Epiphany Of The Jaded Reprobate

Communication Breakdown

by shakeberry @ 2008-07-05 – 19:59:10

You can call me when your feeling all alone
i've always been on the other end of the phone
even though you think i said goodbye
a girl like me can't stay and has to fly
I will always be there, to help you through
I just don't think a relationship i can do
it's what I want but im frightened of truth
when i look at you it shows me proof
that I was made for you alone
its too late now for you have flown

This is for "you" I miss you more than you know, I'm glad you've moved on and it's nice to see you around other people, I'm also happy you're no longer shy...I'm proud no matter what

Double Standards and Uppity Divvys

by shakeberry @ 2008-07-05 – 18:07:01

First off, I did write a blog at 2 30 am this morning, I haven't posted it because it was an angry one, and lately I try and think before I say things. I'm rather peeved if Im honest. What I'm about to say my upset some of you, and it may result in some of you removing me from your friends lists.

I can be sensitive, but mostly I take fat jokes on the chin, I take jokes about me been a brit or a "thick" northerner on the chin...It's when I'm a smartarse back and you take offence is when shit hits the fan. I'm all for freedom of speech, and this to me includes any kind of jokes barring child molester ones...they are too sick for damn words. If you can say fat jokes with ease, then I'm going to mention disabled and anorexic ones back at you...why? you ask. Simple, I have a mental health problem, this led to my weight gain, I didn't drink, do drugs or sleep around, I used food....I ate food in dribs and drabs, I've never been able to eat 5 portions of take away in my entire life, so for those fatties that do on tv...then fucking hell....I was a picker, then I put 5 stone on with my child. I'm tired of it been that all fat people can eat 20 burgers and 16 bags of fries...it's not possible for all fat people. But a majority of us have underlying mental health problems.....I gained weight so I wasn;t attractive to men, especially older men...the reasons been due to abuse.

So maybe counselling would have helped, but I'm still fucked up in my head about things, i've lost a lot of weight now and am continuing to do so.

MY point been this, why can a racist person or one who slates disabled people be done by the police, but people like me, can;t do fuck all about it? Why is it so widely accepted huh?

I've upset my neighbours sister, she told me a few fat jokes, I found them rather funny....So I proceeded to tell her anorexic and skinny jokes....she flew off the handle, called me an evil bitch etc...I was that stunned I laughed. I don;t actually give a crap about why someone gets an eating disorder...why? Because no one helped me through mine, no one stopped to ask me why I wanted to be so huge.....Why? Simple fact is, they see you as a lazy pig. When mostly they are very far from the truth with that.

So to you who tell fat jokes, if I know you, I will make a joke about YOUR issues, just to make it even....Sorry...that includes alcoholic ones, anorexic ones, fat ones, mental ones...This may be a chip on my shoulder, but I'm tired of conforming and smiling...because "thats what us fatties do"

I also had to see some shit on my mums forum......I have plenty of arsenal to throw at people, because heightening someone eles insecurity makes them defensive...hence this post.

As for disabled people, my mum is disabled...some are born this way, some have accidents, and then theres the few that through drink or drugs end up that way.....so forgive me if i'm not so sensitive to you people either. Because some of you aren't so kind to me. This is for Mickey G, who after 15 years of heroin abuse now has state benifits coming out of his arse, new car and no legs....Yet I;m the fatty who is draining the NHS.....I'm not tarring everyone the same brush, but I'm trying to get my point across, my mum mentions to me I can do something about my weight whereas she can't do anything about her leg....this disappoints me...for personal reasons....I'm not racist, homophobic or anything of the sort, I'm just upset that we as people have to smile through other peoples bullshit insecurities.

Food for thought

~stuffs another 5 jaffa cakes in her mouth...because apparently thats all I do~

Co-co-co-conuts!!

by shakeberry @ 2008-07-04 – 13:27:12

Not sure if anyone reads this much now...but as you know I'm a bit mental, well lately i've had a weird mood...very weird, but that's lifting nicely and I'm back to my old self...if that's a good thing.

I started getting a craving...and its for the smell of coconuts, I went out and raided bodyshop, but that wasn't good enough,..so i went to the perfume shop but all they had one was by j lo...which is nice.
So im desperate for the smell of coconut perfume, anyone have any ideas?

Also i think i've made my tortoise overweight...too many strawberries i think.

the full version to my short story

by shakeberry @ 2008-07-02 – 16:06:17

I prefer the short version, as i like to keep readers guessing and make their own minds up, i'm no expert, but do give subtle hints as to whats what

The rain was falling down hard, the bus stop was cramped...looking at my watch I realised I would be late, "Damn!" I thought, as I clutched the black leather briefcase to my chest...remembering lightly running my fingers over the contents, feeling the smoothness, the contours and watching it glisten in the new daylight...That was the perk to my new found life and job. My car had broken down again, I had one chance today and I couldn't wait another month.

Finally the number 48 is here, we all jostled to get on, the rowdy schoolkids were on again, I find a seat and tap my briefcase, smirking to myself, and contemplating using the contents on the little shits. The world around me is busy and loud, yet I feel a sense of calmness, like a sunset on the beach..this always happens when I'm focused on the task ahead. A timid girl comes and sits next to me, she smiles and it's the smile I've seen before, the one where you keep your head down, don't make eye contact, in hopes no one notices you...but the problem is certain people do...those are the ones my job deals with.

The bell rings and the girl gets up, instinctively knowing I have to get passed. The rain is beating down hard, as I step off, I look and see I'm back in the place I've been before. My job mostly entails nightwork, but this job was a special case, it couldn't be done any other time. I walk up to the familiar pathway, and walk around to the backdoor, I feel under the plantpot, ahh i think to myself, there as always. I quietly unlock the door, my breathing heavier, although still controlled. I remember where all the creaks where, but there's no sound he will hear. I smell the scent I've breathed in a thousand times before, before when I was naive...when everything he said I believed. I remember the times he'd buy my favourite chocolate, and I would sit wide eyed as he doted on me the most. Then things changed, I changed too...no longer naive to him.

No one listened or heard what I had to say, so instead i opted for a new life, I wasn't missed, and even now when I attempt a visit to my family, I know I am no longer that same lost naive girl. I shake myself, and focus once again, this time it was personal, this was MY time to get the job done, for me, myself and I.

I climbed the stairs, remembering the way he would pick me up and throw me over his shoulder, tickling my feet. I open the briefcase as I slowly make my way to that old familiar place.....My best friend is there, she glints and winks at me, and I smile, we are a team me and her, she knows what to do, and so do I. I place her into my left hand, and place the briefcase at the top of the stairs...I run right hand over my best friend and take a small breath.

The silencer is on there, my alibi is set, my revenge for taking my childhood is near and the only sound he'll hear again...

Is the psst of my gun.

My writing and my thoughts that spread to my fingers

by shakeberry @ 2008-07-02 – 15:22:10

I wrote a story last night...how weird, because I saw someone on my friends lists blog this morning...he'd written a story for a group. So I checked out the group...and found that my story was rather long, but could shorten it...I could post the full version here, but I don't know...any thoughts? The full version has more detail.

Being Autumn, rolling with sugarhill and people been flippin tosspots

by shakeberry @ 2008-07-02 – 00:47:47

My Mafia Fam Logo

Me and a few friends who I have known around 7/8 years, we play a mafia game, that is what the guys surprised me with tonight, 9mm (Joe) has worked on that since the weekend, we have a wicked family icon too...its a tongue...admit it you wanna piece of that hehe

Sitting here in this white padded room

by shakeberry @ 2008-07-01 – 17:56:55

I feel miles away, I know I'm miles away and I know I've retreated into myself.

Help...I'm going to explode sometime soon...the next time my daughter is upset...i just know I won't be able to control my actions....why is it the bad kids are rewarded in this world...why is it my ex is such a screwed up bastard he won't leave me alone...If i phone to the police, he goes to jail and then he's got more shit to blame me for...I'm lost guys and I'm alone...I tell my family...all i get is i told you so.

I'm living for my daughter, other than that I wish I was dead.

Hope your days are better than mine.

Moody kids, men and the fact I need to live in Australia

by shakeberry @ 2008-06-28 – 14:21:35

Did I give up on them, or did they give up on me? It's proved to me this week who my true friends are, I can be very very distant, and I in my own way keep in touch with them limitedly. But if I don't talk for a while, would you hold it against me? I found someone has, I've let them go now, and in my own way believe it's for the best.

I have been spending a lot of time with Kari, and he's known me a very long time, he knows my moods, he knows me just about better than anyone. I think Australians calm me down, I've been hanging with Marissa lately, known her for 4 years, she's from Brisbane too, I met her at college...And now I seem to be getting a nice network coming together.

I've been working for this guy, who sends me bits of work to do, and is very pleased with what im doing. I can't go full time as i'm just not ready.

Shanna is been a mega bitch lately, people think i am been soft on her, and at times I am thinking this too, but I can never hit my kid, or shout too much, because I watch my dad been a twat, breaks my heart the way he has become. My mum always seems to be pissed off at me, and I have not had any of her calls come through, so she isn't happy with me....but what else is new...she never is.

I refuse to be a people pleaser, I'm tired of it, I have to get through this shit i'm in myself...and slowly i'm doing ok.

I believe in a lot of things, fate plays a part in things, I have opened my eyes to so so much lately, that I know what i need and refuse to stop until I get it.

I am happy guys, it may be a reason I'm not blogging as much, i don't know, but I do know this...I have to change my life around and it's what im in the middle of doing....I'm not lying to myself no more.

My balloon...

by shakeberry @ 2008-06-25 – 09:39:02

Boost my balloon!! please!!

http://www.playballoonacy.com/show/b1d44aee4595e672ca10b7514b709c6a