the title of this post is for the sheffield united fan song!! Wish I was going....

I'm bored shitless, and the stuff I have had to do, I got done early...so I decided to do 2 lists...

Top 5 things that make me smile...

#1 My daughter...this kid does armpit farts in the most unusual places, like the job centre...
#2 Horror Films...I laugh my arse off at horror films, went to watch the SAW series at the cinema, in fits of laughter...not many people tend to laugh...odd!
#3 Farting...it's just plain funny..although I never fart in public or so anyone can hear..just find it amusing when others do
#4 Flowers...not that I get any, but when i buy them for myself it's really nice
#5 Gucci Envy me...MY fav perfume..the smell alone lifts my mood.

Top 5 things that piss me off this week (up to now)

#1 My boobs....mind of their fucking own springs to mind
#2 Virgin Media...couldn't organise an orgy at a brothel springs to mind
#3 Couples...Would have been number one if I hadn't witnessed an argument with one..but still lovey dovey people make me sick into my mouth...PDA's suck!
#4 Neighbours kids...for fucks sake my kid isn't playing out as she is SICK!! God they knocked 14 times yesterday, do they not understand english?
#5 Phones...I threw mine against the wall this morning, it didn't break..shame.

I woke up in a completely good mood, checks my mobile phone, nothing...odd, normally I have nice texts and sometimes dumb ones...the joke ones that you have seen a hundred times, but still make you smile, because you're a bit daft and find certain childish things amusing...maybe thats just me. I got sweet F.A (fuck all) this morning...so I goes to brush the furry mouth..then I hear *ding*...this is my messaging beep...i cannot stand stupid tones, they piss me off, I like it to just ring and beep...the stupid ass shit people use is enough for me to think tosser...anyways back on subject! It's my ex, now usually we exchange a, can I pick the daughter up text, which i say yes or no..I'm pretty chilled and let him see her whenever, because I'm not some bitch. Well today was different, and the reason being is this, I found out some stuff this weekend, and let's just say I'm not pleased.

I trust no one completely, I never let people fully into who I am, I never let them know more than they need to, because in all honesty people are wankers, they use information when needed to throw in your face...I started to trust my friend of 2 years lately, only to find out she gave my ex her number. Now you might think I'm been jealous, but they aren't fucking (not that i'm aware of) But he texts her to get me to go out, I found this out when she was telling me last night about something, and I said oh yeah Carl wants me to go out, but told him to keep out my business...only for her to fuck up and say, yeah he text me about it....So i said woah woah woah...he text you? She said yeah but he's only got my number because you left it on that phone...i said how could i have...its your new number, and you've only had it 17 days...I haven't had that phone cunto has got for 6 months...She then started saying some shit and changed the subject. So this weekend I learnt that people are fickle, users, liars and say a lot of shit that frankly is not true. This morning he has text me saying how he never texts my friends etc, you know what I have replied back to him and said?

Absolutly nothing, you want to know why? Because I have kind of lost faith in the people around me, and also whats the point? I don't care that he does that, I cared that she always replied back to him. That for me is the loyalty gone.

So can someone tell me, who the fuck is loyal? Why on this green bastard earth should I ever trust anyone? Simple, I probably won't now, because no matter who, friends or family, people wait to see you either trip up, or pounce on you to fuck you over. Now do you see why I am jaded with life?

Berry Fact 1005 I find Jim Carrey a boring actor, same fucking thing every film. With the exception of number 23...although even then he still reminded me of every other part he has played. My kid adores him, I loathe him..

Fucked up weekend, fucked up start to the week, and I hate everyone. I do not want double glazing fucking windows, no i don't want to renew my car insurance...on a car I don't have, and no I don't want to buy an E tablet, because i'm fucking nuts in the head as it is. I would tell you how I truly felt if I knew you would even give a crap...Oh and when oh when will virgin send me a bill BEFORE cutting me off...tossers.

I decided on something today, that for one week I'm going without meds....just to see how crazy i can feel. Let the games begin.

On a more lighter note, I learnt today that no matter how much you try you cannot fit more than 4 black bags full of rubbish into a wheelie bin...I got my kid jumping on it, my dog was in it...just would not play ball.

Berry fact 1004 I vent on here because I have no idea how to vent my anger in person...

Thats all for now, nothing to see here move along.

I have tons of questions, and some days I try to find out the answers, sometimes I will research with google, at times I will gain that knowledge by chatting to some people...but not in the way you think, I rarely will chat to people in person by walking up to them, they tend to bug me. People all have a use, and some need to feel reassured by anyone. These are the people I tend to get talking to me on the bus, at the bus stop or when i'm out. I intently listen, and at times say something to reassure said person i am listening...but what makes these people open to me a stranger? Do I have an open honest face? Nah, it's because i smile and have big blue eyes...my best feature...the rest of me well...erm...not that nice.

I don't like people talking to me though, and I feel uncomfy, I don't go out of my way to get people wanting to chat, I would prefer people to find me slightly oddball. Thats another reason people open up, I am a little strange and I guess they see a little of themselves in me.

I used to crave normality, but now I would never dream of it, I like been unique in many ways, I like knowing I have lost a lot of weight through determination and hard work. Something I've never really been open about is my weight, I lost 16 stone in weight, maybe I should take this out of my blog, I don't know, I wanted it to be real as well as open...but is that too open? People judge harshly and they don't know why I was so weighty...well look at it this way, shit happens...How my body looks is a mega issue, and to find a man who will accept it like it is...well we shall see...because let's face it...people are fickle.

Berry fact 1003 When i can't cry, I put on The Green Mile and sob my heart out.

Today I decided to dedicate this post to 2 things, corriander and the number 51 bus in sheffield.

One I hate the other I adore...now if you even bothered to read any of this blog, you will know how much i detest public transport...it's like dragging a bollock on the floor...or dead leg for the ladies. The number 51 houses the dredge of society most days, this includes me, although I like to think one day I shall indeed move on up from bottom feeder to down and out bum. I had a really shitty week this week, and the bus just makes it more shitty. So after it been late for the forth time, and me getting home late at night, I decided that I indeed will defy the government this year, and buy the more pollutant vehicle I can afford. So a big truck it will be. Failing that i will be buying a clapped out car.

Now onto corriander...this stuff is amazing...it makes me feel happy, the smell the taste...i love it on everything...this includes strawberries...I eat it raw too. I tried it out with banana and honey...bloody weird but tasted so good....wonder why I'm loving it...and i have no sex life so don't even think it.

On a much more lighter note, I have no one to go out with because my friend just took another job...so this means I get to be more miserable and pour my heart out to you the lucky reader...

Berry fact 1002 I can play the saxaphone, but it makes me cry while i play

This is to you...you know who you are as this post develops....you are truly special, I'm just retarded emotionally sometimes...I can't let things out the way you do. I like the way you are real with me...could you forgive me? could you stay with me? I too find it hard to believe anyone could put up with my whole being...

See I wonder how many people thought I was talking about cillit bang....

Enough with been serious, this morning the post came...sheeeeeeeeeeeeeet it made a huge banging noise, only for it to be coupons for beer...I HATE BEER!! Why is it never vodka or gin?

I sprayed air freshener this morning...into my eye...it was accident and I wasn't paying attention, believe me this wakes you up...only now i look like i'm stoned....

berry fact number 1001...I suck my thumb for comfort, only at times this seems to happen in public...especially on the bus when i'm tired...people give you a wide berth (I should do this more often)

Ever asked that one bloody question you know you shouldn't ask, but been a total fucking headcase you ask it anyway? I just did that...why oh why did I ask when I knew the answer would be yes.
I should just cut my tongue out and feed it to the chickens...if indeed i had chickens.
The question I asked is one every woman seems to ask a man at some point, and when she hears its a bleeding yes she thinks great what a wanker, then if she hears no, she thinks he's a lying bastard...men cannot win on the subject and we should not ask.

Just wondering does adding tags about yourself make you vain....

I was also thinking of my top ten pet hates this week...

#1 Lavendar...I hate that smell...kill anyone who uses it or smells of it.
#2 Sheffield public transport...fucking dire...is the only way I can describe it
#3 Neighbours...been anti social I fucking hate mine...they argue the toss over stupid shit
#4 Big Issue Sellers...I will not feel guilty while you sell the big issue in fucking new nike trainers
#5 The Sea...I like to dig holes in the sand...why must you fill the hole...huh huh
#6 Popcorn...that stuff gets everywhere, your teeth, your hair, carpets, knickers..
#7 Sales reps...If I want to buy a new tv i will go to dixons or get one from dodgy dave up the road.
#8 Couples...Stop fucking rubbing it in that you have someone...we don't need to see
#9 Chocolate...I hate how the stuff makes me feel ill for hours...*shakes fist*
#10 School holidays....one kid + boredom = berry going fucking nuts...and broke!

After what seems a lifetime of unrefined reality, I think I have finally reached my point of pure insanity. What's doing you may ask...well I came up with a masterplan this morning, now I would divulge this information, but for you the avid reader it could get you glued so hard to this page, you will fear you have also reached my intense insanity. The first steps to my plan is careful planning...obvious right? yes and no, sometimes the best ways is to wing it...but this has to be planned.

I tried this new drink this morning, it was fooking awful! Ok it's been on the market for years, but I have decided to venture into the fizzy pop branch of things...who's idea was it to make tizer? That stuff is like drinking a liquid form of candy floss...i had to brush my teeth 6 times just to stop myself from wishing my whole mouth would leave my face.

I came to another conclusion this morning...there is nothing wrong with me, it's everyone else. Me myself I feel just mighty fine, so it must be everyone else with the problem.

I recently found out that no matter how hard you try it is not possible to make your kid eat cabbage....without force feeding or hiding it in food. I had to bribe her the other day, until I thought hmm two can play this game sister....so lately I have been putting it in alsorts...how funny it is to see her blissfully unaware while I rub my hands with glee that me the parent is one up...

Berry fact number...erm..forgot...so anyways heres the fact...I collect comics, i have some rare daredevil ones worth a lot of money. I'm needing issue 1,4 and 6 though!

I decided to write this because lately I have fallen in love with 2 things, one been cillit bang...this stuff can wipe clean anything...i forgive that little purple bottle of godliness for stripping the laminate off my cupboard. I decided today i would try it on different surfaces...one been an old rusty fridge outside, i wanted to see how good it was...so i sprayed it in a certain area, and gagged at the smell...thats the problem with cillit...he smells odd! I then used it on the bottom of my oven...god i am ashamed to say...but it wasn't pretty, I needed to go in hard. So i sprayed for 2 mins.

After 10 mins had passed on the rusty fridge, I got a wipe and saw a white fridge again...I was astounded at this new found friend...I would have hugged it, if I could bear the smell. I went back to my oven...shaking my head as I knew this would be a 40 min job. Now bear in mind I did not use rubber gloves...i have my reasons....they just make me think about bizarre things...The oven took a few scrapes and she was good as new...so i now think i have a friend for life.

Now I did try it on a couple of other things, and let me say this...do not use cillit bang near a leather sofa...

Now later on in the week I'm comparing polish wipes, because mr sheen is pretty shite...and they smell like old people.

Berry fact #9 I once went to glastonbury and forgot my underwear, so i went commando all weekend, it was a feeling of freedom, daringness(is this a word) and freewill.

An email that made you cry with happiness? I just did, the thought and feeling put into it was amazing. I'm beginning to think that real life is fantastic at the moment. Like i said my writing isn't great today as I'm having a complete block...well i'm not thats a lie...it's more I'd rather keep private my own thoughts on how i'm feeling...as they are personal and not for the avid viewer of this blog...

Berry fact #8 I hate hot drinks...they make me ill for 2 days when i have one.

Today I have writers block.....but I am in a great mood! I have had some nice things lately happen to me, and this has made me think maybe life isn't such a shithole mess. I'm still broke all the time, but that's ok. I went out to Corporation last night.. was an ok night, music was ace. Been told I am beautiful lately, thats enough to make any girl smile like a cheshire cat. And it wasn't my mum that said it either

I can't write for shit today, so I'm off to spend money on my daughter who deserves it...she's been an angel...well sort of

I can't even ask for more because you have it all...I like this quote today...and Cecil <3