Epiphany Of The Jaded Reprobate

5 things currently within reach where you are sat

1. Rubber ducky with flowers on it
2. pink piggy torch
3. £70
4. One in a million Boofle teddy
5. wind up tortoise

5 things you cannot leave the house without

1. Nintendo DS
2. Nokia 5800
3. Ipod
4. lipstick
5. Psp

5 things you treasure

1. My daughter
2. My Shih Tzu
3. My otherhalf
4. My friends
5. Picture of my great grandma

5 things you want to do before you die

1. Travel to Eygpt
2. Drive faster than 130 mph (only done 120)
3. Meet my real Dad
4. See my daughter graduate Uni
5. Get married

5 things you wish you could change

1. My family
2. My body
3. My house
4. My illness (makes me say the wrong things, and only the ones that really cared forgave me)
5. My sensitivity

5 things that make you laugh or smile

1. My daughter
2. My otherhalf
3. Dawn French
4. Music
5. Rain

5 things you are grateful for

1. Beautiful little family
2. Great friends
3. Finding out what was wrong with me for 14 years
4. Seeing the light with certain people who were in my life
5. My health

5 things you can do.

1. Calculate accounts quickly
2. sit cross legged
3. Sing, but I'm too shy to sing in front of anyone (have been on scott bonds mixes when i was younger)
4. Write poetry when asked to do so
5. Make the nicest curry and chilli( my mum and dad's recipes, they taught me well)

Money, you either have it or you don't....some are born into the life of luxury, others fight their way and make their fortune...some just always struggle. I am comfortable, I am thinking of buying a house, but the market is difficult to get into right now and my deposit isn't big enough.

What astounds me is this, where i live a lot of people my age drink all day, smoke weed and never have any drive....I talk to some of these and find I can sit with them for 2 hours and barely say a word...I got called a snob jokingly by someone, all because I said I like my daughter to get her clothes from next (my mum got me into this shop) and not Primark. Also because I've hired a hummer limo for her prom in 2 weeks, they said i was spoiling her.....so what? She is good, got level 5 in her SAT's and does her chores everyday. I like the finer things in life, and will do whatever it takes to get them, I don't like second best.

I like books, writing and travelling to places, I guess i'm just different from the council estate folk....I want something better for me and my family, I want to be someone.

On a lighter note, my birth certificate came, so i can now apply to the student loans to help pay for my course, i need it to prove I am from the uk...the adoption certificate proves i am me....they don't ask for much do they! The forms are like a massive book....

The beauty of blogs is that you can find like minded people, or people that have such differing views it challenges your way of thinking. Lately this has happened, and while at one point you begin to think it's a negative thing, something someone says changes it, and makes it a positive.

I think my rants are my thoughts, but maybe if I had stepped back and listened a little more, I wouldn't have tarred someone else with the same brush, when infact the information is useful and eye opening....doesn't mean I agree with everything, but it gave me food for thought....and personally i think the lady is quite nice.

I can only be serious for so long, as its my nature to be weird in some aspects. I think weight will always be a touchy subject for me, having lost so much weight, and then through Lithium adding 4 stone, which is now turned into a thyroid problem...as I have been living on salad i should be losing weight, so i'm pretty upset, as I need my medication.

I don't know how I should go about my blog, it has no structure, and I often go off on tangents, people like blogs because they run a common theme....mine is wacky, then low, then happy, then funny....I need to focus...but what on?

Family.....some people get everything they want, and they still bitch about it.....Take a look and realise at least she loves you and your children, and that you never disappoint her like me. Be happy with what you have, the shit has gone now, your baby is the oldest

I wrote yesterdays blog because of a blog I saw featured, I have been accused of "bashing" diets...this is a reply I made, but due to it been moderated I doubt it will get put up.

But you brought up a point, "do it in different ways"

For me if you have to "diet" in many different ways, that tells me the "diet" you are on is not sustainable for longterm, so in theory is a quick fix....you may then put that weight back on when you go back to normal eating. A quick fix for a special occasion i can totally understand, but constantly doing different diets, well you are starving your body of certain nutrients.

I know this because for 7 years I fad dieted and turned bullimic, and my weight did not stay off. I had to change my eating habits full time, that is how you maintain a healthy lifestyle and keep the weight off.

This is part of what I wrote, it just worries me that we as a whole are buying into this celebrity culture, when half the time they maintain a slim figure by hoovering up nose candy....Seth Rogen is a prime example. In my younger days when I'd party in Manchester I saw these sorts of things, even by footballers. I think some can be happy at a size 8 or a size 20, but to be told that being over a 14 is fat, makes me feel sad and pissed off at the shallow world we are creating.

Sorry for ranting

In this shallow world most people think it's sane to be under a size 8.....For me a beautiful looking girl is over a 12...back in the day women were never waifs.

I see these fad diets, these no carbs one week, no dairy another diets and it fucks me off. Fad diets work for a while, then when you go back to eating your normal diet, you put the same weight back on. I've said before I easily lost 7 stone at the gym within 6 months....why? because I was fat and i put the hard work in, if people want the easy life, then fine go starve your body of nutrients, but stop fucking promoting that crap.

If you eat 3 balanced meals a day, drink water and go to the gym, or do an hour of exercise or walking, you will lose weight....I know because i have done this for 3 years and still do it now.

I can't be arsed with these quick fix diets, or people that think they are fine to shout to the world. Your body needs vitamins, it needs carbs etc.....So grow A brain and work to lose the weight because the easy way, you will only put it back on

And personally skinny women don't make me think wow shes sexy....Skinny...ergh I love curves, i love boobs....if you want skinny go to africa and think about how skinny you want to be....bet you change ya damn mind...or look at this lady...yucky!!

I have had 2 shots of sambucca, I then went for a walk around graves park.....I wanted to write a seriously funny blog entry, but I need the toilet....i sorry

I've had 2 interesting days, I watched Kasabian and we met Jay the american guitarist, he was really great. I was too late to see Serge, but they are doing an arena tour in November, so there's always time. They sounded fantastic....I love them.

Shannas play went really great, she's shy in person but on stage she shines....i'm very proud, so are the people that are close....especially those that travelled.

I know I have great things to happen, and they will if I let go of things, some things will take time and they are getting easier. I do take solace in the fact that my child and any future children, will have been brought up by me, and not passed around every weekend so i can get hammered and sleep around. Makes me smile knowing i never did that, nor ever want to

I also smile because i get compliments from many people about how lovely Shan is, and it's been pointed out, by a few even here on blogs, that she is like that partly because of me....Must admit she is way happier this last 10 months.

I am addicted to Overlord 2....nuff said....ace game, minions crack me up!!

Just one more day til I see the gods that are Kasabian up quite close....They are playing at the O2 academy in Sheffield....I am truly excited, I am stalking their coach, because for 3 years I've followed them and I want a plectrum off Sergio....For me besides the Doors and the clash, no one can beat these boys music wise. My daughter is coming after begging me for a year to actually go to a gig. Kasabian fans tend to be great and will more than likely pick her up to see.

This is one of my fave tracks from their new album, and I feel like I'm under estimated and sometimes the underdog....I like it though

I don't get it......

I don't understand it....

Meh no wonder the world is buggered!

And I really think a few people are extremely bitchy.....

Is glad some of the "popular" people don't bear me a thought....

I am glad i'm not a sheep....I likes been individual....

So lets hope I remain unknown in my quiet little bubble.

Random I know, vague yes, one of you may be able to understand what i'm saying....if not it's ok, as i know what this all means

Anyone that knows me maybe understands my weird sense of humour, I can't sleep, it's 3 am, I've cleaned everything, so I decided to search for something on you tube....Then I remembered how i love sesame street...then I remembered the rubber ducky song....My mood is telling me, yep yep Carla you are the shit! Personally I just think this is funny at such a late hour....Jesus I need to get a life! LOL

I don't claim to know everything, but sometimes you can get this arrogance with a high....so at times you can think you know more that you actually do.....it's quite funny when you start talking car engines with people, and you find that your making sense. I also tend to find I get little obsessions, like during this high i'm into rubber ducks...before its been magnets, lunch box tins and tubs.

I beginning to accept things, i laugh, cry and smile....I also accept that I wasn't blessed with a flat stomach, nor will i ever be due to having stretched my skin so bad from the huge days....but it doesn;t matter, because my other half likes a chubby lass and big boobs. I no longer have a "bitches" voice in my head telling me i need to lose weight and that i might not be pretty, but at least i have brains....instead I think i'm alright, i don't need a bag over me head

Tonight I sat on my neighbours front and chatted to everyone, they were thrilled I came over, and want me to do it more often.....I enjoyed it, albeit a little quiet though....i just like listening.

I also feel a sense of pride too, knowing I don't dump my kid on people and go out every weekend...I see a few younger people doing this lately, its amazing how many peoples parents end up bringing their own kids kids up.

Im now been tested for thyroid probs, as my weight gain and me not eating much is a cause for concern....Lithium apparently affects hormones and can give you a possible thyroid problem...typical! Although between you and me, i actually love having boobs 2 cup sizes bigger

I've had Kasabians new album on, and i adore it....

The title is my dream....I'm seeing Kasabian Monday at the O2 Academy...I am praying to the gods that this high stays on as I am confident. I adore Kasabian, I have bad thoughts about Sergio. Besides the other half, Sergio is the only other man I actually fancy. He's quiet, thoughtful and not one of these alpha male ugg ugg types....I likes my quieter geeky men.

I only saw them a few weeks ago, but it's not enough....I have a comprehensive kidnap plan thought out, although I do feel this would ruin any chance of a snog with tongues...such dilemmas!

Im off out Sunday god knows where, we just get in the car and go where ever we feel. Shannas play at the theatre is next tuesday, her Granny Hemming and our surrogate mum and dad Geoff and Fiona are coming too...Im excited as we are hopefully having a family meal after the performance. I have such a busy week.

On top of this on the 14th July Shanna has her prom, the hummer limo is all booked, her beautiful dress is bought, she's wearing her pink TUK heels. Carls cousin is doing her hair and make up....I am so freakin excited!!!! My little girl is growing up so fast...shes 5ft 2....when she wears heels, she towers above me LOL

When you take negative things out of your life, and actually start doing things to me YOU happy, things have a better outlook. Don't get me wrong I also know my depression will make me low, but lately even through that i've been quite positive. Maybe I just finally have myself in a more happier place away from the shit that was dragging me down.

Sergio Pizzorno.....~sighs~