Epiphany Of The Jaded Reprobate

I tried not to write a daft blog today, but currently I find when i'm not occupied enough I'm having a lot of thoughts, I realise I can't be alone too much...it's really bizarre...im here all alone, my kid is with her dad. I started playing foo fighters, and i sat down and cried. Something has finally sunk in with me, I push and push and search for something that is only existant in my mind. I over anaylse everything, and this is not a way to live. So how do I change? Will anyone truly love me how I am? Does your heart lie to you? Or is it your head that lies more?

I do not like been like this, I never asked for this, I am bi polar and I cannot change how my mind works. Now meds can help that, but after all these years whats another 2 weeks without any right? This part of a song made me think

I can change, I can change, I can change
But who you want me to be?
I'm the same, I'm the same, I'm the same, what do you want me to be?

I've tried to be what people wanted me to be, and now i refuse to be that way. The foo fighters song The pretender fits people i know. I'm not anyones puppet...I am me!
I am tired of people promising things and then not been what they say. I have a friend who is there when I need a shoulder to cry on, but gets jealous when we are out.

I find it hard to actually love people, and you can have the whole lust thing, but I have found love is deeper than that...it's good, but painful all at once.

*Guncle...<3*

Has anyone used cillit bang? I used it yesterday on my cooker, it worked ok, but usually I just spray mr sheen over cleaner..which works quicker, but cillit bang can be used on anything. I'm debating whether the smell of it is worth me wanting to gip everytime I'm cleaning with it. Although don't try cleaning certain types of cupboards...it strips the damn things!

Berry Fact #7 I have a pet tortoise

Tomorrow I will be more serious....and less crude in my blog...apparently I'm a bit too raw for a certain person! lol

Have no idea what went on this morning, but this car alarm went off from 8 am...and it sounded like a siren..so after 25 mins and me wanting to take a AK47 to the entire street, the guy was peering in the bonnet ripping something out...when he finally had what he was after he looked like some mad scientist...he got the alarm in his hand then put it above his head and said "it's dead" I'm starting to wonder if my neighbours are just nuts or aliens. Sometimes my other neighbours fight...not like fight argue, but physically fight, now you wonder why no one gets involved? Because the one time the police came the woman took the cricket bat and twatted the copper on the head, she normally goes for her Hubby's car...because he loves that more than her and the kids. At times she throws his shit out, but takes him back after 2 days....couples are weird.

I sometimes am quite the dreamer...as my mum puts it, I escape through written word mostly, but this got me thinking about aspects of my life when I have lived in a dreamworld...like half the time I wasn't connected with reality...it worries me that I have had points in my life where this has happened, and I thought about when this happened, and it was mostly when something hugely life changing was happening. It's like I could never deal with that one thing, so I'd pretend it wasn't a big deal and live in a dreamworld. I decided last year enough was enough and that life is here to be lived, whether it's good or bad, but I will never stop my fantasys...as I like escaping sometimes.

I got some advice about my poems, and I am starting to put a collection together, and seeing if I am good enough...maybe not...but it's nice to try.

I've become jaded with things in my personal life, and I am finding I am bottling a lot up. I can't talk to anyone, because I seem to look bad no matter what i say...even though like most people I need a hug and I am confused. I am clear on a few things, and that is what makes me happy everyday...so it's not all doom and gloom!!

On a more lighter note I rawk at making potato and leek soup...it's the one thing I find I am great at cooking...some people don't like their own food...i'm one of them...even though everyone else loves my cooking. I made little fairy cakes too...yep today I did motherly things...although my daughter left me to do everything while she licked the bowl out!

Berry Fact #6 I once went out with a guy who took my knickers...i found out he sniffed them often...this alone made me break the relationship off...on top of the fact he was a mummys boy

I often write about the bad moods i'm in or the crappy things in life, well after tonight I have been made to put things into perspective...you always need a calming influence in your life...no matter who it is, whether its family, friends, neighbours and even an online friend...sometimes it's best to sound stuff out to people not too close to you, but whom you would like to be closer. I am quite challenging, and some will say yeah all women are....but I'm different in the sense that I can't always control how I feel...I can't always stop myself withdrawing or feeling so blue that I see no light at the end of the tunnel. But people who are calmer in nature can do that for you, I've come to see that 2 people who are erratic will either be good together or bad, I do not fair well with highly erratic people if i see them day in day out. I tend to attract highly strung men...this has to change at some point...and I believe it will and maybe has. I am in a better place in some respects. I'm quite placid in lots of ways, I am not a fighter, I don't like to shout and I tend to be more of a walker. But I decided not to look for things or anaylse life as much..i'm doing ok...I'm laughing actually...because my blog says otherwise I've started seeing how naive I am too, after last nights little fracas during my night out, I stepped back from the situation and realised how blind I can be to what antics my friends get up to. I don't want to be like them, and I realise I am not like them. I was told i rock someones world, do you know how uplifting and nice that is? You rock my world too

I have a funny story to share with you, i have a little shih tzu dog...cute lil thing, I was on the phone to Virgin my broadband provider (as its crap and is always dropping) and as i got through to find out if i'd been cut off...I have to check this, as for some unknown reason, I no longer get paperbills...cool right...yet i get my ebill 4 days AFTER they cut me off...so how do you pay a bill for next month...when u have no idea how much it is? so anyways...i'm chatting to this nice scouser lad, and the next min theres a huge snore coming from between my legs...nope i didn't do a fart...i sit crossed legged all the time...my dog was laying in the middle...she snores so loud she actually beat my ipod on full blast. He thought I had burped, and proceeded to try and ignore it...then the 2nd time she did it louder, which then he in between fits of laughter had to put me on hold...after 3 mins he came back...i said i apologise but my dog was snoring...to which he replied " i thought yad farted lass" I tell you this as my mum is obsessed with farting...and I forgot to fill her in on this today.

Berry fact 5 I once met The Edge from U2 and called him a rude bastard...as he pushed forward into people in a packed bar in London, without saying excuse me, then expected people to apologise for been in his way.

How shitty can one day get? Why do people make promises they can't keep? Why do people say things they clearly do not mean? Why do people take my kindness for naiviety? Why does one night out make people turn into utter shitheads? Why do people use the love word so freely but rarely mean it?

Just some burning issues around me at the moment, with friends and problems they and I are having...I can't help one friend, only she can do that, but I wish she would stop kissing other men behind her hubbys back...it puts me in an awkward position. Even when I was with someone no matter how unhappy, I have never done that stuff while with them. I am too emotional to be able to do that. My ex keeps trying to kill himself, but i got my own shit to deal with, I wish I could give up like that, but then who has my daughter? I have so much crap in my head, that i have to write, i feel compelled to write, and I haven;t met a man yet who can cope with my silent moods. I need a man who likes reading, and never questions why I feel that way, but helps resolve it. I need a man stronger than me. Well folks this is not going to happen, so I don't search I see what happens. This is also not good..but can't be bothered to type out why. So I'm focusing in my accounts career and my kid...yet these things with men and love keep coming into my life, no matter how much i brush them off.

On a lighter note I lost more weight because I have lost my appetite, and I got drunk on 2 cocktails last night, 2?? I have turned lightweight....I used to be able to drink 13 shot of jd before i wanted to keel over...now its 2 bloody cocktails...i am very ashamed lol I rarely drink now, I dont like how it makes me feel...but i sobered up at 1 am. Could have kissed 6 guys, but I can only like one person at a time...its all complicated...but having a corset on and nice eyes helps i suppose.

Berry fact # 3 or 4..i forgot lol I can't buy alcohol or get served drinks in a bar without my I.D

This song is how I feel today, I am really low today, last night was bad. I've decided to give up on certain things.

"What Hurts The Most"

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

Your hair is black my hair is brown
you always wear a bloody frown
cheer up you cow its only 9
go back to bed you have the time
you look like shit and i can tell
your mood will make u more unwell
I’d slap your head if i was there
Get back to bed you moody mare
Tonight i need some good good fun
But your fucking frown it weighs a ton
Cheer up you cow its only 9
Crack a smile its about time.

Supposed to have college today, but apparently they changed the day yet again, so I thought I'd download some stuff, check emails etc...I got a message from someone on here, and I kind of felt for her at the time, because this blog does not tell you when you've used up your allocated letter useage (wow I sound really intelligent) I just sat and read what she said a few times, and wanted to give her a shout out and say i hope it saved in drafts, because it sounded like a good post to read...thats to sameold

As for today, I now have a full day to get prepared for tonight, but my friend is been a bit moody and its not even 9 o clock in the morning as I write this. I was talking to someone last night, and I was talking about my IQ, I did a test last year and got a high score, so I'm tempted to try another one...because I actually believe im a dipshit at times! I find my accountancy course really easy though, which I guess is good, but not when your mind wonders off when you are bored. I'm hoping today the docs sort me some kind of medication out, because I still very high up in the clouds and giddy. Have you ever wondered what certain foods taste like together, even though they sound really opposite? I tried strawberries, chilli powder and chocolate again last night...and it tastes so good its weird. I also like lettuce and brown sauce at the moment too...no im not pregnant, you need a sexlife for that....Another thing, been in a high mood, it makes you more aware of your whole sexuality and flirty....not good lol

I sometimes wonder does anyone out there actually read this, and understand, or are they just amused by it...im amused mostly because I find I totally wander off subjects...then start talking to you as if I'm having a convo with you. At times I feel the loneliest person in the world, even with lots of friends around me, I feel like that when I'm with family too...I don't feel like I belong. I only feel comfy with 3 people in my life. Is that a bad thing? Why did i just ask a question lol Something for me to mull over I suppose. I can't get my head around changing fonts and the set up to my blog...I kind of winged it to get it looking this way...I tend to do stuff that luckily makes it look readable.

Berry fact #3 I cannot stand the smell of lavendar, I hate it with a passion, it does not relax me, it makes me feel angry.

One more day until the weekend YAY!! I have a fun filled weekend planned, I'm off to Corp tomorrow night, seeing a few girly friends and my friend play a gig. Saturday I'm going into town and doing errands..sounds boring but it's not lol Sunday off to the cinema...yay!

I find saying whats on my mind lets me figure out stuff, like I write poems for people or myself, and when they are written its done with, i can move on. Good way of documenting on how you felt at that moment. Today I want to go out to the park, but its freezing and keeps pissing it down with rain....So instead I am staying in and doing housework...how fun!

I'm at college tomorrow so i find out if i've passed my first exam...I is praying right now that I have, because resits can't be done til december...

I've written this for someone called First, been a good friend and lately has inspired me to want to write a heck of a lot....Basically i'm a bit more relaxed and it shows on my poems.

I wait for you to come online,
I get your message, did you like mine?
You say the things that make my day,
Its just the little things you say.

You say your shy but so am i,
You make me smile I just can’t lie,
Im inspired by you and how you are,
Its really a shame you live so far.

Your dark and moody just like me,
at times your light and i can see,
My friend, my light my shining knight,
Talking to you just feels so right.

You understand my hopes and fears,
With you i never cry those tears,
I’m happy we met and chat so much,
One day ours hands will get to touch.

To you..I'm Sorry....

I keep writing lots of poems lately, things for some reason at this moment are coming into my head easily. I was thinking of attempting to write a short story, but I'm so flippant I wander off a subject. Do you ever get bored easy? It takes an interesting person to keep me talking, I tend to get bored by people around me in quick succession. It boils down to no common interests. I find people to be rather two faced, while we are all like this at one point or another, there's a thing about been able to face up to what you have said. I would rather tell that person what I think to their face.

Anyway enough with the serious shit, because frankly i'm in no mood to be serious, I was stunned at a movie I saw today...only to find out it was high school musical...wtf? No wonder kids these days are airheads. On british TV we tend to have charities begging for money, they do these really soppy and upsetting adverts, but I find one rather amusing...no idea why but when the dogs do certain head movements, I tend to think of the owner behind the camera holding a nice bit of beef, and the dogs thinking "come on you tight bastard, i've pouted enough, now SHOW ME THE MEAT"
I have a very juvenile sense of humour, i find farting rather hilarious. But what makes me laugh the most is sarcastic comments, no idea why, but when someone in a deadpan tone says some witty sarcastic remark, I can't help but giggle.

Little know fact #2 about Berry I secretly like honey and mustard sandwiches

I’m wondering what to write to you,
Looking into space to think it through
I miss your voice, your smile and touch
i miss the way you tease so much
I’m besotted by you in so many ways
That until i see you i count the days

Do you miss me, do you feel fine
I want to call you and make you mine
I’m enthralled in you, you have a gift
That gives me one big fantastic lift
I think I love you who can tell
Until you put me under your spell

I’m watching time go by so slow
I just want to hear you say hello
Are you wondering about me to?
I feel a little down and a lil blue
I miss you baby i miss you much
Call me please, just get in touch

Berry

Recent events have caused me to evaluate just how fucked up life is, but I smile as I write this because someone somewhere is having a way shittier time than i am...whoopee!!! I got turned down for 5 jobs yesterday, damn if only i got an interview, I could so charm my way through. I keep writing poems, and someone will then steal it and make out they wrote it, how fun...I should be flattered anyone might even consider it to be good enough to steal. I'm believing my own hype at this moment in time...basking in my own ego...oh come on you do it too...privately. I can't sleep at the moment, because I'm starting my mania mood, this is the time I'm really high for a week or two, and the grand finale I crash and burn for 3 months....I was on some tablets, which they took away from me as they seemed to send me more doolally...which oddly enough I can be more nuts than i already am.

So why this random post, because I have so many thoughts running through my head i can't think straight, and the book i was reading is not making sense. Have you ever had one of those bi polar days when you are so crazy you feel like you're running a marathon but through your own head? No? Lucky you...stop rubbing it in. I keep wondering, why the hell i am changing so much, why can;t i at least stay a little like the old me, things were simplier (have i spelt that right? fuck it looks right to me) Feel free to comment, because no other sod has...Except Tazzie! I want to know how crap my poems are...because I feel some people are just been nice when they say they like them.

Bear in mind I am in a high state of mania, so any shitty remarks will probably get a scolding sarcastic comment back....which in turn will make me feel remorse when im on the depression side of my moodswings...so happy happy joy joy...

A moments pause, i feel your touch,
i think i love you so so much
our eyes they met and we did gaze
Im lost within this lustful haze.

If you only knew the love i feel
its in my heart the real deal,
i ache for your lips on mine,
to feel our bodies intertwine.

I need you more the more we speak,
with you my futures not so bleak
I see you smile and touch my face
my heart beats at a faster pace

I'm scared to love you, yet i do
i want you to need and love me too
My tears of salt are not of sorrow
but what is yet to come tomorrow.

Carla

I feel so low and so confused,
I think so much my minds abused
Am i normal, should i be fine?
I cry and cry but still no sign,
Im lost in hell and can’t get out
No matter how much i scream and shout
Im trying so hard to get back on my feet
But my heart is torn, with a faint beat
Im scared to love deep down inside
So who do i trust and also confide
I choose you because you know
Just how this feel when i am low
I beg of you please hear my cries
Before i tell too many lies,
I mask my feelings so so much
I need a hug and loving touch
Friends are few and far between
its you who says what you truly mean
you given me some hope and pride
and its you i choose to help me stride
I feel more lifted inside and out
And if you need me give me a shout.

By Carla

So here we are another day, I drank quite a bit last night, but only enough to give me a tingley buzz, I met a whole rainbow of people at the metal club I went to. Some were so wasted that I was amazed how they could even talk right! I stepped back last night and observed people and how loose they become while pissed. I felt jealous in a way, because I never fully loosen up in public, even while high or drunk. I remember the reason I stopped been so loose while in public, and I guess like most people I'm a paranoid mofo. I don't conform to the society "norm" I'm into an eclectic range of music, i'm neither goth, preppy or normal...what ever that is. I'm actually quite the weirdo...I can sometimes be all mature and motherly..but mostly the kid in me wins. I think this boils down to my childhood days, been the oldest you always have that sense of responsibility...plus my homelife was a little crazy.
I met someone last night that reminded me of Kurt Cobain, he looked like him, and at one point I wondered if I was drunk enough to be hallucinating...but he was a student at uni, who did abstract art...that got me thinking, that what creative talent do I have, I write a lot of shit...as if you regulary read my blog you know this already. But i used to do crafts, I ended up with 8 projects on the go at one point, been nuts this is not a good thing...so I ended up giving that up.
This morning I woke up with a queazy feeling and thought I might spend the morning bowing to the porcelain god, but luckily I was only sick because I had a migraine, brought on from my anemia....I tells ya since i lost 17 stone I have more health problems than ever! And with tits like saddlebags i now have to buy bra's that resemble scaffolding, really annoys the shit out of me. Just my gripe for today...

Little known fact about Berry...I have a routine I do everynight before I go to bed, and if I don't brush my teeth 20 times each way I start again.

It's long been debated that drugs are bad for you, and now so is drink. So what makes us want to do either. Boredom mainly...for others it's to escape the shithole they call life...As i type this I'm drinking some concoction of cherry wine, cola and vodka...on top of my normal daily drugs...which for the readers at home, im on paracetamol and iron tablets...ground breaking stuff huh? I do on a rare occasion dabble in the naughty substances, but once a year if that now. So why am i telling you this, because I am wondering what effects alcohol will have on me, seeing as I only drink a handful of times a year. I don't like how it makes me feel, yet sometimes I am inclined to want to get completly wasted. Now I grew up with occasional drinkers, but the past few years I have watched my dad become more of a big drinker. I believe everyone should have a vice, now how you cope with that vice is another matter, I don't ever get addicted to anything, yet others do. I think I am lucky that way, so why do people get addicted? Well i'm no scientist but yet again i would say boredom and needing a big fucking escape from something. Today I am needing that one thing, to escape. Sometimes it's easier to say get out of what it making you unhappy, but in theory putting this into practise is a lot fucking harder. So we all escape through different means. The reason I'm writing this right now is basically to help me understand why I get like this just before I have a mania episode with my bi polar. I feel it coming on, and it's a reason i write so much about how I'm feeling. So is drink as bad as drugs? hell yeah, it's just us as people who have to learn to control our intake...will this ever happen? no because you always have those people who become over excessive and addicted.

I've been thinking about the motivational methods I use in everyday life to get me through, and boy do I have some really weird ways....like take for instance these door to door salespeople...why is it they constantly come around selling shit you really have no desire to buy. Ok one example is the people who come around trying to get you to buy your shithole you like to call home, so my first method of making these people see sense is to join them outside, step back and admire my palace, and say, looking at my home, would you seriously consider buying this house for the extortionate price your company will eventually charge me...they normally answer No...Walla, see there's my point. They tend to leave after that....Now bored with that method, lately I have come up with an even better one...I ask them if they want a time share in Spain, I've never seen them leave so fast...something I said?

Now this brings me to religious people, while I don't mind which god you worship, what crazy ass prayers you may do 7 times a day, I have no desire in me whatsoever to bow to any kind of god, except maybe the God I like to call Gary Oldman, but that’s another story....anyway back to my motivational ways of dealing with these people...they normally come on what I call a down day...so my first method was always to baffle them on why I think god is not real or at times a woman, one time I had one person doubting their own religion...but when I'm not so chatty or moody I tend to tell them I worship that "hot" man we love to call the devil, and that my sect is currently taking new members, would they like an interview for an an exclusive place....I have never seen a jevo run so damn fast....amusing to say the least.

I like to motivate myself sometimes for different things, like job hunting, shopping, gearing up to tell someone how shitty you think their attitude is, or basically wanting to ruin someone else’s day just like they do yours on a weekly basis....the way to motivate yourself for such matters is easy, either stock up on anger for a week or so, depending on your daily family life and so forth...you may only need a few days...I tend to need a week, or wait until your period comes, which let’s face it, the men are screwed with that one. I have to shop angry, if I don't I tend to spend stupid amounts of cash on crap I really don't need, If I'm angry, I snarl and grunt like a cavewoman on acid...this makes people steer clear of me, see job done...Job hunting takes skill and precision on the motivation side of things, and it takes some willpower not to want to take a machine gun to some job centres, and wage a one woman war on the official government place of job searches...you have to approach this with less anger, but more determination that this will be the day you WILL find your dream job...yes folks this means you have to baffle your own mind with utter bullshit. Motivational see....

I have to motivate myself to actually get out of bed some mornings, while this might make me sound lazy, it's not the waking up that I find hard, it's the knowing that my day will have at one point the moment I like to call "oh fuck did I say that" moment....we all do it, yet we still make that same mistake of engaging mouth before brain....I just do it on a more regular basis and tend to upset some fragile bugger...so to motivate myself I just tell myself that today is the day I will upset the right person, and laugh so much that I will feel the warm fuzzy feeling we call peeing ourselves with laughter....hell this works for me.

I hate society and what it's brought me too, maybe I have done this to myself and I'm over thinking it all, but I feel that given half a chance, I'd be a lot more calmer than I am right now. I hate that no matter how hard I try and no matter how many doors I knock on I get told that I need experience....I have plenty of life experience to know what an office is like, fuck I did work experience in one for 3 weeks. How dumb do you need to be to know that you sit at a desk and you sometimes have to file loads of stuff? Oh and maybe turn the computer on...not brain science is it?

I sometimes have dreams and feel like I don't want to wake up, and I get my ass out of bed every morning for one reason, to make my daughters breakfast and lunch sandwiches....If I had no kid, I’d be another dredge in society and probably sleep my life away...I want to better myself, but will anyone listen? NOPE the powers that be have decided to make things 4 times as hard for me, why? Fuck knows, but I believe that I will be a good accountant, and if no one takes me on for a job, I will do all my courses with no work support and get my own business. I can do this, whether this country believes in me or not.

Now back to the Budget 2008, they are hiking up car tax, fuel and whatnot....so why? You want to know why, it's so poor ass motherfuckers like me, have to use the piece of elephant turd, they call PUBLIC TRANSPORT....now don't get these 2 words mistaken for loada bollocks....Ok they charge the earth for a journey....a journey that daily you end up having to make with druggies and my personal fav DRUNKS....my god do these people stick of old ale, they swear, talk shit, drink some more, talk loudly on their mobiles, give you evils and most of all the male ones smell of wee. So I pay £15 a week for the pleasure of this crap..Oh and the best bit is if the bus is full, tough shit you have to stand...do they care if the drivers pack them in? No because it's profit right? I'm expected to give up my car, to travel on dirty buses, which are always late, especially on my college day. The tram is no better if not worse, I always want to puke my guts up after been on that pile of shit. I can hardly ever get a seat at peak times and I hate how they pull as they stop...puke city for me. I hate society more and more the more I use public transport, because you get to see the dredges of young and old that the government don't give one fucking shit about, this includes me, but I don't smoke and can't afford to be a piss head as the government just hiked up the booze...drugs well I would if I wasn't already mental with bi polar, and I knew it was pure stuff not tampered with. Now you might frown at that and think why drugs, well why not? Cigarettes are a drug, alcohol is, food is, and to be honest I don't want cigs near me, I hate the smell, yet it's these jumped up hypocrites that mostly don't like the idea of drugs.

This bring me to Connexions, I say that word with such venom that if I spit right now my screen with burn with the acid on my tongue. These jumped up crapheads, yes I said crapheads, kind of looked me up and down, and asked me what I wanted, so I asked if they would help me on my journey to been an accountant...to which the reply was "What qualifications have you got, because if you have over 5 GCSE's and over level 2 in any qualification, we cannot help you." So I said well I'm screwed then as I have over all of those, I seem to have shot myself in the foot. She then said " It's the government who has stopped our funding for people with over 5 gcse's."
So yet again those bastards are messing with my future in accounts. I was very dejected at this point, so I decided that the world can kiss my large buttocks. Now due to my age, I also have a very hard time getting anywhere in life, as the young whipper snappers can be paid low wages compared to me having to get national minimum wage. Fucking kids....jesus I mean I've had my baby so I'm ready to start my career! I'm not dumb, by all means I might not be no brain surgeon, but I learn fast, can use a computer and I can charm anyone when I need to...in theory.

Another blow for the UK, just had the chancellor give out the Budget for 2008, what a bloody joke! As a person who has been off sick long term, it's damn hard to get back into work. I have been to the job centre and various other places, only to be told that, even though I have qualifications, I now need experience, well guess fucking what, how can someone who has been ill and never knew why, get experience when no fucker will give her a job? I was told 2 years ago that I needed to get on AAT, so I did that....only to now be told that means shit, I need "office" experience. Well whoopee doo, another kick in the teeth for the bright girl.

Let's go back to how useless the job centre is shall we, whenever I go to the one in Sheffield city centre, I see mostly people who let's face it, would hardly get a job as they stink of booze, or look scruffy. I on the other hand was presented well and had good grades. So I was referred to this guy, who upon me seating myself at his desk, asked me what I wanted to do, I told him junior accountant, or a job around this field.....so all he did was search for junior accountant, then said sorry no jobs with that description. I sat there and said now what...he said keep looking. And I said how do I get help with a CV he told me they don't help with such matters and dismissed me. So if that's how they deal with someone with brains and smart appearance, what about a dirty looking scroat? Anyways after much deliberation I decided that the government is against clever, eccentric chicks like me ever getting a break in life.